This is who I really am

<-- That right there is exactly how I feel - not because of anything anyone has said or done, just because of the spinning of my brain and the malfunction of my emotions and thoughts. If you've never experienced the wrath and instability of depression, you're not only lucky but you can't truly understand the emotions and toil it takes not only on someone's mind but their body as well. And I really hope y'all don't think I'm looking for sympathy when I post about these things, I'm merely venting my feelings a little.

I have clinical depression - have had it for almost 20 years - and certain times of the year are worse than others. Generally the end of August to the beginning of October and the months of January and February. I've done light therapy to see if it's SAD related (seasonal affective disorder) but the light gave me migraines which I'm already very susceptible. Add on top of that my Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotional Dysregulation and you get BAZINGA! double-edged sword of emotions. (I heart Sheldon so hard)

Eight out of the past ten years I have been in hospital in either January or February or sometimes both so that's why I'm trying not to do as the kitteh in the picture is doing - hide. Hiding is the logical impulse in my brain right now - hide so no one can see the pain, so no one has to deal with what's going on inside me, so everyone else can remain blissfully oblivious. Hiding is also one of the worst things I can do at this time of year and when my thoughts are dark and fleeting. So I'm trying very hard not to hide, trying to stay out in the open and if that makes anyone uncomfortable, I apologize. I had someone ask me if I thought it was a good idea to mix my personal thoughts and struggles with my professional (author-related) life and I've given it a lot of thought lately. My conclusion is that there is no way to untangle my personal from my professional because what happens to me personally does affect my writing - it affects how I write my characters, how I torture them and then make them deliriously happy, it affects where a story will go, and it affects what stories I write. After all, authors are just people, aren't they?

 Another question that has come up recently is how my friends should deal with this time frame of my year - what is the best way to help me. Unfortunately, no one can help me in that way - not even the meds - but what my friends can do is just keep in touch, give me a little push when they haven't heard from me, keep me out of my hibernation chamber basically. A comment or tweet or email is like an internet hug to me and that's something I'm never against - a hug. That's a lot of responsibility I know and I don't expect everyone or even anyone to commit to such an undertaking but I'm putting it out there so you know that I don't consider it bothering me if you get in touch or if you ask me how I am or even say "wtf girl, get off your ass and talk to me" - lol. Seriously, I would take that with a much-needed smile on my face.

Maybe someday I'll regret sharing too much but right now, this is who I am - take it or leave it. I guess. Or as my tattoo says "Look in my eyes - this is who I really am". Anyone know where that lyric came from - it's probably close to being my #1 song of all time. This is a quiz people. :)

Anyhow, I'm sharing one of my fave songs (nope, not the tat one) and fave bands (nope, not the tat band) with you. I love Staind - Aaron Lewis' voice just does good/bad things to me - and this song is so me it's scary. It's a weird video but very beautiful too.

PS This will be a double blog day again so you will get some good mixed with the morose. :)