Trigger Alert.

It’s raining. Interesting fact, I know.

Some people find rain depressing or inconvenient. I find it peaceful, reassuring, calming, even when I’m in it. I know this breaks the black and female rules, but I love rain.

If I have an umbrella I like the sound of it hitting over my head, the feeling of warmth and safety as I shelter underneath, the cocooning an umbrella provides. If I don’t have an umbrella, I like the cleansing feeling of the rain, the washing away of anything and everything that I don’t need and don’t want. It’s a baptism, every time.

This is probably why the last umbrella I had lasted me ten years, it was barely used. Eventually I had to throw it out though. It didn’t break, I think it just got rusted from under use.

I made a plan to kill myself yesterday. Don’t worry, I talked myself out of it. I don’t even know where it came from.

My day started off fine, then around twelve my mood started to drop. By two I was sobbing my eyes out and coming to the conclusion that I don’t belong here, that I was never meant to exist and that I only had one solution.

Ugh, the sun’s coming out. What was I saying? Yeah, so I don’t know where it came from. Yes, I’ve been depressed for a while but not that level of depressed. It’s worrying that that can just creep up on me. Now I’m lost for words. Maybe I should just end this here and try and write something happier like… ponies, ponies are happy, right? I know, shoes…

Or I can take a few minutes to be helpful, share a little something.

When I said I talked myself out of it, I didn’t really. I talked myself into postponing it. I basically sat myself down and said : “All you have to do is make it to January, that’s it. That’s your goal.”

When January gets here, I’ll set another goal. That is what’s helping me.

Now, January is a big thing to aim for. There have been times when it has been “make it to the end of the week” or “make it to the next hour.” Little goals. Making plans is a good things too, things to look forward to… that’s a lot of to’s. The point is, there are always journey to finish and new journeys to start.

‘The Murder of Miss O’ is not actually a murder mystery, everyone thinks it is but it isn’t. Do you want to read it and find out what it really is?