Dear Ethicator: How do I get out of here?

Dear Ethicator,

A while back I got a spam email inviting me to be on the editorial board of a new journal.  I had never heard of it, but I was coming up for tenure, so I said yes and added it to my CV.

Last week, I finally got around to checking the Internet and found your "journal."  Is this some kind of joke?  You said the journal was peer-reviewed and had the highest impact factor in its class.  But as far as I can tell, you spend all your time insulting your brother.  Am I supposed to have heard of this guy?  You give out terrible advice, and you whore yourself to private industry at every opportunity.  I am a strong advocate of civil discourse, and I am embarrassed to be associated with this.  Plus, I have tenure now.  So my question is: how do I get off?

Sincerely,

Regretful

Dear Regretful,

I'm sorry. I missed the part where you thanked me for saving your academic career. I'm sure you intended to start with that, because that's the only thing any decent person could say under these circumstances. Your name is now associated with one of the three most widely cited websites in the history of the bioethics field. You have a lifetime meal ticket that can't be revoked, as long as nobody catches you in the faculty lounge with your pants around your ankles. That's my gift to you. You're welcome; use it well.

How do you get on my editorial board? It's easy: Say yes, give me your name, and – this it the hard part – shut the fuck up.  Seriously, put a sock in it.  Stay quiet, no matter what I say or do. Remember: this job is about loyalty, nothing more.  It may look crazy at times -- in fact, there will be days when you wonder if I am a batshit crazy, self-destructive psychopath -- but you've got to remember there's a method to my madness, and if you stick with me, you'll go places.

You want out now?  Look:  What you don't realize is that you've already boarded this crazy train whether you like it or not.  I've been writing this shit for a year and a half -- where've you been?  Sorry, too late. Your best hope at this point is to stick it out with the man who got you here.  And in case you didn't notice, I blog and tweet like a motherfucker.  You want to cut me loose in public, hoss, go right ahead.

Yours sincerely,

The Ethicator