You Don’t Want What You Think You Want
Let me talk to the women first, and then the guys. However, I’d like both genders to read both sections so that you can consider the weight of all that I’m suggesting here. Part of finding the right person to marry is becoming the right person, so take a hint and learn from what I’m telling each gender to avoid.
AN EXCITING MISTAKE
Women, my goal is to get you to care about your boyfriend’s godliness as much as awife cares about her husband’s godliness. It’s his character that will help keep your life mission alive as feelings begin to fade. I’ve rarely had a wife complain to me about her husband’s looks. When wives send me emails, it’s almost always about character issues: “He shouldn’t do this thing. He should do that thing, but doesn’t. How do I fix this?”
Yet most women are not seeking men of character first. They are seeking men with whom they feel “in love.” If they do feel in love, they will excuse every fault they see in their man, trying to make the relationship work. If they do not feel in love, they will not seriously consider the man as a potential mate.
Ironically, girlfriends are quick to justify seemingly bad behavior in their boyfriends and try to explain it away, while many wives are eager for everyone around them to know how awful their husbands can be and how everyone should feel sorry for them for having to live with such a wreck of a human being. In fact, not long after they become wives, women will fault men for the very things they overlooked and defended as girlfriends. One woman told counselor Winston Smith, “You don’t understand how sick he is! Did I tell you what he did once in college?” Why didn’t this episode bother herbefore she got married? Having known this and accepted it, why bring it up now as a wife?
Would that it were the reverse, with girlfriends seriously discussing with their friends their boyfriends’ weaknesses so that they could make a wise decision, and wives seriously defending their husbands’ honor so that they could make a lasting marriage. Unfortunately, ignoring your boyfriend’s weaknesses and gossiping about your husband’s failures are two sure paths to divorce.
In front of a very large group, I asked all the married women to stand up. Then I said, “I want you to sit down if you disagree with me that a man’s godliness should be one of the top two things a single woman should consider when choosing a mate.”
Not one wife—not one—sat down. Every married woman was telling every single woman: find a man with solid character who is growing in the Lord and pursuing godliness. That’s what those women value most as wives. Yet many single women merely pay lip service to character: “Well, yeah, character and godliness are important, but I think my boyfriend loves God … in his own way.”
Too many single women overlook some serious character flaws or maybe even an absence of faith. Because their feelings are so strong, they just can’t believe this isn’t a match made in heaven. Rather than honestly explore whether this man is worthy of their trust and worthy to become their kids’ father, they spend their energy trying to explain away his apparent flaws and to make his spiritual maturity seem acceptable to friends and family members.
Women, ask yourself, what will you most desire in your man ten years from now, when you have kids and a house and are sharing a life together and the infatuation has faded? Find that. Look for that.
Most married women desire their men to be godly, to have a good sense of humor (life is tough—laughing helps), to be an involved dad, to have a strong work ethic. And yet those four qualities sometimes take a backseat with single women. Some are more attracted to the dreamer who has lots of plans than they are to the workhorse who puts in lots of effort. They value immediate sexual chemistry over a man who keeps his word and lives a respectable life. What so many single women want is a guy who makes their hearts race, their palms sweat, and their sexual chemistry boil, while so many wives want a man they can count on, who will be there for them and their kids every day, and who will faithfully deposit a check in the bank at least once a month.
If you don’t deal honestly with this discrepancy—what you value now, and what you’ll value ten years from now—you’re setting yourself up to live with many regrets. Making a wise marital choice begins with giving proper weight to more significant issues—a shared mission and character traits that will bless you or plague you for the next five or six decades—rather than sexual chemistry or romantic intensity that will fade within months.
It is also easy for women to be carried away by a man’s position. Maybe he’s wealthy. Maybe he’s a leader in the church. So you make assumptions that because he’s this or that, everything else must be okay. Here’s the thing: you don’t marry aposition. You marry a person. Some wealthy guys are stingy. Some ministry guys are jerks. Don’t let a guy’s position distract you from his person. You’re looking for character, not status; you want to find a man who is solid in his core, not just someone who has a solid title.
Can I be blunt? Can I put on my “pastor’s hat” here for just a second and flat out tell you what I hope you want? Acts 6:3 sums it up perfectly: “Choose … men … who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom.” This is what the early church looked for in leaders of their congregations, and it’s what you want to look for in leaders of your home. Men who are filled with the Spirit—they are alive to God, and God is active in them—and men who are full of wisdom. You won’t regret making a choice founded onthat basis. Can this honestly be said about your boyfriend? “He’s a man full of the Spirit and wisdom”? If not, are you sure you want to settle?
A GORGEOUS MISTAKE
And for you guys—since I’m one of you, I know what you’re looking for. We like to look, particularly at gorgeous women. Science has established this (a 2009 Dutch study demonstrated that attractive women can literally derail a man’s cognitive functioning), and the Bible concedes this, telling young men in Proverbs 31 not to be led astray by a woman’s beauty or charm, because both of these fade. God knows that we are enthralled with physical beauty. One of those Dutch researchers of the study I just referred to—a published, high-degreed professor—met a stunningly beautiful woman at an academic conference. As they talked, he was eager to make a good impression, but when she asked him where he lived, he literally could not remember his street address.
Within marriage, this captivation can be a wondrous thing. It’s actually a blessing to be enthralled by your wife’s breasts (Prov. 5:18–19), but when choosing a wife, we also have to be careful about putting more weight on things that last. In case you’ve never thought about it, a woman’s body changes much more rapidly than her characterdoes.
The same is true of sexual chemistry—what launches sexual chemistry won’t sustain sexual chemistry. Your girlfriend might very well be all over you (physically) now, but if you’re not married, that in itself is a sign of selfishness: when she wants you, when her libido is high, she’s enthusiastic and initiating. But if she loved you, if she genuinely cared for you, she would want what’s best for you in Christ. She would hold back from inappropriate physical intimacy as she wouldn’t want to taunt you or tempt you or pull you away from God.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this. It’s so sad to speak with guys who think their sexually active girlfriends will be sexually active wives just because in the early days of the relationship, when the sexual chemistry was so high, the only problem was reining in the affection, not expressing it. In fact, however, it’s almost always the reverse. If your dating relationship is sustained by sin, what will sustain your marriage? If your girlfriend acts selfishly as a girlfriend—wanting sex because she wants it, and wants it now, regardless of whether you’re married—why do you think she won’t act selfishly as a wife?
The same sin that moves your girlfriend to get too physical before marriage is the sin that will kill or perhaps maim sexual intimacy after marriage. Sin, by definition, is overturning God’s created order. In God’s created order, there should be no sex outside of marriage, and lots of fulfilling, generous sex during marriage. Why do you think a person will disobey God in the first instance, but obey Him in the second? Doesn’t it make sense that if you shut out God to do what you want to do in one season, you’ll keep doing it in the next season?
That’s why, when choosing a wife, you want to find a woman who is seeking first God’s kingdom now. You want to find a woman who is seeking righteousness now. If she isn’t a mission-based woman while you date, what will make her a mission-basedwoman after the wedding?
And lest you think that “mission-based woman” sounds boring, puritanical, and even asexual, let me assure you that when it comes to sex, virtue is your friend. Find a godly wife who is motivated by God, not just her own desires. God will never stop loving you, God will never stop caring about you, so if a woman is motivated by God and listens to God, she’ll keep loving you, too (including sexually), because she’ll get that love and motivation from God. And, not to be mean or anything, but there are times when you won’t be all that lovable. If your future wife isn’t motivated by God, there’s not enough about you to keep her interested.
This might shock you, but your best chance at sexual satisfaction in marriage is not to focus on appearance alone, but rather to find a woman of virtue. Proverbs 31 describes her as a woman who “fears the LORD.” When a woman is motivated by kindness, compassion, generosity, and understanding; when she is good at forgiving (because I guarantee you, you’re going to mess up); when she is desirous to serve as Jesus models service, she’s going to be a very satisfying sexual partner and an overall kind wife as well.
I have seen men drool over women who were all but ignored as singles when they hear those women’s husbands describe their loving service as wives. These men missed out on some very fine life companions because they were looking for the wrong thing. And I have seen men marry gorgeous women who steadily became less so, and those men made themselves miserable by making such a superficial choice. Proverbs 12:4 warns young men, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” If you’ve ever seen someone slowly waste away of cancer, that phrase—“a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones”—should strike fear in your heart. You will be eaten from the inside out when you attach yourself to a foolish woman, however beautiful (or rich, or charming) she may be.
Many men I’ve met have confessed that the reason they are following the Lord so wholeheartedly is because they married a strong Christian woman who wouldn’t have married them if they hadn’t increased the trajectory of their own spiritual growth. These men frequently confess that they shudder when they think back to what they would have become if they hadn’t changed. There might even have been some mixed motives in becoming more serious about the Lord, but the repentance took, the change has been real, and they feel immeasurably blessed. That’s the fruit of hitching yourself to a godly wife who inspires you.
I love being married to a beautiful woman; it’s a blessing I won’t even try to deny. But I treasure, even more, being married to a godly woman.
Here’s the reality: many women are led into marriage primarily through romantic idealism, and many men are swept to the altar through sexual attraction. Before you can make a wise marital choice, you have to rid yourself of inferior motivations. The wrong why will lead you to the wrong who.
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