Asking too Much of Our Marriages
Stanford professor David Cheriton cuts his own hair and bought a used Honda Odyssey for his family. He’s lived in the same colonial-style house for over thirty years. He flies commercial and even reuses his tea bags.
You might conclude that Dr. Cheriton is trying to conserve as much of his university salary as he can to prepare for retirement. Stanford pays better than most universities, of course, but still—it’s teacher’s pay. Right?
If you read Forbes, however, you might know that Cheriton was one of the early investors in Google, as well as several other highly successful companies, with the result that his financial net worth today hovers around $8 billion dollars.
Here’s how much eight billion dollars is: if David decided to give you a birthday present of one million dollars cash, it would cost him 0.0125% of all he owns. You wouldn’t know David is that wealthy by watching him, but he could buy the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Yankees and still have enough money left over to buy your house as well.
You could do a fascinating study on the “quietly rich” amongst us. Every now and then we’ll read news stories of people who had modest jobs but who left a million or two to their favorite charity upon their death. Those are fun stories to read.
There’s an entirely different kind of “quietly rich” people who live among us. We could call them Christians. God offers so much, yet we tend to receive so little. Here’s what God offers:
Deep peace that comes from trusting Him (Ephesians 2:14)Joy that leads to strength (Nehemiah 8:10)Wisdom (Psalm 111:10)Fulfillment that follows an obedient life (modeled by Jesus in John 4:34)Excitement that bursts from a life of supernaturally inspired serviceComfort, counsel, and conviction from the Holy Spirit (John 14:26)Salvation (Acts 4:12)Forgiveness of sins (1 John 1:9)Strength to overcome bad habits and sins (1 Corinthians 15:57)A clear conscience (1 Timothy 1:5)The knowledge that God can use everything—even bad things—for good (Romans 8:28)
Too often, we live like billionaire children of a wealthy God who ignore the riches he offers but then turn around and resent our spouses for not giving us pennies from their depleted piggy banks.
Until we understand how rich we are in Christ and all that God makes available to us as His children, we will ask our marriages to do more than they were designed to do. Without drawing on the riches of life in Christ, we feel hungry and needy and ask our spouse to bring us the peace, joy, fulfillment, and excitement that comes from Christ.
If I believe my deepest needs are met in Christ—if my joy is dependent on my salvation (which can’t ever change), my need for wonder is met in daily worship, my need for fulfillment is met in being used by God, my affirmation is met by God’s acceptance, then anything my spouse brings to me is a plus. It’s the frosting, not the cake. It’s the sprinkles, not the doughnut.
When I read Teresa of Avila’s autobiography, I read the words of a very satisfied woman who was never married. She experienced spiritual ecstasies and devoted herself to several difficult missions that gave her a reason to get out of bed. She didn’t get anything from a spouse because she never had one —not a single back or foot rub, birthday gift, anniversary dinner, not even one “I love you, babe” at the end of a hard day.
What if we pursued God as earnestly as did Teresa, but we also got to enjoy the occasional benefits that marriage offers? I think we’d be happier and more appreciative of what marriage adds to our life rather than being so sensitive to what it doesn’t offer.
When we draw deeply on all that God makes available to us, we become less desperate in our marriage. Your sexual intimacy may not set off fireworks, but it can be a pleasant and nice addition to an already full life. When a guy tells me that sexual intimacy two or three times a week isn’t “enough,” the last thing I’m going to do is lecture his wife to do more; in that instance, especially with young children, he needs to learn how to lessen his expectations. When I talk to a wife who admits to me that she is married to a good man in every way but she’s upset because he doesn’t initiate prayer every night the way her best friend’s husband does, I want to recount (but I don’t) the issues from my last five pastoral counseling sessions to put things in better perspective.
It’s not wrong to want to improve your marriage. And there is a place and process for legitimate requests for change—that’s for another blog post. But it is wrong to live in forgetfulness of all that God offers and to look at your marriage from the perspective of an atheist. It is foolish to make your happiness dependent on the whims and inclinations of a fallen human being.
Expecting to find most of your fulfillment in God means you become thankful for what you have rather than be obsessed over what you don’t. Your spouse may not be your very best friend, but the intimacy you share with God in prayer makes you feel like you’re connecting with someone on a regular basis. Family life might seem routine, but surrendering to the work of the Holy Spirit as He uses you in miraculous ways—calling that friend just when they need a word of encouragement, praying a powerful prayer over a friend or even a stranger, being there at a soccer game when someone just needs to talk—gives you the sense of purpose and meaning you want and need.
Go ahead and keep raising the issue in your marriage; even seek marital counseling when appropriate. Just don’t do any of that forgetting what you do have through Christ and without placing your primary fulfillment on Christ.
Throughout my marriage I have found that the more I receive from God the less I ask of my spouse. God gives us what no spouse ever can. Begin asking more of God because He wants you to (John 14:13) and let your spouse be the “seasoning” in your life, not the main course.
Marriage is very, very good when you first draw down the riches of life in Christ and then sprinkle in the little extras that a spouse offers. It becomes very frustrating when we ask a spouse to be what God designed Himself to be—our main course.
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