Losing That Special Someone

Getting over a breakup is not easy, it can be one of the most painful feelings in the world, you begin to question everything you did and what you might have done wrong and you wish you more than anything that you could go back in time and do things differently.

Devoting yourself to a single human being is one of the hardest things to do as well, you constantly doubt yourself, am I good enough for this person? If I tell them this will they leave me? You have doubts but you also have many unanswered questions. Will this be the person I spend the rest of my life with? Will we get married some day and have animal children and grow old with each other?


Me and my boyfriend were High school sweethearts, we crossed paths and our gazes had met while walking toward each other in the hallway, at that very moment time had stopped completely and we both smiled at each other. I thought in that moment I had found my special someone, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, someone I could share my life with.

If it weren't for my best friend at the time, I would have never had the guts to approach the guy in class one day, I asked him for his number and in that moment he was so embarrassed he had forgotten what a cellphone even was. I was baffled, did this guy actually find me attractive?
I had been in relationships before and they had ended in disaster, I had been cheated on multiple times and this was my first actual boyfriend. (Yes, I dated girls lol)


I had no idea that from that day on I would be in a relationship with the most amazing guy in the world for the next four years. But knowing me I had royally fucked up many times in our relationship, my best friend had tried to rip us apart because she was jealous and I broke up with him for the stupidest reason. I had let others get into my mind and manipulate my feelings and she was good at doing that. I ended up running back to him and he took me back with open arms, I told him I messed up and I loved him and I never wanted to let him go.

I eventually cut ties completely with this crazy girl who was my best friend and though I tried to help her, she didn't want to be helped.
Our first date was magical, I had told this guy my life story and he had told me his, I felt like someone finally understood me, he took me downtown and we ate on the pier and looked over the water and it was beautiful. After a long day, he took me home and kissed me goodbye. Even though it was a quick kiss, my heart fluttered and I felt like I could fly, I had fallen madly in love with this guy and I was only falling in love with him more every time I saw him.


The first year was brilliant, and it was all a blur to be honest, we were too young teenagers madly in love. Things went downhill after that, I ran away from my feelings and broke things off constantly, I was struggling with mental health issues and had a lot of built up anger that I ended up taking out on him. But no matter what I did, no matter how long I screamed and shouted at him, he would still love me and hug me and tell me everything was alright.

I did everything I could do fuck up this relationship, maybe he'll leave me? I believed I wasn't worth it, that such an amazing gentleman did not deserve such a fucked up human being like me. I bottled up my emotions and I ran to everyone but him.

Our relationship fell apart and I was to blame, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, that we were going to grow old with each other and maybe have children together someday.


Four years we were together, all I did was focus on the negative, I was the most selfish human being on this Earth and the love of my life could see that, I was dragging him down and pretty soon he gave up, breaking up with him and running back became a regular thing and he just assumed I would always come back.

He had changed in our relationship, we both did. All we did was argue, we were at each others throats half the time. I felt like I was losing the man I loved and I was and it was all my fault. When I did talk to him it felt like I was talking to a brick wall, like I couldn't get through to him no matter how much I picked and I prodded. I had tried to end my life so many times because of this, I didn't feel like was worth living if I couldn't have him.

He was the most important thing to me, he was my world, my life, my soulmate and my special someone. We broke up just about four months ago, I bottled up my emotions like I had done so many times before and I exploded on him, broke things off and stormed out. I waited outside for him to run to me, pull me into his embrace and tell me he loved me and it never happened. I was a soppy mess and luckily I had my uncle to help me home.


I've tried reaching out to him many times and at one point I even showed up at his house, I had no idea why I had gone there to begin with or what I was going to accomplish. My heart just knew I had to see him and I had to tell him how I felt about him and how things ended. Eventually he came to the door and I broke down at his feet, I told him I had messed up and I told him everything was my fault, that I had lost him and I felt like I was never going to get him back.

After hours of talking, he told me that he loved me and that we both knew this relationship was never going to work out. That we both knew that I was going to break up with him and keep coming back and this was never going to work if I kept doing that. He had a point, I completely agreed with him, but I wanted nothing more than to be back with him.
When he hugged me all the bad things went away, I felt safe and I never wanted to let him go and for those few brief moments we looked into each others eyes I wanted to kiss him and tell him I loved him more than anything. I wanted him to give me one last chance, a chance to prove myself to him so maybe I could win him back.


Of course that didn't happen, we agreed that we would still talk and maybe we would just be better off being friends. It broke my heart and I went home feeling defeated and almost unwanted in a way, I told my mom what had happened and she told me that at least I got some kind of closure and maybe we would be better off being friends.

I knew deep down I wanted this guy in my life, whether he was my life partner or my best friend. I want us both to be better and accomplish things in life, I both want to see us grow together even if we're not in a romantic relationship. Yes it breaks my heart that we'll probably never be in a romantic relationship again, but I still want us to be friends and enjoy each others company, I want to laugh together and have fun.


I've tried my hardest to make plans with him and I believe me I know this is hard for him too and I want to give him his space. I told him from the beginning, if I ever push boundaries, just let me know and he does which I'm proud of him for that. But I want more than anything just to spend a day with him at the mall, or go out for coffee and just talk.

Yes I had lost my boyfriend but I had also lost my best friend, one that I could tell anything to and I knew he wouldn't judge me. If I was down in the dumps, he would make sure to make me feel better, whether it was taking me out or just making me laugh and he does a damn good job at making me laugh even if it's something stupid. I love that guy, even though he drives me crazy and though I have had no such luck being close friends with him, I just hope he's doing well and I hope he's happy.


I hope one day in the future we can be best friends again, but for now I guess I will just have to be patient with you. We have to give each other time and space to heal and I respect that. I love you and I wish you the best.

Now I'm sure others out there have gone through nastier breakups than this, a breakup his hard and being cheated on can be even worse. Heartbreak is hard and you feel like you can never ever recover from something like that, you feel as though another human being will never love you again and you're going to die all alone with fifty cats. But things just take time, you need time to heal, you need to learn again how to love yourself and appreciate the little things. You need to stop and take care of yourself.

Now go take care of yourself, self-care is important, give yourself time to heal.I love you all, until next time my lovelies.