Nibiru, Eris, and Fred
(My, how time flies. Has it been 28,000 years already?)
Remember the Y2K scare? When the world ended and everybody died, except people who had a Mac? Remember?
Of course you do. You remember – that ultimate eleventh-hour event that would herald the collapse of civilization, because billions of computers would forget how to add one day to today, as if all the world's laptops had suddenly become Liberal Arts majors.
Entire careers were spawned (or slain) by that Y2K threat, and the worst we got was an anti-climax the size of Bill Gates' divorce settlement.
It was one of those earth-shattering (figuratively) non-events (literally) where everybody got emotionally invested, for zero return. Great huge network teaser, followed by no show. Much ado about much nothing. It was a lot like the over-hyped director's cut of 'Star Wars,' or Bill Clinton playing the sax. (though he still insists he did not have sax)
And now, the doom-mongers are at it again. And, like in 1999, it's a date-based doom. This time, though, they're trying to group-scare us to group-death with an ancient computer – a dysfunctional calendar carved out of stone. Well, nearly carved.
Enter (well, re-enter) the Mayans, a Central American civilization so ancient that they still used Windows XP; a culture so primitive that they signed on as extras in a Mel Gibson movie without first consulting their agent. (The film was 'Apocalypto Now', starring Johnny Depp as Xmzrptlktlotl, and Michael Moore as Central America)
But the Mayan version of Windows (Windows VII BC, codename 'Abattoir') only told us that the world would end in late 2012. It didn't tell us how. And before anybody could find the instructions, the Mayan's entire operating system crashed, resulting in the first-ever American cultural reboot (literal translation: smallpox).
Fast-forward to today. If we can trust the date as prophesied by the Mayans, the world will likely deep-six itself during one of the 2012 college football post-season bowl games – maybe the Leon Trotsky Yak-Flavored Taco/Sumerian's Revenge Fiesta Dip Bowl – brought to you by those fine folks at Fred's Drive-Thru Parvo Vaccine And Tax Preparation Service, located just off the railway spur in Spine Fungus, Iowa!
"Folks, we'll be right back after this brief commer … arrgghh." [extremely bright light]
This would definitely qualify as one of the best – not to mention last – halftime shows ever. Total global destruction – now that's what I call a 'wardrobe malfunction.'
But here at the corporate headquarters of Don't Worry About It, our advice to you is simple: Don't worry about it. Despite the doomsayers and the 'last chance' car commercials, we're pretty sure that December 21 2012 won't be the end of the world as we know it. It will, however, be another winter solstice. (literal translation: the end of December 21 as we know it)
So, in an effort to calm everybody down, we've assembled a crack team of credentialed scientists, confirmed said credentials (Has unkempt hair; Owns tweed jacket with elbow patches; Has elbows), and asked them to field several of your concerns about 2012 AD, particularly those involving scary predictions and potentially frightening events. (Meteor strike; Mitt Romney getting unkempt hair; Super volcanoes; Rick Perry starring in a remake of 'Hamlet')
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Q: Are there any threats to the Earth in 2012?
A: Nothing bad will happen to the Earth in 2012. Our planet has been getting along just fine for more than 4 billion years, and credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012. Of course, these are the same scientists who said eggs were good for you.
Q: Is there any danger of Earth being hit by a meteor in 2012?
A: Well, there's always the possibility of impact by a meteor, or a comet, or a rogue Italian cruise ship. But the odds against it are very high, except for the cruise ship. The last big cosmic impact was 65 million years ago, and that led to the extinction of Charles Darwin.
(See 'Why you need not fear a supernova before 10:30 AM')
Q: How do scientists feel about all these claims of pending doomsday?
A: When faced with such queries, the first question out of the mouth of any credible scientist is, "Where is the evidence?" which is why scientists rarely get invited to keg parties. Scientists also have a nasty habit of shoving in footnotes … worrisome cross-references with the sole purpose of pointing out things that we would've never known we needed to be scared of, had they just kept their mouths shut.
(See 'Breathing: what your doctor won't tell you')
Q: What is the origin of the prediction that the world will end in 2012?
A: There are several such predictions, because, as a global culture, we have pretty much failed at eradicating hophead stupidity. However, one such end-of-all-things story starts with the Sumerians (literal translation: hopheads with sandals), who claimed to have discovered a planet called Nibiru. And supposedly, according to one obscure researcher (Fred Sumerian), Nibiru is barreling toward Earth. Initially, the catastrophe was predicted for May 2003, but when nothing happened, Fred rescheduled doomsday for December 2012. Obviously, Fred is not well.
Q: Many Internet websites say the world will end in December 2012. Should I be concerned?
A: No. But since you're the type of fringe whack that believes those websites, your coworkers should be concerned. Most of the internet is garbage, not gospel. Remember, there are also websites for naked biker conventions, for learning how to cheat at Scrabble, and for finding out how to get a government-backed discount mortgage rate if you're an under-aged legally blind female Sumerian vampire in prison.
(See 'The truth about super volcanoes and our penal system')
Q: I heard there's a planet called Eris that could collide with Earth this year. Is this true?
A: Eris is a real planet, but it's a dwarf (like Pluto, Thorin Oakenshield, or the measurable value of the UN). Eris would never make it into to the inner solar system, due to planetary physics and intergalactic carry-on baggage restrictions. The closest Eris can come to Earth is about 4 billion miles, which make Eris the perfect place to relocate the UN.
Q: Is there a danger from giant solar storms in 2012?
A: Solar activity has a regular cycle, with peaks approximately every 11 years. To give that some context, the last time there was a giant solar storm, Detroit was still part of the United States, and Saturday Night Live was still funny. Usually, the worst thing that can happen during increased solar activity is some interruption in communications. On the other hand, we could see a rise in lunar activity, which could cause some interruption in Fred.
(See 'Increased lunar activity and heavily-armed library workers')
Q: What is the polar shift theory? Is it true that the earth's crust does a 180-degree rotation?
A: A reversal in the rotation of Earth is impossible. (If that happened, cartoons would begin three hours later on the East Coast, and Congress wouldn't stand for it.) However, from time to time, the magnetic polarity of the Earth does reverse. This last happened 400,000 years ago. (It was a Tuesday, about 10:30 in the morning.) As far as we know, such a magnetic reversal wouldn't cause any harm to intelligent life on Earth. (It could, however, doom Congress. This is why, every day at 10:30, Congress goes home and watches cartoons.)
(See 'Polar shift and bipolar vampire health care')
Q: Doesn't the Mayan calendar end in December 2012?
A: Yes. As does the calendar on your kitchen wall. And the one in your cube at work. And the one in your boss's office that has 'long golf weekend' scribbled all over it. And that 'Leather-Clad Street-Bike-Riding Chest Mutant of the Month' calendar at the tire store. All calendars end, every year. See how it works?
Q: Is there really a planet called Nibiru that is approaching Earth and threatening widespread destruction?
A: Look, if Nibiru were real, astronomers would have been all over the story, not to mention Bruce Willis and Roland Emmerich.
Q: But I read that Nibiru could be in disguise, going by the name Eris, or Planet X!
A: Did you now.
Q: By the way, why do you keep qualifying them as 'credible' scientists?
A: Oh, that's an easy one. I have two words for you. Global warming.
(See 'More about Exploding Skin Syndrome')
Q: Hey, how about you NASA scientists? What do you guys think?
A: Oh, hi, America! Thanks for remembering us! Here at NASA, we're just kind of watching this whole 'doomsday thing' play out … though we're not getting to watch much of it. Thanks to budget cuts, we can now monitor a portion of the cosmos about the size of Rhode Island. (not the state – the hen)
But we'll be fine. Years ago, we started stocking up on MREs and Twinkies. (right after somebody turned us on to Fred's article)
And remember – we invented Tang.
