How do you act on violent impulses?

Priscilla Du Preez for Unsplash.

Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with someone that I used to regard as a dear, close friend. We had many things in common, but there were a few things we did not. One of those things was how we externalized violence. This person had a history of being violent with others (not a judgment, these were facts they had disclosed to me in the past). In contrast, I have an account of self-destructive behaviors, so all the violence I act upon is towards myself.

We concluded that perhaps there was a binary relationship between the two. That someone violent with others tends to explode, while someone violent with themselves tends to implode. It seems that this was what ended the relationship as we knew it for several years. I guess it is proof of the integrity of this insight.

I remember they asked me if I’d ever been violent with someone in the past since it seemed they could not comprehend how someone did not react as they did. At the time, I couldn’t remember any instances, but I did remember something a while later. I fought with the same girl in elementary school twice. I’m sure nobody would consider it a “real” fight after all. It probably lasted two minutes. I’m not sure if we even used our fists. We probably pulled each one’s hair, and that was it. It was still not okay. I don’t even remember her name, and we probably don’t even live in the same country, but I feel bad about it now.

Another seventh-grade girl wanted to fight with me, but I just avoided her until she got over it, I guess. We ended up hanging out years after. We were never close friends, but we respected each other.

I got a phone call the other night. It was a family member that had fought with their spouse. And by fight, I mean physically. I honestly don’t know why people disclose such things to me, other than probably the fact that I try hard not to judge and understand the motivations for their behavior. I hope I was able to help them by telling them how I handle conflict. I realize that I’m far from perfect and that my tendency to implode is very dangerous. I used to think what I did to myself didn’t affect others, but I realized I was wrong.

Talking about self-destructive acts, I tried to take my own life a little over a decade ago. It was a very dark time in my life. I was spiritually, emotionally, and physically bankrupt. I honestly thought people around me were better off without me. I didn’t realize how selfish that was at the moment, but now I can see it.

When I talked to my family member, this is what I said to them:

Every healthy adult is responsible for their own life. No one, absolutely no one else, can assume responsibility for others’ lives without getting involved in codependent behavior.The only things I have control of are my thoughts and my actions. I cannot control anyone else. I cannot control what my mother, father, partners, or future kids (if they come around) do or think.If I have any relationship and we only bring the worse in ourselves, it is a toxic relationship, and it needs to end ASAP.

I had to work hard to avoid imploding like I used to do when I was younger. For me, I need to surrender daily to the fact that I am not anyone’s higher power, not even my own. I’m not a religious person, but I have been cultivating my spirituality long enough to recognize I have a chance of being a more helpful member of society when I live my life based on spiritual principles.

Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. It’s been tough for me to understand that putting boundaries is caring about myself and the other person enough to realize the current situation is too toxic for sustainability in the long run. If I have any expectation of reigniting that relationship, I need to be right-sized. I cannot think I’m better or worse than anybody else. Because if I do, my ego will get in the way, which could look like morbid remorse or excessive pride. Those demeanors bring me farther away from the solution, and that’s how I try to get my will back.

Just for today, I try to live in the moment, do the next right thing, and help others to the best of my abilities.

To recapSome people externalize violence towards others (exploding), while others externalize violence towards themselves (imploding).Setting boundaries save relationships between ourselves and others.Codependency is never going to be healthy, even with the best intentions.Spirituality is the only thing that helped me become the person I wanted to be all along.

How do you act on violent impulses? was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.