I Am Owed An Apology

Apologies are really important to me. I don’t know why, but they are. When somebody apologizes to me, it’s like all my negative emotions around the event are just gone. Like I carry on all the time about the awful things my mom did to me as a kid. I rarely mention any of the stuff my stepdad did. Because he apologized and he meant it, and just knowing that HE KNOWS he was wrong and carries some guilt for it, that was enough for me to stop feeling so angry and hurt.

But like other people have pointed out to me, waiting for other people to apologize to you just hands all of your power over to them.

So I’ve got tot let it go.

In an effort to do so, I have written the apology I should have gotten for recent events:

Dear Jyvur,

I am so so sorry for talking to you with a sock puppet account. For having not one, but two anonymous accounts in your discord, in addition to my main account. I did it because I wanted to see what kinds of stuff you were saying, without you knowing it was me. It wasn’t because I was worried about you, or because I liked you at all. I was just being nosy. But I realize why that was confusing. It was really messed up.

When called out, I panicked. I was so panicked that I was angry, and I felt like ‘how is SHE mad when she started this whole thing? It’s not like she’s some perfect saint who didn’t hurt people.’ So I acted like you were crazy and said a bunch of stuff that completely contradicted my last message to you. Instead of taking responsibility for what I did wrong, I acted like you were in the wrong for being upset about it.

Regarding that last message, and all the stuff my buddies said to you, it was wrong, but we were really just messing with you. We wanted to put an idea in your head to see what would happen. Now that I’ve seen what happened, I feel bad.

I know it was a major violation to talk to you through an anonymous account. I put on this whole ‘it’s not a big deal’ bit when called out. But I’m not an idiot. I know it was a big deal to you, and instead of being obtuse about that, I should have just admitted I did a fucked up thing. And the acne comments, through both accounts, I was trying to hurt your feelings. I wish I could explain why. In the moment, I just wanted you to feel bad about yourself.

I guess it wasn’t just because I was being nosy. I was on an ego trip. I had a lot of fun saying all of that stuff to your friend, knowing it was going to get back to you. I was angry at you and just generally sad and lonely, so I took a lot of pleasure in using the call-out as an opportunity to reject you. I acted like my sock puppet was being called out for a completely different reason, not because it was a genuinely screwed up thing to do. I acted like you were chasing after me, when really I was the one still hanging around initiating contact with you.

And I put off apologizing to you for a long time for a couple of reasons. One is that this just wouldn’t be a big deal to me. So I kept telling myself you were a nut carrying on about it months later, because there’s something wrong with you. But I’ve realized it doesn’t matter how I would react. Regardless of anything you’re doing, it was wrong. The other reason I put it off is because I worried it would set you off further or maybe send you back to acting how you were before all this went down. So I hope that doesn’t happen, because we really really can’t talk anymore.

But I do know that I was wrong. I do realize that was hurtful and cruel. I’ll try not to treat anyone like that again in the future.

Please know that I’m truly sorry.

-XXXXXXX

That person would never actually write anything like that. They would just somehow make it into their own victimhood. They would deflect by saying I’m over-reacting, which admittedly, I am. It doesn’t matter. That was still wrong. They’ll never admit that. I’m told they might not even be a real person, but a group of guys who literally just conspire to mess with people.

So it’s like….why am I even still upset? The world is full of assholes and I had a run in with one/some of them.

I shouldn’t be. I should be past it.

And it’s probably pathetic and weird that I’m still so hurt and angry over this. I’m still owed an apology and it should have gone something like what I wrote above. But people suck and I will never get one.

I will never get one from my mom either. I will never get one from my biological dad who I’ve never met and who was incredibly nasty to me the handful of times we spoke via email. I’ll never get one from my first serious boyfriend who told our entire high school the most humiliating intimate details, after I tried so hard to do everything to make him happy.

I have to figure out how to be okay with that. People do shitty things and never feel bad and that’s the world.

All I can do is apologize when I do the wrong thing and hurt people.

That’s all for now.