Keeping It Real
Today, my Husband and I celebrate 4 years since our public "I Do's". I have often shared the high-light reel of how we met (I was 3 years old, he was about 9-10 years of age) at a small home fellowship group. I was hiding behind my Mother's chair, and this older boy was trying to coax me to come out (apparently, I always played hard-to-get, even back then). Fast-forward several years. When I was 12, this exotically handsome Filipino "stud" showed up to help my Dad build our family home. In between helping my Dad, he volunteered to play many robust, sweaty games of tag with me and my gaggle of younger siblings (he didn't know then, but I was making him practice chasing me hard). At the end of the summer, he left to go to Bible College in Southern California. I was wistful, as I knew that I probably would not see him again (he was almost 19), and knew (even at age 12) that the odds of him staying single long enough for me to grow up and become "legal", weren't in my favor.
Nearly 20 years passed... I was 35 and a single Mom, when a sudden tragedy struck his family and re-introduced us. What started as an easy friendship quickly ran deep. But by that point I was very disillusioned and cynical, and years of working through Complex PTSD had left me with a LOT of baggage. So I kept him out at arms length. We had been talking every day for about a month, when, without telling me, he left to spend 3 days alone to pray and fast about our friendship, and to ask God to help him lay aside his personal feelings and become the kind of friend that I needed. And that was when I knew that he really was what I needed and wanted--the kind of man who would love unselfishly and faithfully, lift me up in prayer and pray HARD.
A little over a year later, we married in the presence of our (combined) 4 teenage children. There are many more surprisingly wonderful details of our love story, but I will save that for another time.
But here is where I want to get real. As I said before, these are the highlights. A real, and precious part of our story, to be sure--but that is not all that there is to it. And I never want to be guilty of hypocrisy or duplicity. I also don't want for any other struggling couple to hear this story and feel discouraged, because their own is not so colorful. So here is the candid truth:
The last 4 years of marriage have been anything but a cake-walk. In some ways, it's been an incredibly short period of time. In others, there were seasons that seemed to stretch on for forever, with no apparent end in sight. We started our lives together scraping our way out of the dire straights of real poverty. The desperate tears, sweat, and whispered prayers were real and raw. Added to that were mental illnesses, psychological scars, and spiritual & emotional immaturity that threatened to tear us apart--both as a couple, and as individuals. And then there was the challenge of trying to become a blended family and help our teenage children navigate their own floundering emotions and find their place in our new life together.
Whether we realized it or not back then, Lloyd and I each came into marriage with a TREMENDOUS amount of baggage--baggage that wouldn't go away or be ignored, and that continually tripped us up until we finally started the rigorous, unpleasant task of unpacking. In the process of facing each of our own unresolved hurt, anger, trust issues, etc. (extending back over each of our separate lifetimes) we found ourselves lashing out at and deeply wounding the other--in mortifying ways that we never knew we were each capable. There have fights that went through the roof, with a lot of shouting and swearing involved (from both of us). There have been words spoken rashly that have taken ages to heal, and some things which we thought would never heal. There have been tears-- a LOT of tears. There have been broken hearts and broken trust. And there has been the overwhelming shame, guilt, and remorse, as we each found ourselves wondering how two people who love each other so much could hurt each other so bad? Even worse, how could two people who love Christ and profess to follow Him, say and do such un-Christ-like and ungodly things to each other?
There have been seasons when it seemed like the vicious cycle would never end...
But slowly...ever so slowly... God has been patiently at work. Unwrapping one painful layer at a time, and exposing all the raw reality underneath. From death, new Life has sprung forth. And the life-lessons that He has taught us (and is continuing to teach us) are rare gems that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Today, as we celebrate 4 long-short years of marriage, I find myself dealing with mixed emotions. Half of me is brimming with joy and hopeful expectation for the future, and all that God has in store for us. There is a wonderful fruitfulness in our lives (individually and together) that God has accomplished, and I rejoice in that, along with all of the vision God has given to us as we launch into Ministry (me, as a Women's Writer and Speaker; and Lloyd, as a Marriage & Family Therapist and Pastor to the Deaf Community). Today, we LOVE doing life together and sharing all of these incredible things!
...But when you have really (REALLY) struggled in marriage (and especially when others have been made aware of your failings) sometimes there is still a tendency to feel so condemned for where you have fallen short, that you end up feeling that you don't actually have the right to celebrate anything. Not publicly or on social media, anyway. Thoughts come, such as "Will the people close to us (those few who KNOW what we have gone through) think we're fake? Does it look like we're pretending that the struggle was never there, or that we're trying to ignore (the embarrassing and egregious details of) our own history?"
I know (from painful personal experience) that the hardest thing to deal with when you are going through messy marital issues (or really anything that triggers strong emotion) is the sensation that others are disappointed in you, and/or shocked by the appalling wreckage that is your mess. The sensation that you both are the "problem child", amidst all the other smiling couples at Church on a Sunday morning. Or, even worse, the sinking feeling that other people have "adjusted their expectations" and don't really expect you (or your marriage) to make it, at all. And it's hardest not to give up, when you get the distinctest feeling that others gave up on you a long time ago (even if for justifiable reasons). And half of you wants to explode with all the reeling hurt and anger you have been carrying alone, while the other half of you feels suffocated into polite silence, until you just don't want to hang on anymore.
This is not where we are anymore, (thank God!) but for many individuals I have spent time with, I know that these same feelings and experiences are far too real. And for many, sadly, Church does not always feel like a safe place to go to or seek help in handling these issues.
Why do I share all of this? Because through the struggle of our growing pains together, my husband and I have developed a tender heart of compassion for other struggling couples and hurting marriages. And because for us, the couples who gave us that needed spark of Hope were the ones who were candid, vulnerable, and real--who didn't shy away from sharing the ugliness they themselves have waded through. The couples involved in ministry who teetered near the brink of divorce, before God pulled them back. The couples who have loved God and each other fiercely, even though they have fought fiercely together. The ones who continually prayed with and for us, and kept insisting that they believed in us, and the power of God at work through us, despite all evidence to the contrary. The ones who taught us to laugh at ourselves, and not take everything (every little slight, disappointment, and let-down) so seriously. The ones who kept speaking the power of God into our hurting mess, and who saw with eyes of Faith the things we, ourselves, could not see from the depths of our dark valley.
Today, Lloyd and I stand healed and whole by the saving power and blood of JESUS Christ. It's not that we don't still need healing in various ways, for different things (and we certainly do NOT have it altogether!). But when I see who we are today, in view of who we were before, the difference is Night-to-Day. We have been broken, and re-made. We have been humbled. God is continuing to strip us of our selfishness, and to make us gentle, loving, and compassionate partners, committed to serving God and one another. God has been toughening us up, forcing us to shed our wishy-washy ideals, pettiness, whimpiness, complaining and whining, and instead to grow some spiritual muscle and maturity. God has been teaching us how to fight the Good Fight (instead of always being victims), and to come out as "more than Conquerors". And with that obedience has come vision and purpose. Again, we definitely don't "have it all together". But what God has taught us on our Journey are things we earnestly want to share with others, so that the lives of others can be enriched and empowered, and so that has been damaged can be made whole.
So I share this for the hurting couple who feels alone in their struggle. I share it for ones who are battle-scarred, aching and angry. And especially for the ones who wonder if there is still any Hope left to cling to. We have been there... We feel your pain, and we understand... And we are here to walk beside you. To listen to your stories, the good and the bad... To pray with you. To encourage you. To laugh with you, and to cry with you. Because we know that the Blood of JESUS can do what no one else can do.
There is no Victory without Battle. If you are sweating, bruised, battered, and bloodied from your war, don't feel shame for it. Those are the tangible proofs that you have fought. Don't give up your fight. The Battle belongs to the LORD, and He WILL grant you Victory, in JESUS' Name.
"He makes ALL things Beautiful... in its time."
--Ecclesiastes 3:11
Nearly 20 years passed... I was 35 and a single Mom, when a sudden tragedy struck his family and re-introduced us. What started as an easy friendship quickly ran deep. But by that point I was very disillusioned and cynical, and years of working through Complex PTSD had left me with a LOT of baggage. So I kept him out at arms length. We had been talking every day for about a month, when, without telling me, he left to spend 3 days alone to pray and fast about our friendship, and to ask God to help him lay aside his personal feelings and become the kind of friend that I needed. And that was when I knew that he really was what I needed and wanted--the kind of man who would love unselfishly and faithfully, lift me up in prayer and pray HARD.
A little over a year later, we married in the presence of our (combined) 4 teenage children. There are many more surprisingly wonderful details of our love story, but I will save that for another time.
But here is where I want to get real. As I said before, these are the highlights. A real, and precious part of our story, to be sure--but that is not all that there is to it. And I never want to be guilty of hypocrisy or duplicity. I also don't want for any other struggling couple to hear this story and feel discouraged, because their own is not so colorful. So here is the candid truth:
The last 4 years of marriage have been anything but a cake-walk. In some ways, it's been an incredibly short period of time. In others, there were seasons that seemed to stretch on for forever, with no apparent end in sight. We started our lives together scraping our way out of the dire straights of real poverty. The desperate tears, sweat, and whispered prayers were real and raw. Added to that were mental illnesses, psychological scars, and spiritual & emotional immaturity that threatened to tear us apart--both as a couple, and as individuals. And then there was the challenge of trying to become a blended family and help our teenage children navigate their own floundering emotions and find their place in our new life together.
Whether we realized it or not back then, Lloyd and I each came into marriage with a TREMENDOUS amount of baggage--baggage that wouldn't go away or be ignored, and that continually tripped us up until we finally started the rigorous, unpleasant task of unpacking. In the process of facing each of our own unresolved hurt, anger, trust issues, etc. (extending back over each of our separate lifetimes) we found ourselves lashing out at and deeply wounding the other--in mortifying ways that we never knew we were each capable. There have fights that went through the roof, with a lot of shouting and swearing involved (from both of us). There have been words spoken rashly that have taken ages to heal, and some things which we thought would never heal. There have been tears-- a LOT of tears. There have been broken hearts and broken trust. And there has been the overwhelming shame, guilt, and remorse, as we each found ourselves wondering how two people who love each other so much could hurt each other so bad? Even worse, how could two people who love Christ and profess to follow Him, say and do such un-Christ-like and ungodly things to each other?
There have been seasons when it seemed like the vicious cycle would never end...
But slowly...ever so slowly... God has been patiently at work. Unwrapping one painful layer at a time, and exposing all the raw reality underneath. From death, new Life has sprung forth. And the life-lessons that He has taught us (and is continuing to teach us) are rare gems that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Today, as we celebrate 4 long-short years of marriage, I find myself dealing with mixed emotions. Half of me is brimming with joy and hopeful expectation for the future, and all that God has in store for us. There is a wonderful fruitfulness in our lives (individually and together) that God has accomplished, and I rejoice in that, along with all of the vision God has given to us as we launch into Ministry (me, as a Women's Writer and Speaker; and Lloyd, as a Marriage & Family Therapist and Pastor to the Deaf Community). Today, we LOVE doing life together and sharing all of these incredible things!
...But when you have really (REALLY) struggled in marriage (and especially when others have been made aware of your failings) sometimes there is still a tendency to feel so condemned for where you have fallen short, that you end up feeling that you don't actually have the right to celebrate anything. Not publicly or on social media, anyway. Thoughts come, such as "Will the people close to us (those few who KNOW what we have gone through) think we're fake? Does it look like we're pretending that the struggle was never there, or that we're trying to ignore (the embarrassing and egregious details of) our own history?"
I know (from painful personal experience) that the hardest thing to deal with when you are going through messy marital issues (or really anything that triggers strong emotion) is the sensation that others are disappointed in you, and/or shocked by the appalling wreckage that is your mess. The sensation that you both are the "problem child", amidst all the other smiling couples at Church on a Sunday morning. Or, even worse, the sinking feeling that other people have "adjusted their expectations" and don't really expect you (or your marriage) to make it, at all. And it's hardest not to give up, when you get the distinctest feeling that others gave up on you a long time ago (even if for justifiable reasons). And half of you wants to explode with all the reeling hurt and anger you have been carrying alone, while the other half of you feels suffocated into polite silence, until you just don't want to hang on anymore.
This is not where we are anymore, (thank God!) but for many individuals I have spent time with, I know that these same feelings and experiences are far too real. And for many, sadly, Church does not always feel like a safe place to go to or seek help in handling these issues.
Why do I share all of this? Because through the struggle of our growing pains together, my husband and I have developed a tender heart of compassion for other struggling couples and hurting marriages. And because for us, the couples who gave us that needed spark of Hope were the ones who were candid, vulnerable, and real--who didn't shy away from sharing the ugliness they themselves have waded through. The couples involved in ministry who teetered near the brink of divorce, before God pulled them back. The couples who have loved God and each other fiercely, even though they have fought fiercely together. The ones who continually prayed with and for us, and kept insisting that they believed in us, and the power of God at work through us, despite all evidence to the contrary. The ones who taught us to laugh at ourselves, and not take everything (every little slight, disappointment, and let-down) so seriously. The ones who kept speaking the power of God into our hurting mess, and who saw with eyes of Faith the things we, ourselves, could not see from the depths of our dark valley.
Today, Lloyd and I stand healed and whole by the saving power and blood of JESUS Christ. It's not that we don't still need healing in various ways, for different things (and we certainly do NOT have it altogether!). But when I see who we are today, in view of who we were before, the difference is Night-to-Day. We have been broken, and re-made. We have been humbled. God is continuing to strip us of our selfishness, and to make us gentle, loving, and compassionate partners, committed to serving God and one another. God has been toughening us up, forcing us to shed our wishy-washy ideals, pettiness, whimpiness, complaining and whining, and instead to grow some spiritual muscle and maturity. God has been teaching us how to fight the Good Fight (instead of always being victims), and to come out as "more than Conquerors". And with that obedience has come vision and purpose. Again, we definitely don't "have it all together". But what God has taught us on our Journey are things we earnestly want to share with others, so that the lives of others can be enriched and empowered, and so that has been damaged can be made whole.
So I share this for the hurting couple who feels alone in their struggle. I share it for ones who are battle-scarred, aching and angry. And especially for the ones who wonder if there is still any Hope left to cling to. We have been there... We feel your pain, and we understand... And we are here to walk beside you. To listen to your stories, the good and the bad... To pray with you. To encourage you. To laugh with you, and to cry with you. Because we know that the Blood of JESUS can do what no one else can do.
There is no Victory without Battle. If you are sweating, bruised, battered, and bloodied from your war, don't feel shame for it. Those are the tangible proofs that you have fought. Don't give up your fight. The Battle belongs to the LORD, and He WILL grant you Victory, in JESUS' Name.
"He makes ALL things Beautiful... in its time."
--Ecclesiastes 3:11
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