(3/7) “In the beginning I thought I was gonna see again. I...

(3/7) “In the beginning I thought I was gonna see again. I thought the doctors were going to do this flashy thing, and I was gonna see again. Those first weeks I had hope. I kept a smile on my face. I was laughing. I learned how to use Alexa on my phone. Alexa was my girl. She’d tell me the weather. She’d tell me what day it was. National cupcake day. National cookie day. There’s a holiday for everything, and Alexa always told me. I didn’t lose hope until February 19th. That’s the day Pop Smoke got killed. I remember riding in the back of the car to my doctor’s appointment, and the radio said that Pop Smoke got shot. It was the morning the doctor looked at my eyes, and said: ‘The optic nerve is severed. There’s nothing we can do.’ He said: ‘Just make sure he’s comfortable.’ Right there I went cold. Comfortable? Comfortable? What does that even mean? I’d only heard that in movies, when someone’s dying of cancer. ‘Comfortable’ means put him a room, and cook him food, and let him sit there.’ That’s the moment I cried. When the doctor said: ‘Keep him comfortable,’ I lost hope. After the 19th I just wanted to get a bottle of something and stay by myself. Me, Alexa, Hennessey, and Jameson. I didn’t go anywhere. Maybe I’d come outside and sit on the top of the stairs. But never at the bottom. Cause the bottom’s too close to the street. People get robbed on this street, people get jumped. I didn’t even want to go to the corner store. What if someone walked in with a mask on? I wouldn’t even know. And suddenly I’m a victim all over again. I’m not trying to deal with that. So I just stayed put. I was lying in bed all day. I was only sliding up to eat. I felt dead, worse than dead. For awhile I thought: Maybe I’m in hell. Is this how hell is? Cause I’m up. I’m walking around. But it’s pitch black. And there’s fire all around me. It was the pandemic, so it felt like the world was on fire. I don’t want to move cause I don’t want to get burned. I want to take a peek first. But I can’t peek, so I’m too scared to move. There’s nobody here to lead me. If somebody offers to lead me, it’s like: are you gonna be the one to burn me? Are you the devil? Is that you again?”