“We met in the sixth grade. She was such a positive person, the...

“We met in the sixth grade. She was such a positive person, the opposite of me. When you’ve gone your whole life without hearing ‘good job’ or ‘I’m proud of you,’ it sort of leaves an empty space in your mind. And you fill in the blanks with your own guesses about what people think of you. For me it was always something negative. But Makenzie was the opposite. I called her my bush baby because she had these bright eyes and would always be smiling. And I still see her that way. She’s a little more drained now that we have kids, but she’s always been a constant source of positivity. Even as my depression got worse and worse. People say: ‘It’s so selfish what you did. You have this great family. Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of it?’ But that’s the thing. I never felt like I deserved to be a part of it. And it got to the point where I thought everyone’s life would be better if I removed myself from the equation. Makenzie freaked out when I came home from the hospital. There was a lot of crying and hugging. A few months later, when the dust had settled, we were sitting at the kitchen table. And I asked her: ‘Were you upset with me that day?’ She looked at me with tears in her eyes. And she said: ‘I need you.’ She told me that without me she wouldn’t have her best friend. And that going to bed at night would be harder. Something about that moment made it easy to believe her. It wasn’t some planned speech. She just said it. And that’s my goal in therapy right now. To believe what people say about me. It’s really hard for me to say good things about myself, so that’s the best I can do right now. If you ask my kids, they’ll tell you they have a great Daddy. They’ll say he’s really nice. I know their problems can seem immeasurable to them. So if they’re crying, even if it seems like there’s no reason, I’ll sit with them as long as they need. Am I a good husband? That one is harder to answer. I’m afraid that I take more than I give. And I never want Makenzie to feel like I’m her fourth kid. I want to be a team. But I’ve gotten to the point where I can trust her to tell me. And she says I mean a lot to this family. She says we’re a team. So that means we’re a team.”