Singles: Back Up Slowly

I drive more carefully than I used to, not just because I’m worried about safety but because I’m also concerned about the hassle.  When you’ve been in an accident or two, or had to take care of one of your kids’ accidents, and you become familiar with the hours lost notifying the insurance company, getting repair estimates, working with the body shop, procuring a rental car—not to mention the cost—you just don’t want to go through that again. So, even when I’m backing up out of a tight parking spot with limited visibility, when there is zero chance of any serious injury, I still take a few extra seconds, look around twice, and proceed slowly. In my twenties, I thought I didn’t have time to take the extra five to ten seconds; now I realize that failing to take a tiny precaution of a few seconds protects me from potentially losing many hours in the future to a rush-induced mistake.

I wish singles would do the same thing when it comes to marriage. If you rush into one just because you’re eager to be married, or infatuated, or want to have guilt-free sex sooner rather than later, you risk “saving” a few seconds and then losing years to regret.

It’s been interesting seeing the different reactions to The Sacred Search between married people and single people. Singles often think I paint too scary of a picture; they’ve never been married, and so they often don’t see the danger. Those of us who have talked to people in extremely difficult marriages have seen the danger and want to scream out, be careful! It changes you as a pastor when a woman calls you to confess that the wonderful businessman who swept her off her feet and seemed larger than life now appears to be a toxic gaslighter who is slowly squeezing the life out of her. And she has two children under the age of five… It took her seven years to finally see what she now sees because for most of that time, she didn’t want to see it, but now she has to, and now she has to act on it, and it’s horrible.

So, singles, take a few extra moments. If the relationship is only a few months old and you are still in the flush of an infatuation, pause before you “back up” into marriage. In the course of your life, waiting another six months or even a year to test the relationship won’t mean much. It’s not like you still can’t relate to each other and enjoy each other. Sure, if you want to be faithful believers, you shouldn’t live together or have sex but sex makes up less than one percent of a married couple’s time, so there are plenty of other things to enjoy.

If you realize you need more than a pause, but actually a breakup, but the thought of “delaying” your life seems scarier than taking a risk that he or she is not as bad as you think, let’s consider that: I realize that breaking up, meeting someone new, dating, and getting engaged again could take several years, but as I’ve said several times before, wouldn’t you rather be happily married for 45 years than suffer through a frustrating marriage for 50 years? Like a careful driver, think long-term, because that’s what marriage is supposed to be.

As many of you know, I had the opportunity last year to update and revise The Sacred Search. This book has become a particular passion of mine. I’ve been able to hone the message and add insights garnered from more years of working with and alongside singles who are contemplating marriage. I hope you’ll give it a look, because the consequences of a rushed and foolish marital choice will be more bitter and last ten times longer than the momentary and fleeting excitement and pleasure of a hurried but unwise decision.

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