The Doldrums
It's always hardest to start.
It's just a struggle to get up every morning.
They tell me I have bipolar disorder. They tell me I'll never be normal like all the other people around me. They tell me I need to take this medication in order to maintain balance. I live in a world of exhaustion, depression. And oblique sadness.
How does my day usually go?
I get up at 8:00 AM in order to maintain a schedule.
The very first thing I do is feed and water the dog, or at least I used to. Now my daughter does it to relieve me of one more menial task that does nothing more than driving my depression. deeper and harder into my soul.
I must take my medication before 10. I have a glass of milk and maybe a piece of fruit before I choke down the pills. I need to start my day. I take 5 pills in the morning, 4 pills in the afternoon, and I take 10 pills before I go to bed.
It's a fun way to live.
After I take my pills, which is the official start of my day, the first thing I do is take a shower. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I won't take one all day, and I'll end up smelly and disgusting. The worst of the smells from my ears. Because I wear glasses, sweat gets caught between the arm and the ear. It's a disgusting smell. I had no idea it could emerge from such a small area of the body.
Once I've taken the hottest shower, I can stand, I move on to chores from the night before. I wash the dishes. I straighten up the living room. I take the laundry downstairs. Well, I used to take laundry up and down the basement stairs. Although now my daughter does it. She's a big help, and I always wish I could thank her more.
The real depression starts. When the dishes are finished.
Every day I contemplate suicide. I'm not suicidal per-say. I don't actually want to die at the moment, but I still contemplate it. Every night when I go to bed, I tell myself if the next day is worse than the one I just lived. I can end it. I don't think I actually mean that, but it does help me balance my day knowing that there isn't out, just in case it becomes too bad.
Please don't freak out or go reporting me to Internet authorities or my family. This is just something I contemplate. It is not something I ever plan on doing again.
I don't do much the rest of the day. I write. Well, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. I sit on the couch a lot. I sit on this couch, and I watch TV, and I think, "Is this all there is?" I know there's more I could get out of life. I know there's happiness out there beyond my family. I know it intellectually, but I don't feel it, and that's the problem.
I'm on an upswing now. Not so depressed and able to work. Not making people feel horrible. Making people feel horrible means a lot to me, I'm convinced, I make everybody who loves me feel awful. They tell me I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel it.
Today isn't a bad day. I woke up. I did my routine. But I didn't go back to bed. I stayed up. I tried to do some work around the house. I'm working on the computer trying to do some writing, so maybe today is one of those good days. Maybe today is one of those days where I look back and say that was a happy day.
Later today, we are going to my granddaughter's birthday, and I'm actually looking forward to it. She's kept this family sane since Stephen killed himself. Everyone can look at her and say, we have something good in the family. Something we could concentrate on. It doesn't make us sad.
With the news of my middle daughter now being pregnant, that joy is multiplied by 10.
Hopefully, we'll be able to move past what's been going on. Will be able to remember Stephen only in a good way, and in the end, that will be enough.
And yet I sit here numb. I think to myself, is this as good as it gets when I'm on an upswing. To be numb to not feel depressed enough. Feel sad but not feel extreme joy or happiness. Maybe the numbness is the actual first step towards healing. Maybe I'll eventually move past the numbness and feel real happiness once more.
I realize I have a pretty good life. I have a wife who loves me. I have six children now, five that love me. I have a granddaughter who loves me. I have a new Grandchild on the way, and I can only say that I will love this grandchild as much as any other person in this family. I haven't. We're not in crushing financial debt. My wife has a job that she likes now as opposed to the one she hated. We own our own home. I own my own vehicle. She owns her own vehicle as well. We're in very little debt if you do not count the house.
Life should be good all-around, and yet it doesn't feel like it.
I cling to the fact that I am trying to make things better. I'm more cautious with my sugars. I'm taking my pills when I'm supposed to and letting my doctors know if there are any side effects. But more importantly, I'm taking on the rest of my health and trying to be better. I'm following my diet closer than I ever have before. I'm having the midlife tests all men have to have. I'm working to maintain my vision. Trying to make sure I don't lose it sooner than I have to.
Life should be good.
But if that's the case, why am I so sad?
- Josh (10/10/2021)
It's just a struggle to get up every morning.
They tell me I have bipolar disorder. They tell me I'll never be normal like all the other people around me. They tell me I need to take this medication in order to maintain balance. I live in a world of exhaustion, depression. And oblique sadness.
How does my day usually go?
I get up at 8:00 AM in order to maintain a schedule.
The very first thing I do is feed and water the dog, or at least I used to. Now my daughter does it to relieve me of one more menial task that does nothing more than driving my depression. deeper and harder into my soul.
I must take my medication before 10. I have a glass of milk and maybe a piece of fruit before I choke down the pills. I need to start my day. I take 5 pills in the morning, 4 pills in the afternoon, and I take 10 pills before I go to bed.
It's a fun way to live.
After I take my pills, which is the official start of my day, the first thing I do is take a shower. If I don't take a shower in the morning, I won't take one all day, and I'll end up smelly and disgusting. The worst of the smells from my ears. Because I wear glasses, sweat gets caught between the arm and the ear. It's a disgusting smell. I had no idea it could emerge from such a small area of the body.
Once I've taken the hottest shower, I can stand, I move on to chores from the night before. I wash the dishes. I straighten up the living room. I take the laundry downstairs. Well, I used to take laundry up and down the basement stairs. Although now my daughter does it. She's a big help, and I always wish I could thank her more.
The real depression starts. When the dishes are finished.
Every day I contemplate suicide. I'm not suicidal per-say. I don't actually want to die at the moment, but I still contemplate it. Every night when I go to bed, I tell myself if the next day is worse than the one I just lived. I can end it. I don't think I actually mean that, but it does help me balance my day knowing that there isn't out, just in case it becomes too bad.
Please don't freak out or go reporting me to Internet authorities or my family. This is just something I contemplate. It is not something I ever plan on doing again.
I don't do much the rest of the day. I write. Well, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. I sit on the couch a lot. I sit on this couch, and I watch TV, and I think, "Is this all there is?" I know there's more I could get out of life. I know there's happiness out there beyond my family. I know it intellectually, but I don't feel it, and that's the problem.
I'm on an upswing now. Not so depressed and able to work. Not making people feel horrible. Making people feel horrible means a lot to me, I'm convinced, I make everybody who loves me feel awful. They tell me I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel it.
Today isn't a bad day. I woke up. I did my routine. But I didn't go back to bed. I stayed up. I tried to do some work around the house. I'm working on the computer trying to do some writing, so maybe today is one of those good days. Maybe today is one of those days where I look back and say that was a happy day.
Later today, we are going to my granddaughter's birthday, and I'm actually looking forward to it. She's kept this family sane since Stephen killed himself. Everyone can look at her and say, we have something good in the family. Something we could concentrate on. It doesn't make us sad.
With the news of my middle daughter now being pregnant, that joy is multiplied by 10.
Hopefully, we'll be able to move past what's been going on. Will be able to remember Stephen only in a good way, and in the end, that will be enough.
And yet I sit here numb. I think to myself, is this as good as it gets when I'm on an upswing. To be numb to not feel depressed enough. Feel sad but not feel extreme joy or happiness. Maybe the numbness is the actual first step towards healing. Maybe I'll eventually move past the numbness and feel real happiness once more.
I realize I have a pretty good life. I have a wife who loves me. I have six children now, five that love me. I have a granddaughter who loves me. I have a new Grandchild on the way, and I can only say that I will love this grandchild as much as any other person in this family. I haven't. We're not in crushing financial debt. My wife has a job that she likes now as opposed to the one she hated. We own our own home. I own my own vehicle. She owns her own vehicle as well. We're in very little debt if you do not count the house.
Life should be good all-around, and yet it doesn't feel like it.
I cling to the fact that I am trying to make things better. I'm more cautious with my sugars. I'm taking my pills when I'm supposed to and letting my doctors know if there are any side effects. But more importantly, I'm taking on the rest of my health and trying to be better. I'm following my diet closer than I ever have before. I'm having the midlife tests all men have to have. I'm working to maintain my vision. Trying to make sure I don't lose it sooner than I have to.
Life should be good.
But if that's the case, why am I so sad?
- Josh (10/10/2021)
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