Happy Thanksgiving to the Peasants of the Kingdom of New York

Hear ye, hear ye: His Majesty the King of the Imperial City of New York, the Surrounding Communities, and the Vassal Counties to the North, on the advice of His Holiness Pope Fauci, has decreed that the Traditional Feast of Thanksgiving be limited to ten individuals due to the continuation of the Plague. This is a decision that was not made lightly, but the only way to stop the spread is to prevent family members of separate households from meeting. He understands that this will cause a minor inconvenience, but just think about the service that this will provide for your Benevolent Ruler. As you worship at the Altar of the State, remember that the Gods of Science will be smiling down upon you in favor.

The enforcement of this edict will be carried out by Constables and Sheriffs across the Kingdom, and the expectation is that these officers of the law will quickly enter into private homes with arms drawn in order to count the number of individuals present and issue fines, payable to His Majesty, for those found in defiance of the order. If these confrontations are met with resistance, arrests will be made. His Majesty is growing tired of the insolence and the desire of His Subjects to have any sort of enjoyment in their short existences.

If the Constables and Sheriffs refuse to enforce the edicts, the King’s Elite Health Guard will come in to do headcounts and issue the fines. However, they are limited on resources, so His Subjects are asked to rat out anyone that they suspect may be gathering in numbers greater than ten. If you see eight or nine participants through a window or more than four horses staked in front of a house, call the guards over immediately so that they can inspect the property for excess bodies. This is your civic and patriotic duty. Do not disappoint your Benevolent Ruler.

His Majesty would also like to remind His Subjects that the curfew of 2200 hours for all taverns remains in effect. The Plague is a brutal beast that is not only nocturnal, but it also only targets select establishments and individuals practicing certain activities, such as singing in churches or gathering in small markets. Remember that face coverings are required until further notice, and they will still be necessary even after the release of the Cure, which should only be administered once Emperor-Select Biden assumes the Throne of the American Kingdoms United.

It is suggested that you do not participate in any celebration this year, but if you must, it is imperative that you abide by the simple and just orders set forth in the Royal Guidelines. His Subjects would do well to remember that His Majesty could have prohibited all gatherings this year, but He so graciously decided to allow assemblies of up to ten people. Do not make Him regret this decision, and mass failure to comply will result in the tightening of restrictions for the Christmas Celebration.

We are to take comfort in the Paternal Benevolence of our Beloved Leader, and although some of you still sin against Him, He wants you to be confident in His Abilities by reading His new Holy Book. The insights in this book will be used as a guide for future Plagues for generations to come, and it should be noted that the Grand Senior Massacre has now been erased from written history. His Majesty is incapable of mistakes, so any perceived shortcomings will now be blamed on Emperor Trump. Be sure to give His Majesty eternal praise for His work in single-handedly halting the spread of the Plague. Do we not have so much to be thankful for this year, my fellow peasants?
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Published on November 17, 2020 18:15
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