Adventurous Isn’t a Fair Word When the Wife is More Vulnerable

It’s not uncommon for me to hear guys say, “I wish my wife would be more adventurous in the bedroom.” The way this is phrased, it makes the wife seem timid—a character weakness—rather than making the husband sound aggressive. The reason I rephrase it this way is that when you ask what the husband wants his wife to be more “adventurous” about, it usually presents a much greater risk to her than it does to him.

For example: in oral sex, there is the potential for a wife to have a consequence that a male performing oral sex on a woman will never face. Now, some women don’t mind that consequence at all. But there can be a consequence, a risk, if you will, that a husband won’t face. So it’s not a fair comparison to say, “I’ll do it to you, why won’t you do it to me?”

The same is even more true when it comes to anal sex. Many doctors warn that this act can physically harm a woman’s body. Let’s be clear: by all accounts this act goes beyond the design of a woman’s body and thus necessarily raises the potential for harm. There’s almost no chance the husband will be harmed, but his wife might be, even if they are careful. All of which makes me think that, again, “adventurous” is a skewed and unfair word.

Let me put it this way: what if I said to you, “Let’s be adventurous. I’m going to shoot an apple off your head with a bow and arrow.” That’s adventurous alright, but you’re the only one assuming the risk.

I could go on: in outdoor sex, there’s a huge difference between getting sand on your body (men) and potentially in your body (women). Or the possibility of being seen—for a whole host of understandable and legitimate reasons, women naturally have more concern about this. If a guy is seen in public 99% of the population will go “Ewwww, put your pants on.” A woman being undressed in public feels a whole different kind of vulnerable that not only isn’t irrational, it’s prudent and wise.

Or when a husband wants his wife to dress in public in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable—she’s the one who will be seen in public, she’s the one whose character might be judged, she’s the one who will have to deal with the gaze of other men. Men, your wife likely has a history that you know nothing about—being whistled at, “accidentally” being grabbed or groped in public, hearing lewd comments, etc. Her brain can’t turn off the fear of what she’s experienced in the past even if she wants to please you in the future.

This is why I urge couples to make “cherish” the lens through which they express sexual desire. When I use sex to cherish my wife—as opposed to using my wife to cherish sex—the end goal impacts the means. The goal isn’t simply my excitement or fulfillment—it’s for my wife to feel desired, honored, cherished, adored, and satisfied. That impacts what I ask of her, how I ask it of her, and the way I want her to feel as we grow in our sexual intimacy.

I’m not trying to be a killjoy telling men we should just be satisfied with missionary position sex. There are mountain ranges of possibilities for sexual excitement and fulfillment between missionary sex and putting your wife’s body or soul at risk. And listen—if a wife doesn’t feel vulnerable doing anything I’ve mentioned above (many don’t), none of these objections are relevant. I’m not saying you’re wrong for desiring something; I’m saying, have empathy for your wife when you ask her to do something for which the risk is immeasurably higher for her than it is for you. It’s not honest to make it sound like our wives are not courageous when we’re acting aggressively and perhaps even thoughtlessly. Certainly, “adventurous” isn’t a fair characterization.

Let me also add: Debra and I heard testimony after testimony of wives who found themselves doing things in marriage they’d never imagined doing before they got married and now not only feel closer to their husbands, but even closer to God as a result. They’ve experienced new freedom, joy, and their own pleasure. But husbands, listen: this kind of attitude was born out of experiencing a sense of safety, security, trust and pleasure with their husbands—never out of being assaulted with fear, intimidation or guilt.

Creating this understanding dynamic between husband and wife was both my and Debra’s goal in co-writing Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life and sponsoring the upcoming Married Sex Online Conference. We want wives to feel heard and husbands to feel heard. So many books, written by men, dismiss or don’t even take into account a woman’s perspective, desires, fears, and concerns. But also, some books seem to fault men for merely being men, not taking into account that men have different brains than women do and thus approach sexuality differently. Being different in the way we approach and desire sex doesn’t mean we’re inferior or sinful—it just means both husbands and wives need to grow in empathy and understanding in order to have a flourishing relationship in the bedroom. There can be a tendency on the part of some spouses to suggest, “If it doesn’t sound fun to me, it must be immoral.” That’s not fair either.

For this week, I’d like to offer a homework exercise for husbands and wives. In this instance, I want men to grow in empathy toward their wives, especially if they’ve been the ones pushing the envelope in a way that hasn’t been helpful. Men, ask your wives these questions:

“What risks do you feel in sex that I might not know about?”“Have I ever acted thoughtlessly in pressuring you into something without considering the different level of vulnerability we face?”“How can I bring something up I really want to try in a way that makes you feel safe and cherished rather than pressured and used?”

Let me assure the husbands: my and Debra’s goal in writing this book and releasing this online conference is not to limit your sexual experience but to expand it—in ways you might not even have thought about. But the best sex is built on trust, security, mutual pleasure, and empathy, which means sometimes, we have to take one step back before we can reset and take three steps forward.

By the way, by signing up for the conference, you’ll be one of the first to get a free copy of our hardback book as soon as it’s released. You’ll also have an entire year to view the courses of almost two dozen speakers on the topic of married sex. Early bird registration ends September 5th. You can sign up here.

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