Where do I need to own my part in a situation in order to forgive and move forward?

Questions have power! 32 Questions: A Personal Quest Through Questions is my book. This is your invitation to engage with important questions to ask yourself. This week is all about Question #13 in 32 Questions: Where do I need to own my own part in a situation in order to forgive and move forward? Some questions are hard.  They take us to uncomfortable places and can prompt us to look at our “shadow” side. As painful as it can be, it is also good.  When we know better, we do better.   This question is one of those questions.  It calls us to a courageous, honest journey of self-reflection. I think it is important to note that this question is asking us to reflect on situations (perhaps a broken friendship or relationship) and think about our part in it.  This is not about times when awful acts may have been done against us.  In some situations, people are truly victims of awful acts.  That is not what this question is pointing too.  It is pointing to those delicate places where a relationship broke down or something happened that was not a violation of our body or trust.  Where do I need to own my part in a situation in order to forgive and move forward?  We are asked to consider the bold act of forgiving and being forgiven in this question.  Our ability to forgive is tied to our ability to own our part in the problem. It is very easy to keep a list of all the ways the other person made mistakes and wronged us, but much harder to see the ways we may have helped create the problem.   Fredrick Buechner, the great writer, and pastor wrote the following reflection on forgiving and being forgiven, sometimes turning to the wisdom of a great writer and thinker is a great place to start.   To forgive somebody is to say one way or another, “You have done something unspeakable, and by all rights, I should call it quits between us. Both my pride and my principles demand no less. However, although I make no guarantees that I will be able to forget what you’ve done, and though we may both carry the scars for life, I refuse to let it stand between us. I still want you for my friend.” To accept forgiveness means to admit that you’ve done something unspeakable that needs to be forgiven, and thus both parties must swallow the same thing: their pride. When somebody you’ve wronged forgives you, you’re spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience. When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each other’s presence. ~originally published in Wishful Thinking and later in Beyond Words Forgiveness feels way above my pay grade to write about.  It is delicate and soulful work.  It can be two steps forward and three steps back.  It is a process, not an event.  It is hard.  The question today can be a beginning.  A different frame to think about a situation or relationship that confuses or pains us because of things done or words spoken.  The wise and funny Anne Lamont on mercy and forgiveness: We’re so often rattled by lingering effects of trauma and paralyzing fear. At first glance, they seem inextricable. Trauma, which is sorted differently in the brain than memory, seeps out of us as warnings of worse to come. Our self-centered fears whisper at us all day: our fear of exposure, of death, and that we will lose those we love most, that we will lose whatever advantage we hold, whatever meager gains we’ve made. We live in terror that our butts will show and people will run from us, screaming. But let’s say we believe that mercy and forgiveness are in fact foundational, innate, what we are grown from, and can build on; also that they are hard to access because of these traumas and fears. What if we know that forgiveness and mercy are what heal and restore and define us, that they are the fragrance that the rose leaves on the heel that crushes it? Anne Lamont Read more from Anne here. Where do I need to own my part in a situation, in order to forgive and move forward? If you like these questions, please consider SUBSCRIBING to The Art of Powering Down; Questions to Recharge Your Soul… Every week there is a question that will gently challenge you, encourage you, or help you live your life with more intention, grace, and purpose. (Sharing these reflections and questions with friends is the greatest compliment!)

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