“Technically he was there. We ate dinner together every night....

“Technically he was there. We ate dinner together every night. But he wasn’t exactly ‘available.’ He’d go on these long trips alone, to Peru, and China, and Mexico. And even when he was home, we’d only do things together that he found fun. He enjoyed linguistics. And etymology. And architecture. He was always telling us that houses should be circular because it’s the most efficient shape. But we were just kids. We weren’t interested in that stuff. We wanted to watch cartoons and play baseball. And that’s the stuff he didn’t show up for. It wasn’t malicious. He grew up in The Soviet Union. And his father was a heavy alcholic, so he didn’t know any better. There was nowhere for him to learn parenting skills. When I was thirteen my parents got a divorce. My father finally got his own apartment and his solitude. But suddenly his kids weren’t readily available. We were living separate lives, so he had to learn to initiate. He had to express a desire for companionship. It was very difficult for him at first. He’d use a lot of sarcasm. Instead of saying: ‘Can we eat dinner together?’ He’d say: ‘You can’t cook. You need my help.’ He began to manufacture reasons for us to be together. A couple years ago I got a text from him saying that he’d bought a plot of land. Apparently he’d been watching a lot of YouTube videos, and he was ready to build his circular house. But he needed our help. We’ve been working on it for over a year now. We laid the foundation ourselves. We cut down all the trees. It’s been a lot of work. But more importantly, it’s been a lot of time together. There’s still a sarcastic hint over everything. There’s a lot of: ‘Come over here so I can show you how to do it.’ But we’ve also had some deeper conversations. When we’re in the middle of building, and we need to break the silence. He’s learned to be more direct. He’ll tell me about problems he’s having. He’ll ask for advice. And he’ll even ask for companionship. A few months ago we were finishing up for the day, and he told me: ‘I know you’re busy, but if you come over and watch a little TV with me, especially during the winter, it would help me a lot. Because I’m completely alone in that apartment.’”