NSFW Character Art for my Romance Novel (and a lot of other positives in my life)
I really like how it came out. And it arrived on the perfect day too. I’ve been working all day on an erotica entry for an anthology I was invited to be a part of.
Working on this anthology has been really fun and I’m glad for the chance to work with other writers and learn more about publishing and marketing.
While we’re talking about positives, I’ll take the opportunity to say, yes, I’m okay. I posted a lot of weird stuff on youtube and in other places online over the past couple of days. I’m okay though. I’m just having a mental health moment.
I’m gonna work on focusing on positive stuff.
So here goes. Here are all the positives I can come up with in my life:
A lot of people really like me. I don’t know why. But a lot of people look up to me and come to me with writing questions and tell me how much they love my books and tell me they like that I speak my mind.
I have a husband who continues to love my dumb ass no matter what stupid, reckless, selfish shit I do. He’s really great. Maybe sending him my way is the universe’s way of making up for all the awful shit that happened when I was younger. I still don’t really deserve him though.
My book ‘Combustion’ has been read thousands of times. So many people have read it, I can not even conceive of how many people. It has accumulated nearly 100,000 reads. That is at least 10,000 individual readers and probably more. I never thought even ten people would read one of my books.
I have a Master’s Degree in English Literature. I have a lot of retail management experience. Maybe I’m unemployed and directionless right now, but I have options.
I have a really cute cat who is obsessed with me and loves to cuddle.
I started talking more about my mental health issues and the entire writing community didn’t lose respect for me like I thought they would. I didn’t lose any friends or followers and nobody yelled at me about how crazy I am. Well….except for one person who called me crazy after talking to me through a sock puppet, which really fucking sucked because he was the one that inspired me to open up about my experiences with the mental health field to begin with, and I never did before that because it does hurt so much for people to act like something is wrong with you…..what a dickhead. And if I “wasn’t a big part of his life” then why was I important enough to fuck with like that? I’m still processing it, because it hurt to be gaslit and treated like nothing by someone I really admired and thought the world of. But he’s one person. He doesn’t like me and he never did, I guess. But a lot of other people still like and respect me despite my flaws. So instead of focusing on that, on one person who went out of their way to make me feel small, I will focus on all the people who still really like me, even though I don’t always act right or have the appropriate emotional response. Other people can see my good attributes, despite my flaws. And for a lot of people, I might not be their cup of tea, but they wouldn’t go out of their way to mess with me. A lot of people in the world are decent, and that’s what I need to remember.
I’ve written several novels. Some are available online and some aren’t. A lot of people can’t even work up the nerve to write a book, nevermind go through rounds and rounds of revisions and beta reads and polish a manuscript for years until it’s done. I can do that. I have an ability not everybody has.
I’m energetic and goofy and productive and entertaining (or these are the ways people who like me usually describe me, and since I am being positive, I shall choose to believe them).
One thing about my childhood that I really liked was how much time I got to spend doing Irish Step dancing and singing and performing at different events. I was always enrolled in a lot of stuff and just always liked being on stage and being the center of attention (I’m sure everyone is shocked by that).
I’m at a point in my life where I have effective boundaries with my family. I have very minimal contact and have a good sense for when to end the conversation. I wasn’t always like that. My mom would be nice to me for two seconds and I’d be falling all over myself to try and make her love me, which would, of course, backfire when she used my incredible need for approval and love from her to hurt me. So, I don’t do that anymore. I completely shut down emotionally when I am around her. I say nothing about myself. When she starts to affect me at all, like if I start to feel happy that she praised me in some way, then I know it’s time to ghost and not talk to her for another year or two.
The library is really close to my house. I can see it from my window. And my city has a really gorgeous, fantastic library. It might not be open right now, but I’ll be able to got there again some day.
And most importantly….
Who cares if life is meaningless? That means that death is too. This is gonna be what I keep reminding myself of as I push through this period of suicidal ideation. If there’s no point in life, then what’s the point in death? (I know the logic is weird, but it’s working for me right now).
I’ll probably have a few more rough days, but I’m focusing on the positive today and that is what I will keep trying to do. It’s not all bad. I know I can do this.
Thanks to everybody who was worried. I’m okay. 
