The Motivation You Need to be Married
If you’re a regular reader of this blog or my books, you know that one of the fundamental truths for me that keeps pouring motivation into my marriage is viewing God as my heavenly Father-in-law. I never want to forget that I’m married to God’s daughter. That makes my relationship as much an expression of gratitude to One to whom I owe everything as it does about a relationship with another person.
For this week, I’m including a short excerpt from my recently updated and re-released book A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion into Your Marriage, where, in book form, I try to unpack the meaning of this truth.
When couples so frequently tell me they have slowly grown apart, it only reinforces my belief that fifty percent of marriage is about motivation. How can we stay motivated to love spouses who—like all of us—aren’t always easy to love? Well, let’s look at how our heavenly Father—and, if we’re married, how our heavenly Father-in-Law–displays His motivation to keep loving the imperfect us.
When the rebellious tribes of Israel finally returned and even wept over their sin, God was eager to take His children back: “‘Is Ephraim My dear son? Is he a delightful child? Indeed, as often as I have spoken against him, I certainly still remember him; therefore My heart yearns for him; I will surely have mercy on him” (Jeremiah 31:20 nasb).
In the same way, God is fully aware of our spouses’ limitations, and He is just as eager for us to be kind and generous with these faults as we are eager for our kids’ future spouses to be kind to them when they stumble (by “stumble,” I am not talking about abusive marriages—if that’s your situation, see the end).
Women, if you dreamed of long, soul-filled discussions late into the night but six months after the wedding realized you married a man who wouldn’t know an emotion if it bit him on the nose until he bled, try dealing with your frustration by understanding that you made a good God very happy by agreeing to love His son with all his limitations. My earthly father-in-law wept tears of joy at my and Lisa’s wedding rehearsal dinner. He was overcome with emotion because, as he later told me, he believed his daughter would be secure in her husband’s love, and that’s really all he needed to know. I had pathetic job prospects, virtually no earthly possessions besides a 1974 Ford Maverick Grabber, and lacked the real-world wisdom that you might hope a future son-in-law would have. But none of that mattered as much as the fact that he knew I was committed to Lisa and she’d be secure in my love.
That’s but a dim but compelling picture of how your heavenly Father rejoiced when your spouse made the decision to marry you. Your disappointment at perhaps not having the marriage you imagined is understandable, but worshipping God by loving your husband anyway is a precious choice that will be richly rewarded in eternity and will greatly impact your life on earth as well.
Men, if you married your wife not realizing that breast cancer or multiple sclerosis was in her future, and you’re thinking, I didn’t sign up for this, consider also how much joy you gave to your heavenly Father-in-Law when He could say on the day you were married, “I’m so pleased my daughter is with a good man who will stay with her and care for her out of reverence for Me. I know what is in her future, and I will give this man what he needs to see it through. I just want him to take care of My cherished daughter.”
One of the things I love about this perspective is that while “secular” love is based on things that constantly change—health, beauty, mutual enjoyment of each other, circumstance, and so on—my wife will never stop being God’s daughter, so my main reason for loving her will never change. If she is an eighty-year-old arthritic Alzheimer’s patient, she will be no less God’s daughter then than she is now. And I must never mistreat her, demean her, or do anything to dishonor her any more than I’d want my own daughter to be demeaned or cheated on.
What if I ran all my actions through this grid: “If a son-in-law treated one of my daughters the way I’m treating my wife, how would I feel?” Men, that’s how what you’re doing looks to God. Women, just switch the genders. Imagine one day hearing your daughter-in-law talking to her friends about your son with the same tone and words you use to describe your husband. How would that feel?
Things become so much clearer and evil becomes so much more transparent when we look at what we’re doing through the eyes of a benevolent parent instead of an aggrieved spouse. I want to be a faithful son-in-law, one who makes God proud, who makes God smile, who makes God sigh with satisfaction when He watches how I care for and treat my wife, His daughter.
With such an attitude, marriage becomes a central part of our worship. Putting God before all else helps me to be meticulously loving toward my wife. We learn to love imperfect people by serving them out of reverence for a perfect God, who loved us in the midst of our own brokenness. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Every believer owes God more than we could ever know. He not only created us, but He redeemed us as well. He continues to forgive us. He teaches us. He encourages us. He protects us, often in ways we don’t even know about. He provides us with a reason to live. His acceptance is the basis for our ability to face our shame.
When I owe someone so much, He can ask of me anything He wants. And one of the things He wants most particularly is for me to take care of His little girl.
Even if you spent ten years meditating on it, you’d still fall far short of understanding just how much God truly cares about your spouse. The Bible describes our believing spouses not just as children but also as “dearly loved children” (Ephesians 5:1). A good bit of their comfort, happiness, and care has been placed in our hands. What are we going to do with that?
This same understanding, ironically enough, provides abused spouses with the rationale to leave their marriage. As much as I love my son, if he was abusing his wife, I’d want my daughter-in-law to get out of there. I’d be angry at my son for the marriage’s demise, not at my daughter-in-law for protecting herself.
We worship a God of mercy and a God of justice, the most perfect Being who sees all and is fair to all. By worshiping him rightly, and understanding the fullness of Who He is, we can draw all the wisdom we need to apply to our own relationships and secure the right motivation to do marriage well.
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