High Thoughts About Animals

The weather where I live is b-a-n-a-n-a-s where I live right now. Pain levels? Oh, through the god damn roof. I’m high as heck as a result. And I have thoughts about animals.

I think cats can read. My dearly departed cat BFF used to sit in my lap when I worked from bed. She’d put her paws over my wrist as I typed, and she kept her eyes on the screen. Every so often, she’d turn her head and look at me with such a judgmental expression that I am certain she could read what I’d just written and she did not like it.If I had too much money I would die by tiger. I have this dream of winning the lottery (which I never play) and opening a tiger sanctuary like Carole Baskin’s. But I would die because I would pet the tigers. I wouldn’t be able to resist. I know it’s bad from a conservation standpoint. And I know it’s dangerous because they’re frickin’ tigers. But I would do it anyway because I have no self-control. They’re frickin’ tigers.I’m afraid to realize my dream of eventually dying by tiger. My housecat, Baymax, is less than a year old and he makes me afraid of tigers. Baymax is a loving cuddle bug like 90% of the time. The other 10%, he’s a primal beast, lunging at faces and viciously attacking feet under blankets. Today, as Baymax had my whole nose in his mouth (a tooth in each nostril), I was like…what the fuck? Why do people keep tigers at their house? I would be dead right now.And yet, I keep dogs that could easily kill me in my house with me. I don’t think my little pit bull could kill me. She could seriously hurt me, for sure, but I can physically overpower her dumb ass when she tries to do something aggressive. My older pit bull? Definitely she could. But I’m cool just chilling on the couch with her, trusting her not to kill and eat me.I can’t believe birds and chickens and shit like that are dinosaurs. Why is this not something we’re marveling at every single day? You know those fat little round boy birds with black heads and little white cheeks? I read somewhere that those are descending from T-Rexes. WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS MORE?I think some animals probably don’t give a shit about captivity. I’ve been thinking about getting a jumping spider recently but I was like, oh no, what if I do that and it’s actually cruel to keep them in a terrarium after all? And then I thought about if I was a spider, wouldn’t I dig a life where predators were not a thing, the temperature was always just right, and I always had exactly how much food and water I needed? I think the same thing about hamsters. The only thing a hamster in the wild wants is to be left the fuck alone and to eat and burrow. I don’t think they mind living in people’s houses when they’re getting what they need.I think a lot of animals do and people who keep them are bullies. Why do you want a pet tiger? Those things want to go around places. I think the fact that we have to keep cats indoors is cruel, to be honest. I get that it’s a responsible thing to do but at the same time I’m like, man. Why do I think I’m the boss of these cats? But it’s like, a million times worse when it’s not a domesticated species.Don’t get me started on octopuses. It should be illegal for private individuals to have pet octopuses. They’re so much smarter than we are and I know that we don’t know everything about them yet. They die of boredom in home aquariums. That’s fucked up.Same for chimps and other apes. There doesn’t seem to be much difference between humans and chimpanzees and gorillas and stuff. They’re way too much like us.I’m afraid of chimps and other apes. I can barely squeak by on picking up human social cues. How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to communicate with a gorilla without making a fatal faux pas? They have all these cultural rules and behaviors that are part of survival, so they take that shit seriously. My plan for if I ever run into a gorilla or a chimp or a bonobo is to just lay on the ground and hope it doesn’t notice me.

Well, it’s time for a nap. I’ll be getting high when I wake up so please share your animal thoughts.