Understanding The MAGA Hat- what’s really underneath the red cap

Some years ago I worked next to a Mercedes engine reconditioning place. The owner was a rich guy and he initially hated having a tattoo shop next door, but there was nothing he could do and after a year or two he finally stopped fucking with us. Almost five years into our turbulent relationship as neighbors I noticed he looked depressed. His wife had stopped coming around and he spent so much time at the garage that it almost seemed like he lived there. So I asked him if he was okay and to my astonishment he said ‘No’. And he was sad in a sincere, lonely way, so much so that I took him out for a drink right then and there. That act of diplomacy was the beginning of a lifelong friendship, one I greatly benefit from, because this dude turned out to be WISE.

Ed, I’ll call him, was born in Iran. He went to school in London. After a brief time in New York he finally settled in Portland. In addition to English, the guy speaks Farsi, German, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Chinese, and Russian. His observations are priceless- insightful, foreign to the point of alien, and incredibly keen. One day we went out to lunch and we were driving back in one of his insanely expensive cars when he almost wrecked. He’d been seized by a fit of rage! At the sight of a guy wearing a… Portland Trailblazers jersey.

“The Looking Man,” he growled in disgust, pointing.

“The sports guy? You know him?”

“I know his kind.” Ed spit in his own ride he was so disgusted. “The Looking Man watches the sports on TV. He watches instead of playing. Do you know what that same man does?” Without waiting for an answer he continued, almost too ashamed to talk about it. “He watches the pornography. It is the same. This man with his sporting shirt walks through the world telling us all that he loves the masturbation. He says to us women are fine, but I PREFER TO TOUCH MYSELF. This is what he screams into my eyes! I only want to drive! I do not want to know of this man’s private life! Did I ask him? Sir, do you masturbate to the television? Why does he need to tell me this!”

Well. Ew. But eye opening. It sounds true too, admit it (sorry sports weenies). How does this apply to the MAGA hat? By wearing it, what are people really saying? It’s more than I Support Trump. The Masturbating Watching Man logic holds across the board, so what else are they really advertising in the way jersey guy is advertising his love of porn? I think we can see the surface and even that’s embarrassing. They’re saying- “I am angry. At black people. Women. Mexicans. Foreign food and electric cars. Climate change and any change. I am angry because I am AFRAID.” If you look at the news you can see why. Its fucking terrifying. But that isn’t it. That’s only the surface. Underneath and behind that, what separates compassionate, science minded, equality embracing individuals from the people under the MAGA hats? It isn’t bravery. I know so many phony, spineless liberals. What’s truly at the center of the MAGA yellow belly?

Sorrow is part of it. It has to be. Rage and fear are the two most common flowers of sorrow. Deep down, these people are sad. Most of them are poor, so the economy left them behind. Most of them are poorly educated. So the world itself has outpaced them. The exceptions here, the wealthy, educated MAGA mechanics, are paradoxically afraid of… the poor and uneducated who happen to be angry and afraid- and those same poor, ignorant people have guns! How… sad. This would be comical social engineering plot if were happening on a TV show.

Then there’s Al, another old guy I’m friends with. Al is a South African Jew who moved to New York in the late 70’s and owned one of the restaurants on Fire Island back in the heyday. He married a sweet woman named Lucille and moved to LA, prospered there for a time and then finally settled in Portland in the mid 1980’s. I worked for him at a swank restaurant in 1988 but we bonded at a food festival of some kind when Horstmager, the German entrepreneur behind many prosperous Portland food ventures, decided to come on over and fuck with Al. It was the Jewish thing. I was super stoned that day, a young hard rockin’ 18 year old in love with cooking, food, waitresses in general, and I took exception to this sunburned German monster, so much so that I ambled over and asked Al if he wanted me to stab the guy. Shock all around! It was, I thought, hilarious, but it was touch and go for a few days until Al finally came around and commended me for a job poorly conceived but well done. Al is a master at hiring, as in it often seems as though he can read peoples minds. I asked him about this one time a few years ago and his logic was astounding. “In an interview, get close. Find out why someone left their old job, as in the real human reasons. They’ll telegraph their own weaknesses and their future with your company. If they say ‘Those people didn’t know how to run a business’ then the interviewee very likely has no idea how to run a business. If he says ‘They’re all crooks’ then you’re talking to a potential crook. People shine the light on their own worst attributes. This exact same sentiment was echoed by my pal Darren, who runs the oldest tattoo shop in Manhattan, hailing from all the way back to the underground days. Interesting.

By Al’s logic, the sadistic hatred the MAGA people have for what they perceive as ‘weakness’ is very revealing. Take the mask, an accessory that does NOT go with the hat. The mask is a sign of weakness. They strain to believe liberals are weak and harp incessantly on it. These people evidently feel, deep down, that they’re weak themselves. They’re telegraphic it through megaphones.

The wisdom of old people. Both these guys have a few things in common. They both worked incredibly hard for decades and they both claim that hard work is a good way to get to know people. I agree. Success in work, as in working with great dedication and perseverance and seeing positive results, is well known to be one of the keys to happiness and fulfilment, especially for men, and that wholesome brand of goodness can make a fella wise. As in worth listening to, for me anyway. They’re both impossible troublemakers, too, especially ‘Ed’. So thanks Ed, you cool old dude. Your strange insight has allowed us to see the sorrowful among us. And, of course, those championship masturbaters. And to you Al (I know you can cook you bullshitter), thanks for showing us the sissies in our midst. Sorrow and weakness.

What shitty things to advertise.