Zombie Roulette
In Zack Synder's Army of the Dead, zombies take it on the road and go to Vegas. Because, if you were one of the undead, wouldn't you? If only for the all you can eat human buffet (I hear the brains are delicious).
Now from here on out there are zombie spoilers. So, don't blame me if you find out the zombies are doing the humpy hump without protection. I know. I was shocked too. I mean, sure they eat people, but the total lack of parental planning was just immoral. Are there even any good schools in Vegas for zombie children?
The general gist of the film is that the U.S. Army was up to some shenanigans and got ahold of a zombie. He's kind of like an MMA fighter. So you know what that means. He's super hot - for a dead guy.
Well, Conor McGregor here needed a ride to somewhere. A secret lab? Walmart?
A crew has him out on the road. They're a top level team tasked with transporting this dangerous cargo. So, of course they're all idiots, and our Sunday outing turns into a scene from the walking dead real fast. Afterwards, the newly dead and their leader see the Vegas lights and think to themselves: Ooo, vacation. We've all been working so hard at this undead thing. Let's go have some fun! Vegas is a hellscape three minutes later, and we're off to the races. Five stars on Zombie Yelp!
There's a suspicious, underworld guy named Tanaka. He's not to be trusted, but you knew that. Tanaka convinces the good guy, Scott Ward played by Dave Bautista, to assemble a team and go after $200 million dollars in a bank vault under the strip. Cause that's just where you keep $200 million in cash. Who needs the earned interest anyway?
Well things go from bad to worse. Scott's daughter comes along. Tanaka's got his own man planted in the team, and this stooge sure can't be trusted (but you knew that).
Along comes a zombie tiger followed up by a feather dancer in need of some Nivea night cream for that bad complexion of hers. She's shacking up with our zombie hottie, and her undead womb is making a zombie junior. I'm just guessing it's a boy since they haven't had their gender-reveal party yet, but I digress.
Mrs. Fan Dancer gets her head chopped off which is the zombie version of an abortion I guess, and dad is super miffed. He decides to ride his undead horse to go get revenge.
Tanaka's man has the head. That's what he's really been after as Tanaka wants a zombie army of his own. How will he control the blood thirsty mob and not become lunch himself? No clue. It doesn't appear he's thought it that far out, but thinkin sminkin, who plans things these days anyways.
Once he has what he's after, you'd think Tanaka's man would take off, but no. He stays around long enough to have his escape cut off and get killed (like ya do). Tanaka only sends his very best!
From that point, basically everybody dies. Cause when you're caught between a zombie horde and a nuclear explosion, you're just screwed. Is this the nihilistic ending the audience was after? Did you spend two and a half hours to watch everything be for nothing? Well, apparently you did.
There is the glimmer of a potential sequel at the end though. Even though everyone who gets bitten turns up undead in minutes, one guy gets chomped on but has to break out of that vault, walk across most of Nevada, hop a plane to - again somewhere - and looks at the wound in the mirror and just says, "Damn", and when you get done seeing this movie, perhaps you will too.
Now from here on out there are zombie spoilers. So, don't blame me if you find out the zombies are doing the humpy hump without protection. I know. I was shocked too. I mean, sure they eat people, but the total lack of parental planning was just immoral. Are there even any good schools in Vegas for zombie children?
The general gist of the film is that the U.S. Army was up to some shenanigans and got ahold of a zombie. He's kind of like an MMA fighter. So you know what that means. He's super hot - for a dead guy.
Well, Conor McGregor here needed a ride to somewhere. A secret lab? Walmart?
A crew has him out on the road. They're a top level team tasked with transporting this dangerous cargo. So, of course they're all idiots, and our Sunday outing turns into a scene from the walking dead real fast. Afterwards, the newly dead and their leader see the Vegas lights and think to themselves: Ooo, vacation. We've all been working so hard at this undead thing. Let's go have some fun! Vegas is a hellscape three minutes later, and we're off to the races. Five stars on Zombie Yelp!
There's a suspicious, underworld guy named Tanaka. He's not to be trusted, but you knew that. Tanaka convinces the good guy, Scott Ward played by Dave Bautista, to assemble a team and go after $200 million dollars in a bank vault under the strip. Cause that's just where you keep $200 million in cash. Who needs the earned interest anyway?
Well things go from bad to worse. Scott's daughter comes along. Tanaka's got his own man planted in the team, and this stooge sure can't be trusted (but you knew that).
Along comes a zombie tiger followed up by a feather dancer in need of some Nivea night cream for that bad complexion of hers. She's shacking up with our zombie hottie, and her undead womb is making a zombie junior. I'm just guessing it's a boy since they haven't had their gender-reveal party yet, but I digress.
Mrs. Fan Dancer gets her head chopped off which is the zombie version of an abortion I guess, and dad is super miffed. He decides to ride his undead horse to go get revenge.
Tanaka's man has the head. That's what he's really been after as Tanaka wants a zombie army of his own. How will he control the blood thirsty mob and not become lunch himself? No clue. It doesn't appear he's thought it that far out, but thinkin sminkin, who plans things these days anyways.
Once he has what he's after, you'd think Tanaka's man would take off, but no. He stays around long enough to have his escape cut off and get killed (like ya do). Tanaka only sends his very best!
From that point, basically everybody dies. Cause when you're caught between a zombie horde and a nuclear explosion, you're just screwed. Is this the nihilistic ending the audience was after? Did you spend two and a half hours to watch everything be for nothing? Well, apparently you did.
There is the glimmer of a potential sequel at the end though. Even though everyone who gets bitten turns up undead in minutes, one guy gets chomped on but has to break out of that vault, walk across most of Nevada, hop a plane to - again somewhere - and looks at the wound in the mirror and just says, "Damn", and when you get done seeing this movie, perhaps you will too.
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