The Art of Not Asking.

Sunday 22nd of September 2019

I have a real difficulty in asking for what I want, and this could even be concerning really simple things.

For example, if someone asks me what I want for Christmas, I won’t ask for what I really want, instead I’ll think of all the ways asking would be inconvenient for them. May it’ll be too much money, or difficult for them to find. Maybe they just want me to say something like a box of milk chocolates because they really don’t care and are just being polite. Maybe they’ll see what I want as a luxury and think I’m taking advantage of their generosity. (By the way, I don’t like milk chocolates, but I always seem to get them for Christmas, I wonder why.)

There’s also another reason I stopped asking for what I want. There have been moments when I’ve been clear about what I want and I’ve ended up with something not even close to what I asked for. Every time it feels like the other person is showing their hand. It feels as though they’re revealing their lack of thought and care about me. (Which is really self-centred, I know.)

This has led me to not asking anymore, and relying on myself for a lot of things. Which doesn’t help my isolation or connecting with people. Do you want to hear something really sad? I’ve started buying my own Christmas presents. I did it last year and I’m doing it again this year. I make it less pathetic by numbering them and making my own advent calendar.

So far this year I’ve bought myself a weird hat that I will probably never wear, but I really liked it, so I bought it. A book and a serpent pink from this online Wiccan store, it’s cute and creepy and I love it.

Anyway, I’m feeling as though being scared to ask for what I want, more than that, feeling as though I don’t have the right to ask for what I want, is contributing not only to my isolation and loneliness but to my overall depression. I know I’ve brought up gifts a lot but this was just an example, this not asking runs through my whole life. I’m not getting what I want unless I do it myself.

This could be seen as a good thing, as independence, toughness. But I’m not any of those things. Truth is, it just makes me push people away, I keep everyone as arms length. Why do I need anyone when I can do everything myself?

I’ve realised I’ve become like this because I want the exact opposite. I want to rely on someone. I want someone to buy me dark chocolates instead of picking up a box of Dairy Milk they spotted when they stopped to fill up their car. I want to be selfish and say: ” I don’t want to do that right now, how would you feel about going to see a play with me instead?” Or, let’s keep it simple. “I would like a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon for Christmas. I know it’s a little on the pricey side but you asked. And unlike the coffee liquor you clearly palmed from a hotel mini bar last year, I’ll actually drink it. I don’t even drink coffee, why would you think I drink coffee liquor?”

‘The Murder of Miss O’ a novella, I wrote, that’s available to buy or download or whatever, from booky places, like Amazon and Kindle.