Interview with a Gentle Domme

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BDSM! Yes, today we get to talk about BDSM. Specifically, we get to talk about my favorite flavor of bdsm: gentle femdom. This is BDSM with the female as the domme, but minus the pain play/humiliation/cruelty of the femdom style we often see portrayed in mainstream media. It’s a more nurturing, tender form of domination. If you’re curious about it, I recommend checking out r/gentlefemdom or r/extragentlefemdom.

I had the opportunity to speak with Shadow, a gentle domme who works with one of my favorite BDSM erotic romance authors, Pixie Stormcrow, on the kink advice column ‘Dear Lani.’

Dear Lani

Shadow kindly agreed to answer some questions, so that I could share her wisdom with my readers! Without further ado, my interview with Shadow!

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Hello Shadow! Thank you so much for agreeing to be interviewed by me! I’m excited to have you on my blog. Can we start with you introducing yourself to my readers and telling us a little about what you do?

Well, I am 37 yrs old, and have been a gentle femdom for just under 25 years. I am happily married to my hubs for 3 yrs now. Just like Lani, I was hesitant about the marriage part.  I have been professionally trained back in the early 2000s in Ontario when I was attending college. What I do now is Shipping Logistics because of my skills with people and scheduling.

When you say you were professionally trained do you mean as a domme?

As professionally as possible 20+ years ago. They didn’t have schools or degrees back then. I’ve studied under 3 different types of Dommes. 1 was a very strict male and taught me most of the Pain Dominant style. 1 male who taught me position training (which I adored). And a female who taught me textured play styles and how to guide and gauge a sub. The gentle femdom was just how my style ended up as I tried and experimented growing up sexually.

So, I always knew I was into BDSM, but was incredibly averse to meeting people on fetlife or joining any BDSM community. It just didn’t feel romantic to meet a guy that way and too many men already don’t know how to act in online dating situations. I was worried about men being creepy or sending inappropriate messages if I tried to meet a guy in a community centered around kink.

I’m someone who takes a long time getting to know someone before I’m comfortable talking dirty and all that, and too many dudes come right out of the gate with crass sexy talk in message one anyway. I couldn’t see myself interacting in a kink community and being comfortable. But the downside to waiting until you’re dating someone to unleash all the freakiness is like….well, in my experiences anyway, the other person usually isn’t on-board with the freakiness. 

I guess, what would you say to people who might have similar concerns as me? Are any of those concerns valid? And if so, is there a way to successfully navigate the kink community in a way that feels comfortable? 

Your concerns are highly valid. Those concerns happen for both men and women when they are first starting on their BDSM journey. Please make sure that for whatever online site you use for the community that you see how secure they are. Be very careful about what info you provide as well in case of being hacked.

There are ways to navigate through each site. Always start with the intros. Those tell you who are in control of the sites and events. Research the person who you are interested in. See what their past posts are like. For those bothering you, or can’t take a no, there is always a way to either report them or block them from bothering you.  You are not required to answer everyone. Don’t do that to yourself or else you may become overwhelmed.

When starting, I always encourage someone to make a wishlist of knowledge or experiences. This allows you to start with something small, safe, and easy to control. Both of you will eventually have to take the risk when it comes to the scene part, but always be honest up front that you want to go slowly. If they can’t respect that, that’s the first hint to leave as they are not suited to you.

As for the romance part, if you are the Dom, you get to control a part of that. I usually ended up finding my subs “out in the wilds of RL”. Like one dolly I had was from a call center we both worked at. My hubs I met at an internet cafe. Not super romantic but it was the dates themselves that were.

What are some of the biggest misconceptions about the BDSM community?

Gods above, where do I start?!

How about a female Dom is a ball busting crazy chick who you will be black and blue from and destroys your phone by pitching it against a wall? 

Or how about how this type of lifestyle is a terrible choice and against so many different ideals?

Or the male Dom who just wants to abuse a sub and gets off on their misery?

Most Doms I know want to have control because it’s what makes us feel safe, required, and useful. It’s heady stuff to have that kind of power. For the subs, it’s more about being able to relax and have a direct focus point in their lives that they can depend on and they feel needed. Being able to serve your Dom and see their joy makes a sub’s whole day bright. For the Dom, helping the sub grow and serve is a pleasant feeling too. Very Proud kind of style.

This type of life is nothing to be ashamed of! Personally I find those interested in this type of life have more fun, happiness, healthier life than most couples I’ve seen. The communication and opening up to that one special person is the hardest part of our style of sex lives. To admit to ourselves that the unique styles or events are what turn us on. That is the hardest part to overcome. We are conditioned when young to conform to the norms of society and to hide our more sexual nature. I say be true to you first. No one else will make you happy if you yourself cannot be happy in the current moment. People who love you will try to help, please don’t push them away. Acknowledging is a great start. Not saying you have to take the help right away. Just the communications required between people is the biggest and hardest thing to get over.

I’d love for a second to talk about some of the shame that can come with kinks. Like for a long time, I wouldn’t admit that I was into gentle femdom. Literally, it took writing a whole ass gentle femdom romance novel, before I was like “yes, this is my kink. Obviously.” Even while I was writing it on wattpad, I’d be like “Oh….you know…I’m not into this. I’m just writing it.”

I can get into the opposite side too. I’ve definitely got a switchy kind of thing going on. And I had no problem talking about getting turned on by being dominated. But with the femdom stuff I was like…ah, I feel creepy! I think part of it is that most men will try out being the dominant one even if it isn’t their thing and they are usually a lot more averse to even the most tame femdom. Plus there’s the way women with that kink are portrayed in the media. It’s always some ball-busting cold woman like “on your knees, slave!” and no shame to people who enjoy that, but when that’s the ONLY portrayal of sexually-dominant women you see in mainstream media, and it’s treated like such a perverse thing-it’s never treated as sensual or hot like male dom/female sub is-it’s like you see that image of a dominant woman, and you’re more into gentle, tender stuff, it’s like confusing. You know?

I didn’t really know what was up with my sexuality and why it didn’t fit into any box until I discovered r/gentlefemdom on reddit a few years ago and was like “YES! These are my people. This is what I keep trying to make happen in my sex life!” I just think it’s tough to not really have a script for the stuff that turns you on. Most other kinks people have a frame of reference, where most people don’t for gentle femdom, including me.

I remember when I was 19, seeing if my boyfriend at the time would let me pin his wrists down and tease him. It right away turned into “What is this? Some kind of dominatrix thing?” and he was so worried I was going to escalate to all kinds of whipping/humiliation stuff. It was like he didn’t believe me when I was like, “No, I’m not into that” because his only frame of reference for women being sexually-dominant is the more intense dominatrix we might see in a tv show or movie-usually as a gag to show how perverse or strange a particular character is. 

*Takes deep breath* Okay! All of that is to say….Is shame more common with femdom than with male dom/female sub BDSM? And why do you think gentle femdom is this niche kink so few people know about? Do you think we’ll ever see more mainstream exposure for that gentle/tender form of BDSM?

Shame of my lifestyle choice? That never really came into play for me. I used it more as an experimental phase like most teens or young adults do. I just knew if I didn’t tell a guy what I wanted and how I wanted it, that I would have a more difficult time climaxing. I’m what you would call blunt or direct about what’s on my mind. Without trying it at all, you’ll end up reading about it or seeing a naughty video somehow. That’s usually how most people find their kinks. 

Now shame or dissatisfaction is exactly what any Dom uses with the sub. So don’t get confused by the two types.  It’s parallel to how you train a pet. You tell them no, they give you those big sad eyes and somehow we must resist the cute or wanting to comfort them and stand firm for the training to take hold. The shame a dolly/sub feels and how it is to be addressed is the difference. I want my dolly to know they did a bad thing and learn from it. Not be scared for life and walk on eggshells around me.  I feel like the question is more about how public is the shame for us to deal out? I personally keep mine fairly private as the relationship is for us and not the world. We have subtle cues and codes to alert each other when this kind of situation arises. 

Now about if this niche will find popularity, that depends on the fans of gentle femdoms.  I know personally that Pixie has run into issues that publishers do not want a female Dom book because the popularity is not high enough to invest in it. Most other female Doms I have come into contact with are super strict and more into a pain version of play than me. I enjoy making them crazy with lust and over sensitive. The reactions are my absolute fav to watch and experience. Doesn’t help that Hollywood only seems to make the shows and movies about the harsh ladies of Dominatrixes.

Help us make a gentle but firm femdom the next big thing! Support those who have taken the chance and put that image out in public!

This question is kind of random, but I’ve got to ask somebody. Why are so many of the men who like femdom into anime? What is going on there?

 I’m not throwing shade, I just can’t figure out the correlation. The gentle femdom romance I wrote keeps ending up listed on profiles with anime fanfiction all over it. I don’t watch anime that much. All the men who read my book do. And just anecdotally, all the men I meet in the wild who have that kink like anime. It just seems like such a random link and I’m so curious if you have any theories about it.

-giggles- This is all about a generation growing up in the height of Anime hitting the western world. You can thank Pokemon, Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball, Ninja Scroll, or even Gundam Wing for changing how a generation views women now. A lot of those shows have strong females who are very loving. So I truly believe it’s just how the generation was raised and stuck in front of a TV. I was probably mid teens when I saw Pokemon or Sailor Moon on TV. I also think Disney in the 90s is the reason for a lot more Furries in the world. They made some sexy looking foxy, ducky, or mousey ladies. 

Do you think people have to be part of “the scene” and all of that if they’re into BDSM? Or is it possible to cultivate that kind of dynamic just by going through the mainstream dating venues?

Being into BDSM does not require a community. It’s just really fricken nice to have like minded people to discuss BDSM topics with. As you mentioned with dating and how to bring it up, I always find kinky videos a good way to see how my partner reacts before telling them what I’m into. Have fun discussing what you want to try. Weirdly enough, Truth or Dares are a great way to get into or deal out a small punishment. There are tons of pretty simple games out there to play questionnaire with your partner. Every one knows about sexy dice! I prefer the Truth or Dare. So yes, you can still end up in BDSM without belonging to a community. Shipping to houses anything you need really has removed the element of needing a village to acquire what you need.

If people want to use mainstream dating sites, is there a way to subtly advertise that they’re into BDSM or role reversal in their bio, but without coming right out and saying it? 

That’s really really tricky to put on a site without someone being able to connect the dots. These sites are specifically made to help find a match to your kink. I believe I touched on a few ideas in your 2nd question about sites. The most subtle way I have seen people advertise is actually in the art they post or like. You will see who likes bold print art (Dom), or messy multicolored art (texture), to ink blots (imaginative), to the clash of art mixtures (inventive), and even the most wholesome art (sub). Each picture that we like has something that calls out to your soul and mind. It’s up to the possible partner to be able to puzzle it together on the more subtle end if that is how you wish to portray yourself on such a site.

You help Pixie Stormcrow out with her ‘Dear Lani’ BDSM advice column, right? What has that experience been like? Do you have any other BDSM-themed content in the works or planned for anytime in the future? 

Helping Pixie with the Dear Lani is a first time exposure of my style. I’m quite quiet in public about my style since where I live really has not caught up to modern times. I’m surprised that the one stripper place we have here hasn’t been torched. But I digress.

The experience has been uniquely challenging because we would pick a topic to talk about in word form, but then we received very little written feedback. We wrote for months before our first brave soul mentioned how helpful it was to read. That was the moment when I knew we were being read and that it was by more than 2 people. It’s a standing fact that for every one person who speaks up, there are about 10 others who agree but are not willing to voice it so. The biggest factor for our help columns is we need that feedback from our fans! Ask us questions! Or offer up a scenario you wish to have our intake on! I don’t wish to lose fans by constantly repeating the same advice. Or we go a direction on the columns that our fans are not interested in. All things we want to avoid. But as we have noticed, male writers seem to get the most responsive fans.

Perhaps someday, Pixie and I will be that famous. But I have always enjoyed helping the quiet ones find their paths and guide how I can. To see them blossom and find themselves, that’s what Jacob is all about. Lani is all about being supportive and their cheerleader for confidence. Darryl is for the ruggish charm and unapologetic style. Erica is extremely set rules, guidelines and order. Elijah is the beauty and art of the individual.

The only future works I have planned is my own body fitness and healthcare during these Covid Times. To take care of my sub hub as best I can. And of course answer anyone who is willing to ask a question. No matter how dumb, cause there was always a reason for the question to have formed in the first place.

I believe the Dear Lani would have to explode in popularity before I could really plan anything more elaborate. I love reading but I can’t make up a story worth a damn. My grammar has always been a weakness of my scholarly ways. So I am very glad I met Pixie and can help her express her voice and stories. And now you with your blog of course!

To all my Lovelies out there, keep reading and asking questions so that you can be confidently you!

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That’s it for my interview with Shadow! For more information about BDSM and a kinky lifestyle, check out the advice column she contributes to, along with erotica author Pixie Stormcrow.

Read ‘Dear Lani’ here.

Dear Lani