My Story: How I Survived My Abusive Relationship

This is My Story of How I Survived My Abusive Relationship...Evelynne V. Browne

It's been almost a year now since I left my abusive relationship of four almost five years, going through years of emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is extremely degrading, draining and it leaves you damaged in so many ways and this is the first time I've really truly talked about it, but it's time that people hear my side because this person is going around telling people lies.

I first met my boyfriend in high school, it was pretty much love at first sight so to put it, he was a nerdy gamer like I was, and after gazing at each other in the hallways my best friend at the time finally encouraged me to go ask for his number. This was my first boyfriend, I thought this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He made me laugh, he made me smile, but I was horrified that if I told him about my past I would lose him forever. I had self-harm and depression issues when I was younger, I had been bullied so severely in middle school and deemed 'that girl that got raped', my life was made a living hell and it changed me forever and of course I didn't want to tell my boyfriend this. Eventually, I had built up the courage to tell him and he was a great listener at first, I told him that's why I was very hesitant about things and that I was kind of scared of being loved. He was very comforting and promised me something like that would never happen again and that he would protect me if I ever was in any danger.

While attending high school I had gotten very sick, my appendix had perforated and I had developed blood poisoning. I had to be rushed to surgery but my appendix had ruptured so badly and the head surgeon had tried as best he could to get rid of all the substance that was in my appendix, it had basically poisoned me. To this day it is hard for me to talk about this because I almost died, sepsis is a very serious thing, I developed Jaundice, my eyes turned yellow, my skin turned yellow and I had swelled up so badly I was huge, I couldn't even bend my fingers. I was horrified for my life and at one point they were unable to give me medicine, I was so dehydrated and they had to immediately administer a PICC line (A catheter that is inserted in the arm and carries medicine directly to the heart). It had saved my life, if they hadn't got those antibiotics and medicine to my heart I would have died and I have never been so horrified for my life.

To this day, I will not believe the fact that the night before, when I was very sick and my family had been told I might not make it, that I may not survive this and they might have to say their goodbyes. My boyfriend had the audacity to bring out his gaming laptop and claim to do his homework but actually play videogames. My uncle who was with me along with other family was enraged at the fact he did this, even my nurses were shocked and lost for words.

After getting home from the hospital, I was pretty much bedridden for a month, I don't really remember him coming to see me but then again he was very busy juggling college and high school (He was supposedly taking college courses and doing Highschool at the same time). Eventually, I had gone back to school and after a while, I had managed to graduate after slamming through my courses.

Now there was a point where my boyfriend and I had lived together, his grandparents who were away traveling (They had a home in Arizona I believe), well they were kind enough to let us live in their condo, while my boyfriend worked at a computer place. It was really nice and we wanted to practice living together for the future because eventually, we wanted to live together. Now because I was still recovering and I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasn't ready to get a job so usually I would stay and clean, make dinner for him every night, I was practically a housewife and to be honest I really loved it. During this time I was having these episodes (Later diagnosed as seizures) where I would pass out for periods of time and wake up later, now at the time I didn't know these were seizures, I had been diagnosed with a fainting disorder called Syncope, I had also been diagnosed with Severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which didn't help. Now he would work from morning till it was dark out, I felt bad for him because he didn't see the light of day until the weekends, he was very depressed and he hated his job but never did it fail, he would come home and complain that I did nothing. That dinner was good but it wasn't his favorite, or that I should have cooked dinner later so it didn't sit in the oven to keep warm, that I should have done his laundry and cleaned this and that, of course, he thought I did nothing even though I had spent the whole day cleaning. This made me feel so horrible, he would never tell me about his day, sometimes he wouldn't even eat dinner with me at all, he would just go and play videogames and socialize with his friends instead of spending time with me. I felt like the worst person in the world, I felt like the worst girlfriend and I blamed myself. I often wondered throughout my whole relationship what I did wrong.

Eventually, he had stopped going to work without calling in, so he ended up getting fired even though he told me he had quit. When he had lost his job he was much happier, but still, he would spend his days playing videogames while I was baking, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our birds at the time. (We had too adorable budgies), I had cleaned their cage, trained them, and took care of them and he did none of this, videogames were always more important. He would guilt trip me and make me feel bad for not doing something and then I'd do it for him anyway. I was so tired, exhausted, and depressed, my own boyfriend would hardly spend time with me, he was always in his room playing videogames and the only time I really got to spend time with him was when we had Lan parties. Our friends would come over from the island and we would drink and have fun, oh it was a blast and I miss those fun memories, but even now that I think back, I remember how many times I was left alone, my boyfriend would get drunk and out of hand and I would have to end up taking care of him. I remember he got so wasted he got alcohol poisoning, he had vomited everywhere and insisted on sleeping on the floor. Now when we had these get-togethers, I was never really allowed to get drunk and have fun because I took care of everyone, though we did have some friends who didn't drink and helped me take care of those drunkards. 

Talin, if you read this mate, you are awesome and I want to thank you for checking up on me all those times. (Sorry if I spelled your name wrong)

I also want to thank Robert, I love you man and you were always like a brother to me, we went to school together and you helped me take care of everyone, good thing you had those paramedic skills though lol

I would also like to thank Eddie, you were the only one that really believed me when everyone turned against me and I really appreciate that man. You're an awesome dude and I hope you're doing alright.

After these parties, the mess was catastrophic, you gotta think, we had seven or eight people over, usually, I was the only girl. Usually, everyone would leave and I was left to clean up the mess, now my boyfriend usually didn't help, he would just go back into his room and play videogames. Not to mention that this boy was a slob, he would have dozens of coke cans and wrappers piling up on his desk and if I were to clean up his desk to be nice and show my love, the boy would throw a fit, he would yell at me and tell me never to touch his stuff again. I would get screamed at if I were to move his keyboard or touch his desk whatsoever, I wasn't even permitted to sit in his chair half the time because I knew I would get yelled at.

Now let's skip ahead to when he was living with his roommate, this is when he was attending Vancouver Film School, (VFS) and so was his roommate at the time. Now, this is when my episodes, we'll call them because I still didn't know they were seizures. This is when they were really bad, now I would spend a lot of time at his place because it was really the only time I could see him and he lived quite a commute away. I had really bad insomnia and when I did sleep, I would sleepwalk, he was nice enough to take care of me sometimes but when I would have these seizures (Called Syncope at the time), he would just leave me on the floor to fend for myself. I would have these seizures over a dozen times a day and would often wake up alone, his roommate would find me on the floor and of course, he had no idea what was going on because my boyfriend hardly talked to him. I would wake up from these seizures so disoriented and where would my boyfriend be? Right back at his desk playing videogames.

I had tried to break up with him a few times but no matter what he would always reel me back in, saying that it was my fault and it wasn't fair for me to leave him like that. That it was my fault I didn't communicate, that he needs to focus on himself because he has a life too. I was often belittled and pushed aside when it came to my hobbies and aspirations in life, he was no very supportive of my artistic abilities and often tossed my paintings aside and threw his stuff on top of them. He didn't care about my writing and even when I offered to let him read my manuscript, he told me he would never read that kind of crap and that writers were going to be replaced one day by robots so who gives a shit.

This is where things began to get really bad, he had been living with his roommate, which this little basement suite was being paid for by his grandparents, he wasn't even attending school and often lied to be about attending school, he was lying to everyone. Videogames were more important than everything even his schooling and the written projects he did, I wrote them for him because I was supposedly better at writing. Now my boyfriend had already gone through several different computer programming courses and failed a majority of them because he didn't do the bloody work and he would get so stressed and angry, he would project that onto me and I felt awful. I felt like was to blame and no matter how much I tried to help him, he still made me feel like crap. 

Now to deal with his stress, my boyfriend often smoked Marijuana with the highest THC level he could get, now I only smoked CBD because THC made me all loopy and I didn't like it. (CBD helps with my seizures, my pain, etc.)  He would smoke it all the time and it would leave him so numbed up and dumbed up that it was impossible to have a logical conversation with him. Now he smoked weed to escape from his stresses and anxieties instead of dealing with them and it frustrated me because his stresses and anxiety were all because of him, and he could have easily fixed these things if he had just put the effort in. I remember when I would stay at his grandparents while they were here and he would secretly smoke in the bathroom and supposedly they had no idea, he was stoned all the time and I hated it. He even started smoking cigarettes at one point because he couldn't deal with the stress.

After not so long living with his roommate, they had a fight and his roommate ended up moving out. The boy was a slob and he always ate out instead of cooking, he never did any chores and usually, I ended up cleaning the kitchen when I was there and then his roommate would leave and things wouldn't get cleaned up. So again, I was cleaning up after two teenagers (Well one was a teenager, my boyfriend was technically an adult and he's about a year older than me), two slobby boys, I would do the dishes, I would cook for me and my boyfriend and because I was too tired to cook most of the time, we would order in and boy did we do that a lot. I had gained a lot of weight because we would always order fast food and boy did my boyfriend make me feel horrible for that too.

Almost every time he would get a snack, he wouldn't share because I didn't need the food, he would tell me I don't need the food because I could lose some weight anyway. I had never felt so ugly in my life, my own boyfriend thought I was fat and he would ridicule me for eating, whether it was a bowl of chips or a granola bar. I was ridiculed about how I looked all the time and my self-confidence, my self-esteem was destroyed and I often self-harmed because I didn't feel wanted or loved.

My boyfriend often lived with his grandparents because his father was an alcoholic and he was always going through multiple wives to put it nicely. Usually, it was very stressful when my boyfriend lived with his dad because he pretty much had to take care of his drunken father and usually he wouldn't so I had to deal with it. We'd have to cook for his father, clean, get groceries, and usually, my boyfriend was sent to the liquor store to pick up beer for his dad.

Now let's talk about my boyfriend's grandparents, I loved his grandparents because they were incredibly sweet to me and loving. They were always there to give my boyfriend money if he needed it, they would help us buy groceries and even bought me groceries when my mum and I were going through tough times. Now I honestly thought of my boyfriend's grandparents as family, his grandma was like a second grandma to me, and she taught me how to bake, how to sew, she taught me a lot of things and she was always worried about my health.

My boyfriend, he was horrible, he disliked his grandparents and often said that he didn't love his family, I couldn't believe this, his grandparents helped him through anything and if he needed anything; they would go out on a limb and help him. He was so rude to his grandparents and I just couldn't believe it, I could never disrespect my family like that.

I had gotten really depressed, the years of being belittled, yelled at, etc. I had become so suicidal, I felt so unloved, so hopeless, I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence, I had given him my everything, my heart, my soul, my body, everything. I was left drained, I had been widdled down to nothing. I was going through a lot of mental health problems and often I would end up in the hospital because of my seizures and botched suicide attempts. There were very few times he came to visit me in the hospital and when he did it was for a very short period and school was more important to him. I understand schooling is important, but damn, it is so heartbreaking when you've tried to end your life and your boyfriend has something more important to do like hang out with his friends.
After dozens and dozens of suicide attempts, my body riddled with so many self-harm scars I was running out of room. I had finally told myself that I needed help, that there was something wrong with me, I brought myself to the psychiatric ward and for the first time, I had talked about how I felt. How worthless I felt, how depressed I was, and how suicidal I was. Nobody knew I was getting help, except for my boyfriend and my mother really, some close family knew but not the details. After seeking help I was sent to a mental health care center, it was the best thing I've ever experienced and also the worst thing I've experienced, though there is more good than bad I suppose. 
This is where I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety, and most likely Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was in this care facility for two weeks, my mum had pretty much come to visit me every other day, and never did my boyfriend come to visit me. This place was not far, it was right next to a Skytrain station and never, not once did my boyfriend come to see me. Everything was more important than his girlfriend and for once, I had put that aside and focused on me, not anyone else and it was the best thing I ever did. I had learned a lot about myself. 
Then things took a turn for the worst and my emotions were misunderstood and I was sent back to the hospital, I was wrongfully thrown into isolation and again I attempted suicide. I had almost died and if it weren't for the patients outside my cell, I would have suffocated to death. Not to mention I was mistaken for a violent schizophrenic patient, luckily I had my amazing psychiatrist who understood exactly what I was going through and helped me get out of there as soon as possible.
Rehabilitating back into society was hard and I had missed my friends so much. Now I had friends all over the world, some were in the US, we even had a friend from Spain, some were in Victoria, we had friends from all over so we usually talked on Discord (It's like Skype but for Gamers). Now I was horrified about telling my friends about my mental health because I was struggling with it every day and usually my boyfriend made me feel very ashamed about what I was going through. My boyfriend also had depression of his own and I had encouraged him to go to the doctor, all he had to do was take a pill and he would feel better, did he do what he was told? Of course not, he wouldn't talk to me, not to anybody and I knew he needed help but he just kept tucking it away. It frustrated me so much and I again would have to deal with his dark moods, his attitude, his rudeness, and his verbal abuse. I was so afraid to tell my friends what I was going through that I had taken a hiatus so to put it and my boyfriend took this opportunity to use my mental health against me. I have no idea what he told my friends at the time, and when I did talk to them, I was made fun of and bullied. I was made a fool of for having Dissociative Identity Disorder, I was told I was a dramatic and psychotic bitch for having Borderline Personality Disorder. 
I was written as the villain, my own friends had turned against me, my boyfriend had turned them against me, telling them lies about how manipulative I was, that I was abusing him. That he was the victim when he wasn't. I had lost my friends and I had believed they hated me, I was horrified to be myself around them and if I was, I was usually made fun of for it. It baffles me to this day that people you thought were your friends can be turned against you, when they don't even know the full story. All my friends turned against me, I was kicked from every Discord sever and I had never felt so alone. I had nobody to talk to and it's not like I could talk to my boyfriend.

Then came the day when I finally broke things off, I had left him for good. All he had to say was 'okay', that's it. I ran as fast as I could to get away from it all, luckily my uncle had lived close and he came to pick me up, he took me out for dinner and we talked and he made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.
Of course, I was in complete denial, there were a lot of times I tried to run back to him because I still felt like it was my fault. I remember appearing at his doorstep, begging for him to listen to me like it was some Romeo and Juliet fairytale. I wanted him to listen to me, let me pour my heart out to him and he would take me back and we could start all over again.
I have never been so wrong in my life, I was in so much denial, I thought I wanted him back, I did everything in my power to try and do so, I wanted to call him and talk our problems out. Go out for coffee and talk things over, work things out, start over again.
Then came the day when I came to the realization, the horrible and sick realization that I was in an abusive relationship. I had been trying to talk to him for a while and reconnect, again I had appeared at his doorstep, I was in tears, telling him I loved him and that everything was my fault. I was practically on my knees crying, telling him that I was the worst person in the world. He was shitfaced drunk, he could hardly stand, he told me he was in love with some girl that he had never even met in real life and that he had been in a relationship with her for a while now. Jealousy took over, was he cheating on me? I had to find out and boy was that a big mistake, his friends had again ganged up on me and told me I was a crazy criminal, I had broken into his home and taken advantage of him. That I was going to pay for my crimes and that I'm going to suffer one day for all that I've done to him. 
I have never been so crushed in my entire life and it is one of the biggest regrets in my life, never, will I ever be treated like that again. People deserve to know the truth about him and this is why I am here telling my story. Now I'm a hopeless romantic and I tried so many times to show him my love but he gave absolutely no effort and then ended up painting me as some psychotic bitch that's violent and vindictive. His friends believed I was stalking him and that I was harassing him which is completely untrue and it still baffles me that these people were once my friends, I guess they were never really my friends.
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On a happier note, I would like to tell everyone that I survived. I got out of my abusive relationship, yes, I'm still healing. But I am learning who I am again, I am learning to love myself, I'm getting my health in order, I'm getting in shape, I'm getting my confidence back. 
Now I know sometimes it's harder to step away from these situations, those who are victims of abuse are often in denial and for some reason, we keep trying to go back to our abusers thinking they'll forgive us for what we've done when in reality we never did anything wrong.
I'm telling my story because it needs to be heard, this is to spread awareness for those who have been through or are going through this. I want everyone to know that they are not alone in this world and people are going through the same thing you are and you know what, I am here if you need me my darlings. I will help as best as I can and I know it may be hard asking for help, but it will be the best decision you've ever made because there are people in this world that want to help you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONEBetter days are coming...

For so long, I have kept this a secret and it's time that everyone knows. Abusers should be held responsible for his/her actions, not the victims. There needs to be justice for victims affected by their abusers, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, etc. There NEEDS to be Justice for Victims of Abuse. Please stand with me and get those affected Justice.

Please be aware that the author has used her pen name for her own safety, thank you.