A Brilliant Match
Dr. Hugh Ross, a Canadian-American astrophysicist, is brilliant.
And on the autism spectrum.
How does that work in a marriage?
The lessons learned by his wife Kathy inspire me with how impactful it is to accept each other’s weaknesses while also building upon our mate’s strengths. In a marriage like this, miracles can happen.
As I watched Dr. Ross give a talk and answer questions at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, the ease with which Dr. Ross pulled complicated numerical equations out of his mind left me feeling like I operate with a different species of brain. He makes belief in God—based on science alone—sound like the only rational conclusion. When he then mentioned that he scores on the autistic spectrum, I was doubly intrigued and felt compelled to follow up with his wife.
As a long line of book buyers sought Dr. Ross’ autograph, I listened as Kathy told me her story of meeting this brilliant young Cal Tech researcher doing his postdoctoral studies while volunteering at a church.
Hugh is passionate about science and God; his intellect compelled young minds at a prestigious university to give him due attention, but his autistic tendencies were impairing his influence. As a friend, Kathy looked for ways to help him.
“What do I need to do?” Hugh asked her.
“Let’s start with the haircut,” Kathy replied. “And then the clothes. Stripes don’t go with plaid, for instance. And you need pants that cover your socks, not to mention socks that match your pants. Try to use personal examples after you explain a spiritual/scientific principle so people can relate to what you’re saying. Oh, and Hugh, this is very important: look at people when you talk to them. It makes a huge difference.”
Kathy used much more tact and grace than I’ve made it sound in this truncated form, but she remembers that Hugh took out a 3 x 5 card and wrote down notes as she talked. “Haircut. Clothes. Examples. Look people in the eye.”
Hugh bought some new clothes, got a new haircut, and concentrated not just on what he was saying, but how he was saying it—including looking people in the eye. The level of his impact took giant steps forward, which made Hugh all the more grateful to Kathy.
Kathy began to feel her heart moving romantically toward Hugh, but she told me she couldn’t imagine that a man of Hugh’s intellect and impact would be interested in her. Besides, with all the autistic stuff, how would an intimate marriage work? Her heart was set first and foremost on serving God. “Heavenly Father,” she had often prayed, “If I could help anyone come to know you, that’s what I want to do.”
That’s in part why Kathy was so drawn to Hugh; she saw what Hugh was already doing on behalf of God’s work on earth, but even more she saw untapped potential if Hugh had just the right support. Perhaps she could reach more people helping Hugh than by sticking with her own ministry activities.
Hugh found his own heart moving toward Kathy as well. In a matter-of-fact way his romantic invitation was as follows: “Kathy, I’d like to spend more time with you. With my studies and my work with the church, I have only one day off a week, but would you like to spend that one day off getting to know each other better?”
The invitation alone was enough to melt Kathy’s heart. They dated, got engaged, and have been married for decades, faithfully serving God together.
Kathy found a brilliant but somewhat socially awkward man. By supporting, coaching, encouraging, and loving him, she has showcased his brilliance to the world. Many have come to embrace the Gospel because of Hugh’s witness and intellectual persuasion, others have had their faith solidified, and Kathy has been right beside Hugh the entire way (for a picture of their impact, go to the website www.reasons.org). In fact, I don’t think a single person in the 5,000 seat auditorium would know Hugh had any history with autism unless he had told us about it.
What makes the Ross’ marriage work so well is that Hugh doesn’t fault Kathy for not being an astrophysicist and Kathy doesn’t expect Ross to act like a man who doesn’t have lingering effects of autism. Hugh knows he wouldn’t be where he is without Kathy, and Kathy believes her life’s impact has been hugely enhanced by Hugh’s ministry, not diminished. She’s not embarrassed by his autism—she’s proud of how God is using him. She has devoted her life to showcasing him.
In short, this is a couple that cherishes each other and that builds each other up. Because they accepted what each other was and wasn’t, they actually became more than they would have been as individuals. Rather than having their love diminished by each other’s imperfections, Kathy and Hugh cherish each other’s gifts, showcase those gifts, and thus enhance those gifts. Together, they marvel at what God has done; the two of them have become far more as a team than either one ever would have been as an individual.
This is the power of a cherishing marriage, building on each other’s strengths instead of obsessing over each other’s faults and watching God take the marriage to new heights.
There’s an even more moving angle to this however. I’ve been speaking on the horizontal level, but let’s take it vertical for a moment. Wives, imagine if you had a son on the autistic spectrum who had great gifts and some social awkwardness. You had great hopes for your son but watched with anguish when his social awkwardness elicited ridicule and even bullying. Now, imagine a suitor coming into your child’s life who supports your child, cherishes your child, and helps your son not just survive but thrive, with a powerful ministry to boot. Wouldn’t that person become one of your all-time favorites? Of course she would.
Cherishing our imperfect spouse, with all their limitations, isn’t just about improving our marriages. It’s a pathway to worshiping the God who created our spouse just as they are. Let’s keep adding “cherish” (which motivates us to “showcase” our spouse) to love so that we can build them up and help them find their place in God’s kingdom.
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