Thinking Thursday - Radical Acceptance

I signed up for Gay Rom Lit in October and while I was doing it I was so excited. I swear I was one of the first five to sign up. Also, made the registration for the fabulous hotel in Albuquerque with my lovely roommate. All was good last night. 


I'm going as an author, instead of a reader like last year, which means I have to think of some swag to bring and I get to have a table for book signing - which means I have to actually have written some books to sign (there will be more on that at a later date - but it's promising at least). I signed up for a Q & A which I thought was ridiculous since there will be no one who will even know me as a writer, let alone ask me questions. My wonderful friend, William Neale, convinced me to do that one though. He said others would like to ask me what it feels like to start being published and have other newbie questions so I went for it. My MLR editor, Kris Jacen, will be running the Q & A so that's a familiar face at least.


So like I said, I signed up then went to bed, I woke up and freaked out. Not so much freaked out on the outside but my insides are scared to death now. It makes no sense really. I've been there before, I've met some of the people and they made me feel welcome and accepted but that doesn't help the insecurity that suddenly floods my entire body with thoughts of "I'm going to be the odd man out", "no one's going to want to talk to me", "I'll be a burden to those I try to hang around with". Guh. When will all that shit just leave my mind alone and let me be?


I've already made it abundantly clear that I have social anxiety and panic attacks and last year my form of therapy on an especially bad night was the encouraging words of a few friends (I'd never met) on Twitter. I got through it and I absolutely love the whole experience, and in the back of my mind I know it's useless to worry about it especially this far in advance. But as usual, my mind does not listen to logic - cue emotional mind as opposed to reasonable mind or wise mind. One of the big skills of DBT is radical acceptance and it's also one of the hardest, at least for me. 


One of the best working definitions of radical acceptance (for me) is
To accept your circumstances radically simply means that you do it from the depths of your soul and in every bone in your body. It does not mean that things will never change or that you are not affected by the realities of your life. Radical acceptance just means that you acknowledge reality for what it is. 


In some ways radical acceptance is like validation. It's validating how you're feeling and the situation/circumstances that you are in, without ruminating about ways you can fix it. It's accepting things for what they are and not judging yourself or the situation. It's being willing instead of wilful to how things are. It's about turning your mind to choose the road to acceptance rather than the road to denial. I'm not an easy skill but it's one that is important for peace of mind. 


I am in absolute love with Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser and one of his catch phrases is "It is what it is" and that is so the best way to describe radical acceptance. That doesn't mean "it" can't change or "it' is something you like or want, "it's" just there and you have to deal with it.


Another reason for my low mood is the issue that's still going on with my knee. It's been over a month of swelling and up to 9/10 pain and I'm so frustrated with the whole thing. Frustration brings on self-judgment that maybe I'm not doing what I should be doing or even - yeah, this is a weird one - that the pain is all in my head. I've been to the doctor, who assured me I was having pain,  and had X-rays and major anti-inflammatories and even stupid crutches, but it's still the same. I went to a walk-in clinic and had a fabulous doctor there but if nothing shows up on the X-ray then they don't even call you back. It's been a week and no call so I'm assuming there were no findings.

So now what do I do? Pretend it doesn't hurt and just keep keepin' on? I can't do that when I have a trip to NYC in 3 weeks. The walk-in doctor said the next step might be an MRI so do I go to my own doctor who I really don't like at all and who usually doesn't actually see me but has a resident do everything on the chance they'll do something? Last time I went, I ended up feeling small and reprimanded and the young man tried to teach me about mindfulness - of course, he didn't know the word mindfulness - something I could write a goddamn book about. Do I need to radically accept that my knee hurts and that's just how it is, and if I do that, what then? I don't believe it's going to get better all on it's own. I guess my only option is to bite the bullet and call my doctor, added frustration or not. And I could probably use a whole lot of mindfulness exercises right now, or in the alternative, I should do a lot of writing which usually helps me clear my head of all this crap.

This was much longer than I'd anticipated, not unusual for me, and I apologize if I came off preachy or out-of-my-mind. Lol that last one may be the truth. In closing, I'm going to list a few good things in my life and things I am grateful for.

- I am grateful that I've signed up for GRL, and nervous and freaking out or not, I'm going and it's going to be another awesome experience.

- I am grateful that I have a very special online friend that accepts all my bazillion emails and texts and just tells me I'm awesome all the time (even though I don't believe it). And even though she called me a dork twice yesterday, I still appreciate her. :P

- I am grateful my middle child landed safe and sound in Japan and is probably having an absolute blast. (I'm a little jealous too)

- I am ecstatic that a good friend of mine agreed to do the cover for Lucius' Bite which has tentatively been accepted for publication, along with my Lawyers in Love story, too.

- And finally, I am grateful for all the online friends I have who give me support and encouragement when I'm acting like a loon on crack and spewing my insecurities all over the web. You. Are. Awesome.

End of post. Have a good (almost) weekend everyone.