E.V. Browne's Blog

Is Dreame (a.k.a. Stary Writing, FicFun, and Stary LTD.) a Scam?

 Is Dreame (A.K.A. Stary Writing, FicFun, and Stary LTD.) a Scam?
ABSOLUTELY THEY ARE!If that doesn't already tell you to steer clear then I don't know what will.

If I still haven't convinced you, you can also read this article: https://authorchristopherdschmitz.wor...--------------------------------------------

I originally joined Dreame.com for their contest (Kiss Me or Kill Me), it was a suspense/thriller romance contest with a prize a top prize of 2500USD, now of course their site looked pretty legit but once I started communicating with an editor, red flag after red flag went up. After posting my first chapter of 'Finding Alice', I was given an editor who didn't speak good English. He did have some valid points, we only exchanged a few emails, then he never got back to me after that. After posting almost seven or so chapters, I had received a contract offer and I was quite shocked that they pay by word count and the fact that they want to pay you close to nothing for your work.
Then I decided to do some research and I soon found out that Stary LTD. also known as Dreame.com was based in Singapore, Malaysia. And that their address was in the middle of the lake might I mention. They are also known as Fic Fun, which has a bad wrap with literally every publishing company and writer known publicly. 
After doing even more research and reading horror story after horror story, article after article, I had also found out that once you agree to the contract, you never, ever get your money and they end up stealing your work and selling it for their own. Which means that they take your work, put their name on it, and publish it and make money off of you. I was completely and utterly disgusted, not to mention I was pretty pissed.
So please, for those who are on Dreame, please or using the app Stary Writing, please remove your work as soon as possible. These people are nothing but scam artists and thieves and as a writer, my worst fear is my work being stolen and profited off of without my knowledge. 
PLEASE BEWARE OF DREAME.COM(A.K.A) STARY LTD.STARY WRITINGFIC FUN
THEY ARE NOTHING BUT A SCAM!

My Story: How I Survived My Abusive Relationship

This is My Story of How I Survived My Abusive Relationship...Evelynne V. Browne

It's been almost a year now since I left my abusive relationship of four almost five years, going through years of emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is extremely degrading, draining and it leaves you damaged in so many ways and this is the first time I've really truly talked about it, but it's time that people hear my side because this person is going around telling people lies.

I first met my boyfriend in high school, it was pretty much love at first sight so to put it, he was a nerdy gamer like I was, and after gazing at each other in the hallways my best friend at the time finally encouraged me to go ask for his number. This was my first boyfriend, I thought this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He made me laugh, he made me smile, but I was horrified that if I told him about my past I would lose him forever. I had self-harm and depression issues when I was younger, I had been bullied so severely in middle school and deemed 'that girl that got raped', my life was made a living hell and it changed me forever and of course I didn't want to tell my boyfriend this. Eventually, I had built up the courage to tell him and he was a great listener at first, I told him that's why I was very hesitant about things and that I was kind of scared of being loved. He was very comforting and promised me something like that would never happen again and that he would protect me if I ever was in any danger.

While attending high school I had gotten very sick, my appendix had perforated and I had developed blood poisoning. I had to be rushed to surgery but my appendix had ruptured so badly and the head surgeon had tried as best he could to get rid of all the substance that was in my appendix, it had basically poisoned me. To this day it is hard for me to talk about this because I almost died, sepsis is a very serious thing, I developed Jaundice, my eyes turned yellow, my skin turned yellow and I had swelled up so badly I was huge, I couldn't even bend my fingers. I was horrified for my life and at one point they were unable to give me medicine, I was so dehydrated and they had to immediately administer a PICC line (A catheter that is inserted in the arm and carries medicine directly to the heart). It had saved my life, if they hadn't got those antibiotics and medicine to my heart I would have died and I have never been so horrified for my life.

To this day, I will not believe the fact that the night before, when I was very sick and my family had been told I might not make it, that I may not survive this and they might have to say their goodbyes. My boyfriend had the audacity to bring out his gaming laptop and claim to do his homework but actually play videogames. My uncle who was with me along with other family was enraged at the fact he did this, even my nurses were shocked and lost for words.

After getting home from the hospital, I was pretty much bedridden for a month, I don't really remember him coming to see me but then again he was very busy juggling college and high school (He was supposedly taking college courses and doing Highschool at the same time). Eventually, I had gone back to school and after a while, I had managed to graduate after slamming through my courses.

Now there was a point where my boyfriend and I had lived together, his grandparents who were away traveling (They had a home in Arizona I believe), well they were kind enough to let us live in their condo, while my boyfriend worked at a computer place. It was really nice and we wanted to practice living together for the future because eventually, we wanted to live together. Now because I was still recovering and I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wasn't ready to get a job so usually I would stay and clean, make dinner for him every night, I was practically a housewife and to be honest I really loved it. During this time I was having these episodes (Later diagnosed as seizures) where I would pass out for periods of time and wake up later, now at the time I didn't know these were seizures, I had been diagnosed with a fainting disorder called Syncope, I had also been diagnosed with Severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which didn't help. Now he would work from morning till it was dark out, I felt bad for him because he didn't see the light of day until the weekends, he was very depressed and he hated his job but never did it fail, he would come home and complain that I did nothing. That dinner was good but it wasn't his favorite, or that I should have cooked dinner later so it didn't sit in the oven to keep warm, that I should have done his laundry and cleaned this and that, of course, he thought I did nothing even though I had spent the whole day cleaning. This made me feel so horrible, he would never tell me about his day, sometimes he wouldn't even eat dinner with me at all, he would just go and play videogames and socialize with his friends instead of spending time with me. I felt like the worst person in the world, I felt like the worst girlfriend and I blamed myself. I often wondered throughout my whole relationship what I did wrong.

Eventually, he had stopped going to work without calling in, so he ended up getting fired even though he told me he had quit. When he had lost his job he was much happier, but still, he would spend his days playing videogames while I was baking, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our birds at the time. (We had too adorable budgies), I had cleaned their cage, trained them, and took care of them and he did none of this, videogames were always more important. He would guilt trip me and make me feel bad for not doing something and then I'd do it for him anyway. I was so tired, exhausted, and depressed, my own boyfriend would hardly spend time with me, he was always in his room playing videogames and the only time I really got to spend time with him was when we had Lan parties. Our friends would come over from the island and we would drink and have fun, oh it was a blast and I miss those fun memories, but even now that I think back, I remember how many times I was left alone, my boyfriend would get drunk and out of hand and I would have to end up taking care of him. I remember he got so wasted he got alcohol poisoning, he had vomited everywhere and insisted on sleeping on the floor. Now when we had these get-togethers, I was never really allowed to get drunk and have fun because I took care of everyone, though we did have some friends who didn't drink and helped me take care of those drunkards. 

Talin, if you read this mate, you are awesome and I want to thank you for checking up on me all those times. (Sorry if I spelled your name wrong)

I also want to thank Robert, I love you man and you were always like a brother to me, we went to school together and you helped me take care of everyone, good thing you had those paramedic skills though lol

I would also like to thank Eddie, you were the only one that really believed me when everyone turned against me and I really appreciate that man. You're an awesome dude and I hope you're doing alright.

After these parties, the mess was catastrophic, you gotta think, we had seven or eight people over, usually, I was the only girl. Usually, everyone would leave and I was left to clean up the mess, now my boyfriend usually didn't help, he would just go back into his room and play videogames. Not to mention that this boy was a slob, he would have dozens of coke cans and wrappers piling up on his desk and if I were to clean up his desk to be nice and show my love, the boy would throw a fit, he would yell at me and tell me never to touch his stuff again. I would get screamed at if I were to move his keyboard or touch his desk whatsoever, I wasn't even permitted to sit in his chair half the time because I knew I would get yelled at.

Now let's skip ahead to when he was living with his roommate, this is when he was attending Vancouver Film School, (VFS) and so was his roommate at the time. Now, this is when my episodes, we'll call them because I still didn't know they were seizures. This is when they were really bad, now I would spend a lot of time at his place because it was really the only time I could see him and he lived quite a commute away. I had really bad insomnia and when I did sleep, I would sleepwalk, he was nice enough to take care of me sometimes but when I would have these seizures (Called Syncope at the time), he would just leave me on the floor to fend for myself. I would have these seizures over a dozen times a day and would often wake up alone, his roommate would find me on the floor and of course, he had no idea what was going on because my boyfriend hardly talked to him. I would wake up from these seizures so disoriented and where would my boyfriend be? Right back at his desk playing videogames.

I had tried to break up with him a few times but no matter what he would always reel me back in, saying that it was my fault and it wasn't fair for me to leave him like that. That it was my fault I didn't communicate, that he needs to focus on himself because he has a life too. I was often belittled and pushed aside when it came to my hobbies and aspirations in life, he was no very supportive of my artistic abilities and often tossed my paintings aside and threw his stuff on top of them. He didn't care about my writing and even when I offered to let him read my manuscript, he told me he would never read that kind of crap and that writers were going to be replaced one day by robots so who gives a shit.

This is where things began to get really bad, he had been living with his roommate, which this little basement suite was being paid for by his grandparents, he wasn't even attending school and often lied to be about attending school, he was lying to everyone. Videogames were more important than everything even his schooling and the written projects he did, I wrote them for him because I was supposedly better at writing. Now my boyfriend had already gone through several different computer programming courses and failed a majority of them because he didn't do the bloody work and he would get so stressed and angry, he would project that onto me and I felt awful. I felt like was to blame and no matter how much I tried to help him, he still made me feel like crap. 

Now to deal with his stress, my boyfriend often smoked Marijuana with the highest THC level he could get, now I only smoked CBD because THC made me all loopy and I didn't like it. (CBD helps with my seizures, my pain, etc.)  He would smoke it all the time and it would leave him so numbed up and dumbed up that it was impossible to have a logical conversation with him. Now he smoked weed to escape from his stresses and anxieties instead of dealing with them and it frustrated me because his stresses and anxiety were all because of him, and he could have easily fixed these things if he had just put the effort in. I remember when I would stay at his grandparents while they were here and he would secretly smoke in the bathroom and supposedly they had no idea, he was stoned all the time and I hated it. He even started smoking cigarettes at one point because he couldn't deal with the stress.

After not so long living with his roommate, they had a fight and his roommate ended up moving out. The boy was a slob and he always ate out instead of cooking, he never did any chores and usually, I ended up cleaning the kitchen when I was there and then his roommate would leave and things wouldn't get cleaned up. So again, I was cleaning up after two teenagers (Well one was a teenager, my boyfriend was technically an adult and he's about a year older than me), two slobby boys, I would do the dishes, I would cook for me and my boyfriend and because I was too tired to cook most of the time, we would order in and boy did we do that a lot. I had gained a lot of weight because we would always order fast food and boy did my boyfriend make me feel horrible for that too.

Almost every time he would get a snack, he wouldn't share because I didn't need the food, he would tell me I don't need the food because I could lose some weight anyway. I had never felt so ugly in my life, my own boyfriend thought I was fat and he would ridicule me for eating, whether it was a bowl of chips or a granola bar. I was ridiculed about how I looked all the time and my self-confidence, my self-esteem was destroyed and I often self-harmed because I didn't feel wanted or loved.

My boyfriend often lived with his grandparents because his father was an alcoholic and he was always going through multiple wives to put it nicely. Usually, it was very stressful when my boyfriend lived with his dad because he pretty much had to take care of his drunken father and usually he wouldn't so I had to deal with it. We'd have to cook for his father, clean, get groceries, and usually, my boyfriend was sent to the liquor store to pick up beer for his dad.

Now let's talk about my boyfriend's grandparents, I loved his grandparents because they were incredibly sweet to me and loving. They were always there to give my boyfriend money if he needed it, they would help us buy groceries and even bought me groceries when my mum and I were going through tough times. Now I honestly thought of my boyfriend's grandparents as family, his grandma was like a second grandma to me, and she taught me how to bake, how to sew, she taught me a lot of things and she was always worried about my health.

My boyfriend, he was horrible, he disliked his grandparents and often said that he didn't love his family, I couldn't believe this, his grandparents helped him through anything and if he needed anything; they would go out on a limb and help him. He was so rude to his grandparents and I just couldn't believe it, I could never disrespect my family like that.

I had gotten really depressed, the years of being belittled, yelled at, etc. I had become so suicidal, I felt so unloved, so hopeless, I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence, I had given him my everything, my heart, my soul, my body, everything. I was left drained, I had been widdled down to nothing. I was going through a lot of mental health problems and often I would end up in the hospital because of my seizures and botched suicide attempts. There were very few times he came to visit me in the hospital and when he did it was for a very short period and school was more important to him. I understand schooling is important, but damn, it is so heartbreaking when you've tried to end your life and your boyfriend has something more important to do like hang out with his friends.
After dozens and dozens of suicide attempts, my body riddled with so many self-harm scars I was running out of room. I had finally told myself that I needed help, that there was something wrong with me, I brought myself to the psychiatric ward and for the first time, I had talked about how I felt. How worthless I felt, how depressed I was, and how suicidal I was. Nobody knew I was getting help, except for my boyfriend and my mother really, some close family knew but not the details. After seeking help I was sent to a mental health care center, it was the best thing I've ever experienced and also the worst thing I've experienced, though there is more good than bad I suppose. 
This is where I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, depression and anxiety, and most likely Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was in this care facility for two weeks, my mum had pretty much come to visit me every other day, and never did my boyfriend come to visit me. This place was not far, it was right next to a Skytrain station and never, not once did my boyfriend come to see me. Everything was more important than his girlfriend and for once, I had put that aside and focused on me, not anyone else and it was the best thing I ever did. I had learned a lot about myself. 
Then things took a turn for the worst and my emotions were misunderstood and I was sent back to the hospital, I was wrongfully thrown into isolation and again I attempted suicide. I had almost died and if it weren't for the patients outside my cell, I would have suffocated to death. Not to mention I was mistaken for a violent schizophrenic patient, luckily I had my amazing psychiatrist who understood exactly what I was going through and helped me get out of there as soon as possible.
Rehabilitating back into society was hard and I had missed my friends so much. Now I had friends all over the world, some were in the US, we even had a friend from Spain, some were in Victoria, we had friends from all over so we usually talked on Discord (It's like Skype but for Gamers). Now I was horrified about telling my friends about my mental health because I was struggling with it every day and usually my boyfriend made me feel very ashamed about what I was going through. My boyfriend also had depression of his own and I had encouraged him to go to the doctor, all he had to do was take a pill and he would feel better, did he do what he was told? Of course not, he wouldn't talk to me, not to anybody and I knew he needed help but he just kept tucking it away. It frustrated me so much and I again would have to deal with his dark moods, his attitude, his rudeness, and his verbal abuse. I was so afraid to tell my friends what I was going through that I had taken a hiatus so to put it and my boyfriend took this opportunity to use my mental health against me. I have no idea what he told my friends at the time, and when I did talk to them, I was made fun of and bullied. I was made a fool of for having Dissociative Identity Disorder, I was told I was a dramatic and psychotic bitch for having Borderline Personality Disorder. 
I was written as the villain, my own friends had turned against me, my boyfriend had turned them against me, telling them lies about how manipulative I was, that I was abusing him. That he was the victim when he wasn't. I had lost my friends and I had believed they hated me, I was horrified to be myself around them and if I was, I was usually made fun of for it. It baffles me to this day that people you thought were your friends can be turned against you, when they don't even know the full story. All my friends turned against me, I was kicked from every Discord sever and I had never felt so alone. I had nobody to talk to and it's not like I could talk to my boyfriend.

Then came the day when I finally broke things off, I had left him for good. All he had to say was 'okay', that's it. I ran as fast as I could to get away from it all, luckily my uncle had lived close and he came to pick me up, he took me out for dinner and we talked and he made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.
Of course, I was in complete denial, there were a lot of times I tried to run back to him because I still felt like it was my fault. I remember appearing at his doorstep, begging for him to listen to me like it was some Romeo and Juliet fairytale. I wanted him to listen to me, let me pour my heart out to him and he would take me back and we could start all over again.
I have never been so wrong in my life, I was in so much denial, I thought I wanted him back, I did everything in my power to try and do so, I wanted to call him and talk our problems out. Go out for coffee and talk things over, work things out, start over again.
Then came the day when I came to the realization, the horrible and sick realization that I was in an abusive relationship. I had been trying to talk to him for a while and reconnect, again I had appeared at his doorstep, I was in tears, telling him I loved him and that everything was my fault. I was practically on my knees crying, telling him that I was the worst person in the world. He was shitfaced drunk, he could hardly stand, he told me he was in love with some girl that he had never even met in real life and that he had been in a relationship with her for a while now. Jealousy took over, was he cheating on me? I had to find out and boy was that a big mistake, his friends had again ganged up on me and told me I was a crazy criminal, I had broken into his home and taken advantage of him. That I was going to pay for my crimes and that I'm going to suffer one day for all that I've done to him. 
I have never been so crushed in my entire life and it is one of the biggest regrets in my life, never, will I ever be treated like that again. People deserve to know the truth about him and this is why I am here telling my story. Now I'm a hopeless romantic and I tried so many times to show him my love but he gave absolutely no effort and then ended up painting me as some psychotic bitch that's violent and vindictive. His friends believed I was stalking him and that I was harassing him which is completely untrue and it still baffles me that these people were once my friends, I guess they were never really my friends.
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On a happier note, I would like to tell everyone that I survived. I got out of my abusive relationship, yes, I'm still healing. But I am learning who I am again, I am learning to love myself, I'm getting my health in order, I'm getting in shape, I'm getting my confidence back. 
Now I know sometimes it's harder to step away from these situations, those who are victims of abuse are often in denial and for some reason, we keep trying to go back to our abusers thinking they'll forgive us for what we've done when in reality we never did anything wrong.
I'm telling my story because it needs to be heard, this is to spread awareness for those who have been through or are going through this. I want everyone to know that they are not alone in this world and people are going through the same thing you are and you know what, I am here if you need me my darlings. I will help as best as I can and I know it may be hard asking for help, but it will be the best decision you've ever made because there are people in this world that want to help you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONEBetter days are coming...

For so long, I have kept this a secret and it's time that everyone knows. Abusers should be held responsible for his/her actions, not the victims. There needs to be justice for victims affected by their abusers, whether it's physical, emotional, psychological, etc. There NEEDS to be Justice for Victims of Abuse. Please stand with me and get those affected Justice.

Please be aware that the author has used her pen name for her own safety, thank you.

Prepping for National Writing Month, dealing with the Pandemic and trying to stay sane

Well it's been quite a while since I posted, I haven't posted since June which is awful and I want to apologize, I have been so incredibly busy, I've been packing and waiting and waiting to get into an apartment and I've been quite busy with the writing. 

I recently released a new Novella named 'The Typist - The Beautiful mind of Orbelle Foley'.

The Typist - The Beautiful Mind of Orbelle Foley

In other news, I have been super busy writing and just trying to stay sane in this pandemic. It's quite hard when you have depression and staying in the house for long periods of time can be hard but I just hope that better days are to come. I have been juggling projects here and there and it can be quite difficult to stick to one project at a time, it's like hmmm I want to work on this story today and then you get writer's block on that project and you move on to another until you get writer's block on that project and then there are projects that collect dust for months on end. It's all a process and it all takes time and sometimes us writers just have to go with the flow and be patient. Currently, as of this moment, I am working on a Romantic Suspense Thriller story for a contest, I very much want to branch out my writing and I try to enter as many contests and awards as I can but I haven't had much luck lately.
I would give you a link but as of right now the link's to the dreame website are a little finicky. I will try my best to provide some links that will work but you can also just search 'Finding Alice'.
https://www.dreame.com/user/myWorkhtt...
As the deadline is in January of next year I will most likely be working on this project for National Writing Month. I very much want to go to a write-in but with the pandemic and all I know it wouldn't be safe and even just sitting at a coffee shop and writing is a bit of a struggle. Wherever you go, please wear a proper mask, please wash your hands, and sanitize after you touch something.
I'm also officially on Facebook and Twitter, I have a writing group in case any of my fellow writers would like to join. 

The Writing Den
E.V. Browne Page
Twitter

As always I wish you all the best and I hope you all are staying safe out there during these strange times, please, please, be careful out there and take care of yourselves. If you're bored and at home and you have Kindle Unlimited, you can read both my novels on Amazon for FREE! I will provide the links below my darlings and I hope you all have a wonderful day my lovelies.
The Art of Seduction
The Typist - The Beautiful Mind of Orbelle Foley

Prep for Camp NaNoWriMo (July)

How does one prepare for Camp NaNoWriMo? Well, everyone is different, but this is how I prepare for Camp NaNoWriMo. I take Camp NaNo very seriously and I pretty much tell my entire family I'm going off the grid for like a month (not actually off the grid), I tell them I will be in my room for a whole month and I am not to be disturbed unless it is a dire emergency, no ands, ifs, or buts, if someone stubs their toe, can't do anything about it, if someone has had a limb severed, then you may disturb me, but other than that, no disturbances!

Designated Writing Space
The reason I take my writing and Camp NaNoWriMo very seriously is that I can get distracted very easily and nothing, I repeat nothing is to disturb a writer's creative flow unless it is important. I mean, come on, 'The Shining' is a perfect representation not to disturb a writer. Another very important thing is to make sure you have a designated writing space, whether it be a desk or a cozy sunroom, you need to pick a place and I find that if you don't have a designated space, your flow of creative ideas can get scattered or lost and that is not something we want. 
Usually, my desk is pretty cluttered and messy, but I always make sure I have a mug of writing utensils in case I have an idea in the spur of the moment. My handy dandy notebook, multiple chopsticks because dry lips are not gonna happen on my watch, something to drink, and sometimes the occasional snack. Now usually when I'm going to be writing for a straight month, I declutter my desk completely so that only the necessities remain, so go do that now and then come back okay, don't worry I'll wait for you.

Okay, so now that your desk is spick and span, at least somewhat, make sure you have a comfy chair because your butt is going to be there for a while. Probably should have told you that before but do make sure you're at comfortable, we don't want to be worried about our little bottoms hurting halfway through a writing session.
What am I going to write about?
Yes, I loath this every time NaNo is upon is, what the hell am I going to write? Should I start a new project and add to the endless list of things I need to finish or work on a project I have yet to finish, should I work on that book I wrote several years ago?????
Now, this is a genius idea that I originally got from my mother, the dartboard solution.


Never did I believe I would use an always sunny reference but hey, it was the only gif I could find. Now if you have a dartboard that's great, but if you don't, grab a bunch of sticky notes and write all your writing projects onto each one, tape them to the wall, have someone blindfold you and take a thumbtack and boom! It's like pin the tail on the donkey but with writing ideas. Now whatever you pin with that thumbtacks! You work on it, even if it is going to be a challenge for you, so no takesies backsies okay.

What if I get writer's block?

Yep, it happens to us all, the dreaded writer's block, one of the worst things about being a writer is the block, the hundred-foot indestructible wall that towers over us and blocks all the creative flow and sometimes it can be quite a climb to get over that wall. Now writer's block can come and go but sometimes it can stick around for longer than wanted, how do I defeat writer's block?
Well, a lot of things can work and a lot of things can't. Usually I will create a musical playlist specifically for the project I am working on, that can help a bunch. Music is very inspiring to me and it usually helps my creative flow. But let me tell you something, writer's block is usually created by one's self-doubts, "Oh, that's not a good enough idea!", or "No, nobody would want to read that", put those self-doubts aside and kick them into the bin and burn them. Another thing I find that helps is taking some much-needed breaks.

Take a break? Did this girl just say take a break?

Yes, I'll say it now and I'll say it again, we can't always force ourselves to write, sometimes we need breaks, whether that be going for walks or simply just taking some time out of the day for some self-care. I find taking a shower can help, or putting on a relaxing face mask, even going for a walk to the local convenience store, it's a way to clear your mind.

I know writer's block can feel like this, sometimes you just want to throw your typewriter or laptop across the room because you feel like you'll never be able to write again. Believe me, I know the feeling, but everyone is different and sometimes you find the strangest of solutions, but do make sure it is not an unhealthy one.

Make sure you have a plan.


Having a plan is very important, now usually I plan ahead in June but as of right now I kind of left everything till the last day, so I wouldn't recommend doing that. Now I don't go too overboard with my plans, usually, I just make sure that my schedule is completely open all through the month but then again some things can't be helped. My birthday is in July and I even skip that because of how much NaNoWriMo means to me, besides I don't really like celebrating my birthday all that much. Usually, I just order out and treat myself just a little bit, sometimes a lot but that's okay. Alright so back on track, when it comes to planning, you should already have an outline set, whether it's a new project or an old project, brainstorming is a very good way to come up with ideas because it can be really hard going into a story with a blank slate but hey, some writers do that.

Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.

Oh my god! Is that a giraffe with purple spots! NO! See, I tricked you, didn't I?
Now as I said before and I'll say it again, make whomever you live with and your family aware of where you'll be for the next month or so. Don't just go up and disappear because that would be bad and I don't want to be responsible for that, anyway... If you get as distracted as I do, we're going to have a bit of a problem but fear not, I shall give you some personal tips.
I'm sure we've all fell down the black hole of YouTube or ended up wasting their days away playing videogames, it's okay, we've all done it and some of us are prouder than others. Now when it comes to distractions, I try not to get too distracted, though I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to watch a few YouTube videos here and there, just don't spend hours doing it, everything into consideration people! If you're going to play videogames, play a match or two and then get back to work. Sometimes if I get too frustrated with my writing, I'll take an entire day off or sometimes even a few hours just so I can have a clear mind when I get back to it.

If you don't get the gif above, just stop reading and go somewhere else, please. Back onto the subject again! Now, I'm pretty sure I have covered everything and if not I do apologize, I'm quite scatterbrained today, concerned about moving and whatnot.
Please make sure you put in your word counts every day to keep on track! I'll even recommend some writing programs for all my fellow writers out there that have helped me.
Scrivener

Scrivener is like the best writing program I have ever come across, it basically puts all your notes and things in a binder and you can access them. It's amazing because it keeps everything so well organized and you can easily access your notes by having a split-screen. It's also wonderful for distractions because they have a fullscreen mode.
WriteTrack

WriteTrack is a tool for tracking your word progress, whether it's a personal goal or you're participating in NaNoWriMo, it's a great tool and I would highly recommend using it.
Spotify

Spotify is if not the best music streaming service I have ever used in my entire life. I love it so much and to be honest, it's a program I cannot live without. It's perfect for creating music playlists for your writing and you can find all your favorite artists on there.

Well, I hope this information helped you in some kind of way. I want to wish all of my fellow writer's good luck during this Camp NaNoWriMo, I hope all of you reach your goal or reach it at least somewhat. Please if you have any questions feel free to send me a message on any of my social media platforms, whether it be Instagram or NaNoWriMo.


Goodbye, for now, my lovelies, see you all in a month I guess <3
~Evelynne

Update + Novel Release!

It's been quite a while since I last posted, I've been very busy with author things and making sure my novel is spick and span, so I believe it is time to update you all and tell you how everything is going. The last blog post was about Covid-19, now that everything has calmed down a bit and we're now in phase three here in British Columbia, Canada. Things are slowly opening up where I live and to be honest, my anxiety was horrible in the beginning but now, well you have to adapt and get used to the 'new normal', which can be difficult. Though I am dying to go and sit in a coffee shop and write, it's been very hard being cooped up at home and going out can be quite a hassle since everyone is still kind of in panic mode around here and I'm sure it's like that all over the world.
Now enough rambling on about the pandemic, though it is a serious subject and I very much hope if you're sick you stay home and for those who aren't, to keep your distance from others and wash your hands. I'm pretty done with pandemic and I hope and hope that we can recover from this because the human race has lost their shit lately, I'm also not here to talk politics either but the news has been tough to watch lately.
On to my personal update, I am in the middle of packing/moving, one of my cats just had surgery so she is resting and healing up well. My room is a mess and this is the first time living on my own officially so I'm so excited but also stress, more excited though. I was originally supposed to move out of my mum's place but then pandemic happened so it was postponed for quite a while.
Though I do not have an official moving day set yet, I'm quite excited to live on my own, finally, I will be able to paint again because right now I live in a small room and I don't have much space to do anything but sit at a desk all day. Thinking about the walls I have to paint and I can't wait to finally hang up my posters and such, I will have a space of my own. I will miss my mum dearly but luckily we're in the same complex which is pretty funny.

Now on to book news!
I am very excited to announce that my novel 'The Art of Seduction' is officially available for purchase on Amazon. You can get an ebook on Amazon Kindle or order a paperback copy. It has been a lifelong dream of mine to be an author and finish a book and have it published and after many years of struggling with getting published, I finally decided I would self-publish, it was also a cheaper option because I don't work and don't have a lot of income so it's quite difficult because I live from cheque to cheque.
Ebook is on sale! (Only 2.99)

Paperback

Free with Kindle Unlimited!

I still have to pinch myself sometimes because I just still can't believe it's real. Though I know popularity does not happen overnight and it all takes time. On August 13th, my book will officially be globally distributed to book stores, libraries, schools, etc. Though I have to be patient, which can be quite difficult but it all takes time. 
So please, feel free to give any criticism or feedback, it is much appreciated and very much welcomed. Feel free to leave a review as well. I love you all so much and I hope you're all staying safe out there, please keep safe during these difficult times. 
And on a final note, this July is Camp NaNoWriMo! So I'm super excited and thrilled about that, though I'm unsure which project I should work on. Currently, I am working on a collection of short stories that will eventually be released though I'm not sure when that will be completed. July 16th is also my birthday and I'm not sure if I'll be moving next month either, it's kind of up in the air as of right now. 
I hope to be posting more frequently on my blog, hopefully I will get around to posting about Camp NaNoWriMo and perhaps I will give you all some tips on how I prepare and such. I take NaNoWriMo very seriously and my family knows that I'll explain more later and I love you all. Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day my darlings and lovelies.

~ Evelynne

Everyone needs to Calm the F**k down!

Now I'm sure all of you have heard quite a lot about the Coronavirus or COVID-19, but the reason why this is blown up so badly is that everyone is in a state of panic. Everyone believes this is going to be the end of the world and we're all going to die! It's going to be the end of the world if we humans can't get our shit together.


We all need to calm down and take in what's going on. Yes, Corona is a form of the flu we have yet to see, but that is all it is, it's the flu! The only ones who are at risk are those who already have underlying health conditions, those who have compromised immune systems. This means our elderly are at risk and so are our infants because they are not strong enough to fight off these viruses.

This means that because we don't have a vaccine yet, it's best if your sick to stay inside and wait for all of this to blow over. But for those who are trying to survive during this dumb pandemic, please stop hoarding food and toilet paper. It really infuriated me when I went grocery shopping and there was literally no food to buy because everyone had been hoarding canned goods, rice, pasta, onions, and garlic like it was insane and I felt horrible for the stockers.


All while everyone is freaking out over the simple flu, everything is being shut down, airports are being shut down, concerts are being canceled and schools are being shut down. What angers me the most is that children rely on their lunches at school, some kids can't afford to bring lunch to school and without their meals, they go hungry. This is not fair in the slightest. This is all because of unnecessary panic, we all seem to be defending for ourselves when we should be helping others. We can't stay in our homes forever, it's just ridiculous.

For those who are sick, please stay home and get well soon and hope you all well. For those who are sick and going out, please don't be an idiot, I understand you have to do your daily things but come on, stay home and don't put other's health in jeopardy.

And for those who aren't sick and hoarding toilet paper, I hope you choke on your toilet paper.


For those who aren't sick and worried about getting sick, wash your damn hands please, if you have a compromised immune system wear a mask or just have some common sense and not wipe your snot all over your hands and touch everything. Wash your damn hands!


For those wearing hazmat suits because you're worried about getting sick, you're going just a tad bit overboard, you can only get this if someone sneezes into your mouth or like picks their nose and puts their booger in your mouth. You can also get sick if some dumb person wiped their dirty noggin and touched everything in their midst then you touch your face, well that's just trouble.

Just wash your damn hands, please!

I know this is a rather short one but please be smart about this, we need to calm down and be smart, think things through and not hoard toilet paper. Reach out and help others who need it. I apologize for this being such a short blog post but I've been feeling a little under the weather myself, my allergies are kicking my butt right now and my Fibromyalgia is also kicking my butt.

So, until next time my lovelies, be safe and be healthy <3

Struggling with Fibromalygia

So, it's been just about two weeks since I last posted, you can read my last post Tips for Staying Creative. For those who don't know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia just about two years or so ago, it is hereditary and it runs in my family but was kicked in to overdrive from almost dying so yeah. So, for those who don't know what this disease is, allow me to explain.

Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals.


Now I've been to many specialists over the years and after struggling with this since 2016 of October, they presume that when my appendix perforated and I got sepsis, my body was in such a shock that it triggered my Fibromyalgia into overdrive. Allow me to fill you in on the most horrifying time in my life.

Basically little old me was sitting at my desk one day and throughout the night I had this horrible abdominal pain which I just assumed was a stomach ache or period pain. Eventually by about two in the morning I was ready to smash my head into a wall because the pain was so severe. I was taken to the hospital and after twenty-two hours they found out my appendix had burst a few days ago but they weren't too sure, I was immediately scheduled for surgery.

After my surgery because my appendix had pretty much exploded inside of me, whatever goo or gunk was inside got all over my organs and seeped into my blood and ended up poisoning me. I ended up developing jaundice so my eyes and skin turned yellow, my liver and kidneys were shutting down and to be honest I thought I was going to die. They ended up giving me a PICC line and gave me the strongest antibiotics they could get their hands on and if that didn't work I would have to be transferred to the ICU at Vancouver General or something along the lines of that.

(A PICC line is a thin, soft, long catheter (tube) that is inserted into a vein in your child's arm, leg or neck. The tip of the catheter is positioned in a large vein that carries blood into the heart. The PICC line is used for long-term intravenous (IV) antibiotics, nutrition or medications, and for blood draws.)

My memory isn't the best because I was very drugged and very sick so please bare with me. Basically whatever concoction they gave me ended up working and I recovered, or so I thought. I was in the hospital for a week and a half and when I went home I was bed ridden for months and just kept getting sicker. My health deteriorated rapidly to the point where I could no longer walk, at one point I was in a wheelchair and a majority of the time I used a cane to help me walk because my legs didn't want to work. The hospital didn't understand and often kicked me out and I was having seizures as well so that didn't help.

My whole family has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia so my mum had me referred to her specialist, all of her specialists, including rheumatologists, endocrinologists, etc.

If it weren't for my specialists I would be as healthy as I am today.



So basically here is a list of all the health problems I have including mental health which I will make a post on that later. (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Seizure Disorder [Non-epileptic] PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, DID, OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Major Depression Disorder, polycystic ovarian syndrome and all the other wonderful things that come along with Fibromyalgia)

What a wonderful list am I right? Now I won't delve too much into mental health but I will definitely touch on it later because I struggle with it daily and I'm sure a lot of people can relate.


When you have Fibromyalgia, it's an abundance of a lot of feelings, mostly widespread pain but everyone is different. My Fibromyalgia is different from my mum's and my nanny's, but my mum has also had Fibromyalgia for like ten times longer as I have (Fifteen years I believe), so my mum has a lot more experience than I do but our symptoms can differ.

Now pain can be pretty severe most days to the point where I don't ever want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat because my nausea is so bad and I don't want to move because of my joints and how stiff they are and my skin is so sensitive I don't want anything to touch me.

The one thing I have found that eliminates a lot of my symptoms is CBD oil, say it with me... CBD OIL!!!! If I didn't take this stuff I would have multiple seizures a day when if I take my oil I only have a seizure maybe once every few weeks. Cannabis oil is amazing and it does wonders and I'm sure there is a lot of people out there that would disagree with me, but to be perfectly honest with you, my whole family uses it and it does nothing but help them.

Now I don't take THC based oils but sometimes a mixture of CBD/THC can be a good combo. I usually take it in oil form and put it in little gelatin capsules because usually the oil doesn't taste too good. Taking it in oil form is a lot better than smoking it, oil lasts a lot longer than smoking a joint because you're really only high for a few hours and believe me I've smoked a lot of weed, not THC stuff because I'm actually really sensitive to it, so if I were to smoke it I would usually go for a higher CBD ratio with a lower THC level.

I'm no doctor when it comes to Marijuana but I have seen a licensed doctor that actually specializes in this stuff which is how I get my prescriptions and stuff. Another thing that sucks is Cannabis oil can be rather expensive and as a young woman on disability, I can hardly afford it half the time.



If you are interested in using CBD oil to manage pain or anxiety, please do your research and consult a proper doctor.

Alright, stoner jokes aside, struggling with Fibromyalgia can be hard, depression is a big one and it lingers behind you all the time, like you're constantly dragging it with you everywhere you go. When you have Fibro, it feels like you can't do anything, that you're useless and you'll never accomplish anything. That is not true!

Do not think this way because you'll only dig the hole deeper, I'll say it now and I'll say it again.

SLEEPEATMEDICATEEXERCISE
You need proper sleep to function, you need to eat all those healthy foods because food is fuel and you need to take your medication if you take meds because it helps your brain my dude. Now I know a lot of you out there are not fond of being active, especially when you're in as much pain as I am on a daily basis. But I'll let you in on a little secret, if I didn't exercise, I wouldn't be able to move. Exercising and stretching on a daily basis or a few times a week helps your body in the most helpful of ways and it's extremely beneficial. Our bodies were made to be active and when you have Fibro, you don't want to move and as much as its going to hurt the first few times it's worth it in the long run and you will thank yourself immensely.


Stretching daily and exercising my core on a weekly basis has helped my muscles and joints feel better, I'm not as stiff and I've lost a lot of weight, considering my heaviest was 310lbs. The last time I weighed myself I was 215lbs, so overall I've lost 90+ pounds and I'm still losing weight. I've cut out almost all junk food but do tend to go overboard on my lady time, I've cut out pop completely and have a soda stream and if I do ever eat out I have subway or sushi. I don't eat red meat, only fish really and mostly chicken and I always have vegetables and fruit because they are hella delicious compared to kfc and shit. I also am lactose intolerant so I don't eat cheese or dairy. Dairy is really bad for you anyways and I'm more of a soy and almond girl, I like my nut juice okay.


So really, all I eat is vegetables and fruit, chicken, and vegan substitutions when I can afford it. Though occasionally I do treat myself but if I ever do want a treat like chocolate chip cookies or I'm dying for a lemon loaf, I make it myself because I know what I'm putting in my food and I know it's not going to be filled with a bunch of preservatives and crappy chemicals.

Now I have a horrible sweet tooth, I love sugar but after changing my diet, processed food tastes horrible and it makes me feel awful, which is why I usually go for my dairy free substitutes, like coconut whipped cream and fruit, oh my golly it is the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. Yes I would rather a slice of chocolate cake but to be honest, the cake would make me feel like crap, my stomach would hurt then I would get dumping syndrome from all the sugar. So really, the fruit and whipped cream is a much better and healthier option.



But you also have to be really careful when it comes to dairy free options because a lot of products love to lie to you, sometimes it can be really frustrating when you can't eat at a restaurant because everything is drenched in cheese and butter and MSG.


Now I know you're probably thinking, oh this stranger is telling me to go on a diet! NO! Dieting in the sense of 'Oh I just won't eat anything', that is the worst possible way to lose weight, believe me I know. Starving yourself only deprives your body and it goes into starvation mode and whatever you ate last, your body turns into fat because it's going into apocalypse mode. Dieting is a horrible word, being healthy is more of a lifestyle, not just something you do for a few weeks. Dieting is not healthy and it can include taking pills and not eating proper food and your body needs fuel. So what do we not do? Diet because it is what? Bad!



I'll mention again I'm no doctor, I'm not a nutritionist but this is just my experience and my struggles with Fibromyalgia and my weight and all of that. It works for me and it might work for you. I'd love to know how you feel on the subject, do you struggle with Fibromyalgia too?


I hope I went over everything, again I do apologize for not posting, haven't been feeling well lately and depression has been getting the best of me. I'm proud of myself that I finally got around to doing this post and I hope all of you enjoy it and hopefully it helps some of you out there.




Thank you for reading, feel free to comment and subscribe to my blog <3
Until next time my lovelies <3



Sources: 
Google
https://www.verywellhealth.com/fibromyalgia-symptoms-716139
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354780
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/yo-yo-dieting

Tips for Staying Creative

I'm sure we've all struggled with artists block, whether it be writers block or you feel as though you've run out of ideas. Sometimes this retched feeling can last for days, weeks, sometimes even months and it feels like it will never go away.

Staying creative can be difficult especially when you have a dry spell, though a majority of the time artists block is just self-doubt. Nobody would like this... Nobody will read that... What's the point of even doing this?


When it comes to staying creative! Never doubt anything! You have no boundaries, you can write, draw or paint whatever you want! The sky is your limit, no, nothing is your limit, do whatever you heart and soul desires!

Now that we've got that out of the way, allow me to introduce tips on how I stay creative and maybe it will help you too <3

1.) Brainstorm
Brainstorming has always helped me get out of tough times, I usually use this technique when writing, if I'm having a hard time figuring out what I should do next in a story, I brainstorm, I write a list of possibilities of what could happen in the story and it really helps.


2.) Carry a Notebook with you EVERYWHERE!
Now this may sound strange to some people but this really helps, I always carry multiple notebooks with me to jot down my ideas, whenever an idea strikes you, wherever you may be, always write it down! This could save your ass when you least expect it.
Keep a dream journal, I know this may sound strange to some but keeping a dream journal might inspire something. A lot of my book ideas have come from strange and peculiar dreams I've had.


3.) Make a Playlist
Music is a beautiful way to express how you feel, especially when it comes to being creative. I have a playlist for almost everything, whether it be writing, drawing or painting. Music can inspire the most extraordinary of things so make a playlist, who knows, it might inspire you.
Here are some of my playlists:Music for Writing WordsWhite Noise for WritingMy Mix


4.) Self-Care
Now this should be the first on the list, but you should always be well-rested and fed, you need to take care of yourself and if you don't, how are you going to get anything done effectively? I always make sure I am well caffeinated as well, I always have tea or coffee somewhere within reach to give me that extra little boost if I need it, and it's always good to stay hydrated as well.
It's always good to be well fed too, food is fuel and your body needs it to function properly. I'm not talking about stuffing potato chips and cake in your mouth, that's not healthy, it is of course okay to have a little treat once in a while but make sure you're not stuffing yourself full of unhealthy food. It doesn't hurt to have some nuts to snack on or some fruit. It also doesn't hurt to take a break and make yourself a little snack before returning to your artsy fartsy stuffs.
Being well rested is another key to doing anything effective and if your sleep deprived, well caffeine can help you with that. Struggling with insomnia? I have an post on that too (Struggling with Insomnia) Also a nap here and there never really hurt anyone.

Self-Care isn't selfish either.

5.) Practice, Practice, Practice!
Practice, say it with me, Practice... How is anyone supposed to get better at anything if we don't practice. When it comes to drawing, I always have a sketchbook so I can sketch ideas that I have. When it comes to writing, I write whatever comes to be, free writing is an amazing way to practice, writing short stories, poetry, writing songs. Practice makes perfect, practice helps us improve.


6.) Social Media
Some of you may not be fans of social media, I'm not a huge fan and I'm not really a fanatic when it comes to having an online presence. I do have Instagram, which I believe is a really lovely place, I often post my art on there and its a wonderful outlet to show your creativity, whether it be makeup, comedy, writing, etc. It is a wonderful platform for creativity.
Sometimes just browsing social media can spark something in you, it can inspire you. Sometimes when I feel as though I've hit an obstacle I can't overcome, I take a break and I browse social media, whether it be YouTube, DeviantART, Imgur, Twitter, etc. Sometimes just seeing other peoples art can inspire you.


7.) Take Breaks
I'm not too fond of taking breaks either but we all need them, sometimes we need to clear our heads or do our adult duties like laundry and hygiene. Taking breaks is good and it helps clear our minds, and who knows, maybe you might get an idea while you're showering or watching Netflix. That's another thing, sometimes we need to escape reality and enter the worlds of others, sometimes watching a movie while writing can help, who knows maybe it might spark something in that head of yours. Never be afraid to take a break or just take a walk around the block to take your mind off things. Besides, I'm sure we all need some much needed breaks.
Getting exercise can help boost your confidence, meditating can help clear your mind and relax you. Exercising is a great way to blow off steam and overall it makes you feel better, it makes you feel accomplished, so its always good to stay active. When you're like me and always sitting down for a majority of the day, it's good to get out and go for a walk or just do some simple stretching to get the body moving.



8.) Research
Now research can mean a variant of things, what I basically mean to say is educate yourself. It doesn't hurt to learn knew things and believe me your brain will thank you. When it comes to writing, read, read, read, read everything you can, whether you're doing research for a period in history or googling how long it takes for someone to bleed out for a bullet wound to the stomach. Your brain is always picking up new things and expanding your knowledge can help you in the long run.

When in doubt, be a sponge, knowledge is everything and expanding it can lead to wonderful things.



9.) Cleanliness, keep it clean!
I'm sure my fellow artists will agree with me when it comes to keeping things organized, my desk is always cluttered and my room is usually a disaster. But sometimes a mess can distract you from creativity, believe me, I learned this the hard way. I was obsessed with clutter, I stack everything around me to make me feel safe and comfortable, when in reality, it's just unnecessary stress, I knock things over and it frustrates me. Keeping things tidy, it means that you won't be knocking things over constantly and I'm a klutz when it comes to everything so it happens a lot, having less clutter means you'll be less distracted by that clutter.


10.) Finish Something
I know it can be difficult but starting something and finishing something is the hardest part. I am known to start many projects and never finish them, so I know it may be difficult but you need to finish projects in able to start new ones. When it comes to writing, set small goals for yourself, finish a chapter, that's a big step and it's a small step toward finishing that novel or short story you may be writing. Finishing a painting can be another big thing and to be honest, I have a lot of unfinished paintings and I will eventually finish them, I know it may be hard to finish things you've already started but once its complete, you'll be even more impressed with yourself.


11.) Don't beat Yourself Up! Stop comparing Yourself to Others!
This is something I cannot say enough, sometimes running out of ideas is okay, don't beat yourself up because of it, don't give up either because you'll never accomplish anything that way. 
Stop comparing yourselves to others, you are you and nobody else. Believe me I would love to be the next J.K Rowling or Neil Gaiman but guess what, I won't be, I will be me and I will write different kinds of stories. I nor You will never be the next Vincent Van Gogh or the next Shakespeare, but we can strive to be better, be our beautiful selves because no one else can do you but you. Loving yourself and appreciating yourself can be a challenge in itself, it's hard to love yourself. But appreciating you and your art style needs to be done, don't ever try to be someone else or pretend to be because its not you. You need to be you're own individual person.
I've had moments where I've wanted to give up, but giving up doesn't get you anywhere. Sometimes you just need to step back and take a break and come back to it when you're ready.
When it doubt, listen to JennaMarbles because she knows everything.

12.) Have Fun! Don't Force it!
Overall the most important thing is having fun, enjoying what you're passionate about is the whole point of being creative. Don't ever force art, art is from the heart, it is from the soul, forcing it will only frustrate you.
Having fun while being creative is the most important part, if you don't enjoy writing, you can always try something else, if drawing isn't for you, maybe try playing an instrument, some things aren't meant for everyone and that's okay, everyone has their own opinions on everything.


Nobody has to understand you but when a person does, keep them close, surrounding yourself with other creative people can help too. Nobody has to understand you, nobody has to understand your art, as long as your happy with whatever you've created, that's all that matters.

Well I hope this helped you my lovelies, remember what I said, don't give up and keep trying my darlings! Until next time <3

Losing That Special Someone

Getting over a breakup is not easy, it can be one of the most painful feelings in the world, you begin to question everything you did and what you might have done wrong and you wish you more than anything that you could go back in time and do things differently.

Devoting yourself to a single human being is one of the hardest things to do as well, you constantly doubt yourself, am I good enough for this person? If I tell them this will they leave me? You have doubts but you also have many unanswered questions. Will this be the person I spend the rest of my life with? Will we get married some day and have animal children and grow old with each other?


Me and my boyfriend were High school sweethearts, we crossed paths and our gazes had met while walking toward each other in the hallway, at that very moment time had stopped completely and we both smiled at each other. I thought in that moment I had found my special someone, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, someone I could share my life with.

If it weren't for my best friend at the time, I would have never had the guts to approach the guy in class one day, I asked him for his number and in that moment he was so embarrassed he had forgotten what a cellphone even was. I was baffled, did this guy actually find me attractive?
I had been in relationships before and they had ended in disaster, I had been cheated on multiple times and this was my first actual boyfriend. (Yes, I dated girls lol)


I had no idea that from that day on I would be in a relationship with the most amazing guy in the world for the next four years. But knowing me I had royally fucked up many times in our relationship, my best friend had tried to rip us apart because she was jealous and I broke up with him for the stupidest reason. I had let others get into my mind and manipulate my feelings and she was good at doing that. I ended up running back to him and he took me back with open arms, I told him I messed up and I loved him and I never wanted to let him go.

I eventually cut ties completely with this crazy girl who was my best friend and though I tried to help her, she didn't want to be helped.
Our first date was magical, I had told this guy my life story and he had told me his, I felt like someone finally understood me, he took me downtown and we ate on the pier and looked over the water and it was beautiful. After a long day, he took me home and kissed me goodbye. Even though it was a quick kiss, my heart fluttered and I felt like I could fly, I had fallen madly in love with this guy and I was only falling in love with him more every time I saw him.


The first year was brilliant, and it was all a blur to be honest, we were too young teenagers madly in love. Things went downhill after that, I ran away from my feelings and broke things off constantly, I was struggling with mental health issues and had a lot of built up anger that I ended up taking out on him. But no matter what I did, no matter how long I screamed and shouted at him, he would still love me and hug me and tell me everything was alright.

I did everything I could do fuck up this relationship, maybe he'll leave me? I believed I wasn't worth it, that such an amazing gentleman did not deserve such a fucked up human being like me. I bottled up my emotions and I ran to everyone but him.

Our relationship fell apart and I was to blame, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, that we were going to grow old with each other and maybe have children together someday.


Four years we were together, all I did was focus on the negative, I was the most selfish human being on this Earth and the love of my life could see that, I was dragging him down and pretty soon he gave up, breaking up with him and running back became a regular thing and he just assumed I would always come back.

He had changed in our relationship, we both did. All we did was argue, we were at each others throats half the time. I felt like I was losing the man I loved and I was and it was all my fault. When I did talk to him it felt like I was talking to a brick wall, like I couldn't get through to him no matter how much I picked and I prodded. I had tried to end my life so many times because of this, I didn't feel like was worth living if I couldn't have him.

He was the most important thing to me, he was my world, my life, my soulmate and my special someone. We broke up just about four months ago, I bottled up my emotions like I had done so many times before and I exploded on him, broke things off and stormed out. I waited outside for him to run to me, pull me into his embrace and tell me he loved me and it never happened. I was a soppy mess and luckily I had my uncle to help me home.


I've tried reaching out to him many times and at one point I even showed up at his house, I had no idea why I had gone there to begin with or what I was going to accomplish. My heart just knew I had to see him and I had to tell him how I felt about him and how things ended. Eventually he came to the door and I broke down at his feet, I told him I had messed up and I told him everything was my fault, that I had lost him and I felt like I was never going to get him back.

After hours of talking, he told me that he loved me and that we both knew this relationship was never going to work out. That we both knew that I was going to break up with him and keep coming back and this was never going to work if I kept doing that. He had a point, I completely agreed with him, but I wanted nothing more than to be back with him.
When he hugged me all the bad things went away, I felt safe and I never wanted to let him go and for those few brief moments we looked into each others eyes I wanted to kiss him and tell him I loved him more than anything. I wanted him to give me one last chance, a chance to prove myself to him so maybe I could win him back.


Of course that didn't happen, we agreed that we would still talk and maybe we would just be better off being friends. It broke my heart and I went home feeling defeated and almost unwanted in a way, I told my mom what had happened and she told me that at least I got some kind of closure and maybe we would be better off being friends.

I knew deep down I wanted this guy in my life, whether he was my life partner or my best friend. I want us both to be better and accomplish things in life, I both want to see us grow together even if we're not in a romantic relationship. Yes it breaks my heart that we'll probably never be in a romantic relationship again, but I still want us to be friends and enjoy each others company, I want to laugh together and have fun.


I've tried my hardest to make plans with him and I believe me I know this is hard for him too and I want to give him his space. I told him from the beginning, if I ever push boundaries, just let me know and he does which I'm proud of him for that. But I want more than anything just to spend a day with him at the mall, or go out for coffee and just talk.

Yes I had lost my boyfriend but I had also lost my best friend, one that I could tell anything to and I knew he wouldn't judge me. If I was down in the dumps, he would make sure to make me feel better, whether it was taking me out or just making me laugh and he does a damn good job at making me laugh even if it's something stupid. I love that guy, even though he drives me crazy and though I have had no such luck being close friends with him, I just hope he's doing well and I hope he's happy.


I hope one day in the future we can be best friends again, but for now I guess I will just have to be patient with you. We have to give each other time and space to heal and I respect that. I love you and I wish you the best.

Now I'm sure others out there have gone through nastier breakups than this, a breakup his hard and being cheated on can be even worse. Heartbreak is hard and you feel like you can never ever recover from something like that, you feel as though another human being will never love you again and you're going to die all alone with fifty cats. But things just take time, you need time to heal, you need to learn again how to love yourself and appreciate the little things. You need to stop and take care of yourself.

Now go take care of yourself, self-care is important, give yourself time to heal.I love you all, until next time my lovelies.

Struggling with Insomnia

Insomnia can be a pain in the butt...
I have struggled with insomnia for years, it's a vicious cycle that can never seem to get broken. Now I am lazy and I do not have the best sleeping schedule, but usually I don't end up going to sleep till the very early hours of the morning and when I do eventually end up falling asleep, I don't wake up till midday, which isn't healthy at all.

Whether it be artistic ideas or a new idea for a book my brain always seems to bring up something, dreaming is one of my favourite things when it comes to sleeping, if they are pleasant. I have extremely vivid dreams which can be amazing but also be a curse when it comes to night terrors, which I've had for many years also.
I've tried doing many a sort of things to wind down for bedtime and nothing seems to do the trick, whether it be yoga, listening to calming music while I lay in bed or stop using electronics a few hours before bedtime to help wind down. Nothing seems to work and sometimes I do feel like I will never sleep again but that is certainly not the case.
Though it is frustrating when one is struck with Insomnia, life just loves to kick you down and watch you squirm and struggle with the obstacles ahead. Yes, life may suck at times but if you don't keep getting up, you'll never get anywhere, no matter how much life laughs at you and tells you to stay down.

Sometimes it is difficult and I just toss and turn and when I do wake up from my slumber I feel as though I've only slept for a few minutes. It can be extremely frustrating when it comes to Insomnia, I've tried melatonin, which doesn't seem to do the trick, but hey, it might work for you. I've also tried medications that knock me out like a horse but I end up being a zombie the rest of the day, which to me isn't worth it. I've always been the one to do things in the most natural way possible and relying on medication to help you sleep isn't the best habit, but that's just my opinion.

Though if I could find a sleeping medication that had no side effects and didn't make me feel like a groggy zombie, sign me up.


We've all been there, the point where you're sleep deprived and can no longer function, being sleep deprived is one way trip to crazyville. You don't know what's real anymore and you would do anything to get some precious sleep, whether it be night terrors that trouble you or your brain wants to re-traumatize you with that thing you did back in middle school that you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Getting your sleep in order is extremely important, you need sleep to function and if you can't function, well you're just a useless potato with emotions. Sleeping, eating write and exercise is very important, I'll touch on that more in the future.

Of course you could just live off of caffeine which can be rather dangerous in mass quantities so I would be safe rather than sorry. I'm a girl who loves her tea but sometimes I do need coffee to give me that extra boost and when I'm truly desperate I will go for an energy booster drink which I rarely ever have because they are riddled with all kinds of crud.
I've also written this at 4:30am so please forgive me if this is complete and utter nonsense, I wish you all the best on your sleeping journeys and hey, maybe we could give each other some pointers on sleep and how we can improve our sleep.

Good night my lovelies, sleep tight, grab your cats and your dogs and snuggle them close, hopefully we'll both get some much needed sleep. Have a good one my darlings, until next time.