TOP FIVE things I learned from The Bachelor

#5 If ten girls tell you that one specific girl is bat-shiz crazy, you should believe instead that it's the ten girls who are crazy. 

#4 If you can overcome your fear of heights, and bungee jump off the bay bridge, that means you are ready to overcome your fear of relationships, and jump into love. If you can't, this means you are emotionally stunted, and you are there for the wrong reasons.

#3 Kissing in water is always sexy, unless your feet can't touch the bottom and you're arms and legs are flailing about when you go to plant one on her, and then there's that awkward moment when you realize you can't smooch and stay afloat.

#2 If you are in doubt of your feelings, strip. This will prove that you are ready to expose your innermost layers, because you are ready to expose your skin. If you can't, this means you are emotionally frigid, and there for the wrong reasons. (Side note: The worst indictment on someone is to say they are "there for the wrong reasons".)

#1 When the couple next door to me was sharing an intimate moment, I sneaked up and said, "Can I steal him for a moment? You've already had one-on-one time." ... This is not okay.