Chapter 7 Yesterday's Lies
Chapter 7
Darien
The next morning, I arrived at the office at seven o’clock. My first meeting was scheduled for eight, and I wanted to get logged in so I could email Toni. However, apparently, no one gets in until at least eight o’clock, because I basically sat in the lobby until 7:45 waiting for someone to sign me in. I decided immediately to visit Human Resources to request my own badge so I could come and go as I pleased. I could not afford to waste time waiting for people to let me in. This minor setback meant my contact with Toni would have to be later than I had planned.
After my first meeting started shortly after eight, I was in an endless series of meetings until almost seven o’clock that evening. I barely had a minute to eat the sandwich one of the assistants brought me around 2:30 p.m., when I became so famished I thought I might pass out. I didn’t have a chance to check emails or voicemails all day.
My boss was right. This plan was a mess. Their financial reporting packages were very complex, and the data to compile the reports came from a variety of sources, which would make the audit much more difficult. However, my team had come up with a solid plan of attack. I felt comfortable with our approach, and I felt we had the right people assigned to accomplish the goal. But, it was going to take some extra night and weekend hours. We set up daily status meetings and decided that on Thursdays, we would decide if those of us from other locations could travel back home for the weekend on Friday.
By the end of the day, I still hadn’t gotten a chance to email Toni, and honestly, I was tired and just wanted to head back to my room. I decided I would try to log on from the hotel to check my messages and send one to Toni. At least she would get it first thing the next day.
Toni
Well, another day has passed with no Darien sighting at the office, no email, and no phone call. I was starting to get very anxious. Jada was very busy, with her office door closed all day long. So, I didn't have a chance to complain to her about not hearing from Darien. I checked a few times to see if he was logged into the instant messenger application, but he wasn’t. I started to wonder if he had even came to work. Suddenly, I feared something terrible had happened to him. I mean, I had not seen or heard from him since he left my house on Sunday morning.
What if he was in a terrible accident or something? I would never know. I decided that had to be it. He was laid up in the hospital somewhere, and here I was getting upset because he hadn’t called me. I thought about calling Jada to review my theory with her, but it was late. Plus, I knew she would be upset, because we agreed I would wait until Thursday morning to contact him.
Journal Entry
Tuesday
As each day passes, my thoughts of you and desire for you increase. When I close my eyes, I can drift back in time and feel your touch. I imagine I hear your voice. Oh, how I wish I could hear your voice. I've let you get under my skin, and I feel very vulnerable because I know I'm in a position to get hurt. You told me when we first met that you were not looking for a relationship, and I agreed to your terms. I never expected you to be such a nice guy, though. I really want to call you, but I promised Jada I would wait until Thursday.
In the middle of my entry, I checked the clock. It was only 10:15 p.m.
It's not too late to call, I thought to myself, then grabbed my phone and dialed the number. The phone rang four times, and just as I was about to disconnect the call, he answered.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Darien,” I said. “This is Toni.”
“Well, hello, Ms. Toni,” he said. I could sense he was smiling through the phone. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Really? That’s funny because you didn’t call me; I called you,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Yeah, about that,” he started. “I wanted to call you, but I got sent out of town on business suddenly yesterday morning. I didn't have your cell number on me. I've been in meetings all day long and haven’t had a minute to log in to send you an email.”
Trying to sound cool, I responded, “Darien, it’s okay. I was just concerned because I hadn’t heard from you since you left my house on Sunday, and I hadn’t seen you around the office either. I thought maybe something had happened to you, so I just wanted to check on you.”
“Oh, I see. Well, as you can hear, I'm doing okay. Just been busy with work, and I will be busy for the next few weeks. I'm in Miami right now and not sure when I'm coming home. Hopefully, it will be this weekend, but not sure I really want to fly all the way back home just for the weekend when the only thing waiting for me there is my empty bed and my fish.”
Trying to sound very nonchalant, I said, “Yes, I can understand that.”
We talked for another few minutes before I said, “Darien, it’s getting late, so I need to go. Did you save my number in your phone?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Okay. Then call me when you can.”
“I will, Toni. I promise.”
Journal Entry
Tuesday continued…
I broke down and called you. Even though Jada is going to have some choice words for me, I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed talking to you. Our conversation left me wanting more. I'm trying to put my finger on what it is about you that intrigues me the most. I think it's a combination of a number of things. First of all, I like your confidence. You carry yourself like you know exactly who you are and what you want. That's a real turn-on. In addition, you try to act like you're a player and like women don’t mean that much to you, but I can tell you really like women. The way you talked about your mom and little sister, I can tell you really like women. I mean, most straight men like women. They love us and want to make love to us, but they don’t really like us. I can tell you do, though. It's the way you listen that makes the difference. Women like to be heard more than anything else. I could write so much more, but I’m very tired. So, I’m closing for now. I'm looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow.
I placed my journal back in its hiding place, put my cell phone on the charger, and prepared to turn in for the night. As soon as I turned the light off, my cell phone rang. I looked at the clock; 11:00 p.m.
Who is calling me at this time of night?
Reaching over, I grabbed my phone off the charger and looked at the number. It was an unfamiliar out-of-town number. I think the same one from the other day.
Who is this that keeps calling me?
I considered letting it go to voicemail again, but I had a feeling I needed to take this call. So, I answered.
“Hello.”
“Hey, baby,” was the response on the other end of the phone.
I could not believe my ears. I looked around my room and then pinched myself to make sure I was really awake and not in some sick dream.
“Hello,” I repeated.
The voice responded with a chuckle. “Hey, baby, it’s Benjamin. I know you recognize my voice.”
This time, I dropped the phone and let out a little squeal. I sat there staring at my phone as it lay on the floor beside my bed. I have no idea how long I just sat there before kneeling down to retrieve my phone. Once I did, I hesitantly placed it back to my ear and listened to see if he was still there. I could hear him breathing into the phone.
After another minute or two of listening to him breathe, I said, “Benjamin, why are you calling me?”
“I’m calling because I missed you and was thinking about you, baby.”
“Please stop calling me baby!” I screamed into the phone. I closed my eyes in an attempt to block the painful memories that were coming back. Shaking my head, I said, “Benjamin, I can’t do this right now. I don’t know why you called me, but I cannot talk to you right now. Not like this.”
After sighing heavily on the other end, he said, “Okay, listen. I meant what I said. I miss you, and I've been thinking about you. Also, I'm going to be in town this coming weekend, and I wanted to know if we can meet for lunch or dinner so we can talk.”
I still could not believe this was happening, and not wanting to commit to anything without consulting with Jada first, I responded, “Um, I need some time to think about it, Benjamin. Your call kind of caught me off guard. Can I get back to you later about lunch?”
Sounding irritated, he said, “Sure, no problem. I will call you back on Friday. Is that enough time for you to make up your mind?”
“Yes, that would be perfect.”
“Okay, great. Toni, I know I have a lot of explaining to do, and I will. I promise. Just give me a chance, okay, baby?”
Trying to hold back the tears that were pooling in my eyes, I said, “Benjamin, I will talk to you when you call me on Friday. I have to go now. Goodbye.”
After hanging up, I sat for what felt like hours just staring at my phone and replaying in my head the brief conversation. I tried to force myself not to remember my time with Benjamin. I referred to them as the Benjamin Years. Jada and I sometimes joked about my life in segments. There were the BB, or Before Benjamin Years, and then the AB, or After Benjamin Years. Jada says I changed after Benjamin. She will never say if it was good or bad; she just says I'm different. Jada doesn’t even know everything that happened between Benjamin and me.
In fact, Benjamin didn't even know the real reason why I went to Chicago for our final semester, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to open up those wounds. I spent years in therapy trying to get over Benjamin and the guilt I felt for decisions I made without consulting him. I had convinced myself that somehow Benjamin had discovered the truth, and that's the reason why he disappeared on me into thin air. I thought about all the plans we had made. He was going to be drafted into the NBA. We would get married, and I would stay home and raise our children. What a great plan that was until he got injured and was unable to play basketball anymore. I knew basketball was a major part of his life, but I never imagined that him losing his chance to play would make him turn his back on me like he did.
I returned my cell to the charger and tried to fall asleep. I didn't look at the clock, but I know I lay awake for hours remembering the Benjamin Years. I wondered what Jada would say tomorrow when I told her about my phone call.
Yesterday's Lies
Darien
The next morning, I arrived at the office at seven o’clock. My first meeting was scheduled for eight, and I wanted to get logged in so I could email Toni. However, apparently, no one gets in until at least eight o’clock, because I basically sat in the lobby until 7:45 waiting for someone to sign me in. I decided immediately to visit Human Resources to request my own badge so I could come and go as I pleased. I could not afford to waste time waiting for people to let me in. This minor setback meant my contact with Toni would have to be later than I had planned.
After my first meeting started shortly after eight, I was in an endless series of meetings until almost seven o’clock that evening. I barely had a minute to eat the sandwich one of the assistants brought me around 2:30 p.m., when I became so famished I thought I might pass out. I didn’t have a chance to check emails or voicemails all day.
My boss was right. This plan was a mess. Their financial reporting packages were very complex, and the data to compile the reports came from a variety of sources, which would make the audit much more difficult. However, my team had come up with a solid plan of attack. I felt comfortable with our approach, and I felt we had the right people assigned to accomplish the goal. But, it was going to take some extra night and weekend hours. We set up daily status meetings and decided that on Thursdays, we would decide if those of us from other locations could travel back home for the weekend on Friday.
By the end of the day, I still hadn’t gotten a chance to email Toni, and honestly, I was tired and just wanted to head back to my room. I decided I would try to log on from the hotel to check my messages and send one to Toni. At least she would get it first thing the next day.
Toni
Well, another day has passed with no Darien sighting at the office, no email, and no phone call. I was starting to get very anxious. Jada was very busy, with her office door closed all day long. So, I didn't have a chance to complain to her about not hearing from Darien. I checked a few times to see if he was logged into the instant messenger application, but he wasn’t. I started to wonder if he had even came to work. Suddenly, I feared something terrible had happened to him. I mean, I had not seen or heard from him since he left my house on Sunday morning.
What if he was in a terrible accident or something? I would never know. I decided that had to be it. He was laid up in the hospital somewhere, and here I was getting upset because he hadn’t called me. I thought about calling Jada to review my theory with her, but it was late. Plus, I knew she would be upset, because we agreed I would wait until Thursday morning to contact him.
Journal Entry
Tuesday
As each day passes, my thoughts of you and desire for you increase. When I close my eyes, I can drift back in time and feel your touch. I imagine I hear your voice. Oh, how I wish I could hear your voice. I've let you get under my skin, and I feel very vulnerable because I know I'm in a position to get hurt. You told me when we first met that you were not looking for a relationship, and I agreed to your terms. I never expected you to be such a nice guy, though. I really want to call you, but I promised Jada I would wait until Thursday.
In the middle of my entry, I checked the clock. It was only 10:15 p.m.
It's not too late to call, I thought to myself, then grabbed my phone and dialed the number. The phone rang four times, and just as I was about to disconnect the call, he answered.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Darien,” I said. “This is Toni.”
“Well, hello, Ms. Toni,” he said. I could sense he was smiling through the phone. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Really? That’s funny because you didn’t call me; I called you,” I said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Yeah, about that,” he started. “I wanted to call you, but I got sent out of town on business suddenly yesterday morning. I didn't have your cell number on me. I've been in meetings all day long and haven’t had a minute to log in to send you an email.”
Trying to sound cool, I responded, “Darien, it’s okay. I was just concerned because I hadn’t heard from you since you left my house on Sunday, and I hadn’t seen you around the office either. I thought maybe something had happened to you, so I just wanted to check on you.”
“Oh, I see. Well, as you can hear, I'm doing okay. Just been busy with work, and I will be busy for the next few weeks. I'm in Miami right now and not sure when I'm coming home. Hopefully, it will be this weekend, but not sure I really want to fly all the way back home just for the weekend when the only thing waiting for me there is my empty bed and my fish.”
Trying to sound very nonchalant, I said, “Yes, I can understand that.”
We talked for another few minutes before I said, “Darien, it’s getting late, so I need to go. Did you save my number in your phone?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Okay. Then call me when you can.”
“I will, Toni. I promise.”
Journal Entry
Tuesday continued…
I broke down and called you. Even though Jada is going to have some choice words for me, I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed talking to you. Our conversation left me wanting more. I'm trying to put my finger on what it is about you that intrigues me the most. I think it's a combination of a number of things. First of all, I like your confidence. You carry yourself like you know exactly who you are and what you want. That's a real turn-on. In addition, you try to act like you're a player and like women don’t mean that much to you, but I can tell you really like women. The way you talked about your mom and little sister, I can tell you really like women. I mean, most straight men like women. They love us and want to make love to us, but they don’t really like us. I can tell you do, though. It's the way you listen that makes the difference. Women like to be heard more than anything else. I could write so much more, but I’m very tired. So, I’m closing for now. I'm looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow.
I placed my journal back in its hiding place, put my cell phone on the charger, and prepared to turn in for the night. As soon as I turned the light off, my cell phone rang. I looked at the clock; 11:00 p.m.
Who is calling me at this time of night?
Reaching over, I grabbed my phone off the charger and looked at the number. It was an unfamiliar out-of-town number. I think the same one from the other day.
Who is this that keeps calling me?
I considered letting it go to voicemail again, but I had a feeling I needed to take this call. So, I answered.
“Hello.”
“Hey, baby,” was the response on the other end of the phone.
I could not believe my ears. I looked around my room and then pinched myself to make sure I was really awake and not in some sick dream.
“Hello,” I repeated.
The voice responded with a chuckle. “Hey, baby, it’s Benjamin. I know you recognize my voice.”
This time, I dropped the phone and let out a little squeal. I sat there staring at my phone as it lay on the floor beside my bed. I have no idea how long I just sat there before kneeling down to retrieve my phone. Once I did, I hesitantly placed it back to my ear and listened to see if he was still there. I could hear him breathing into the phone.
After another minute or two of listening to him breathe, I said, “Benjamin, why are you calling me?”
“I’m calling because I missed you and was thinking about you, baby.”
“Please stop calling me baby!” I screamed into the phone. I closed my eyes in an attempt to block the painful memories that were coming back. Shaking my head, I said, “Benjamin, I can’t do this right now. I don’t know why you called me, but I cannot talk to you right now. Not like this.”
After sighing heavily on the other end, he said, “Okay, listen. I meant what I said. I miss you, and I've been thinking about you. Also, I'm going to be in town this coming weekend, and I wanted to know if we can meet for lunch or dinner so we can talk.”
I still could not believe this was happening, and not wanting to commit to anything without consulting with Jada first, I responded, “Um, I need some time to think about it, Benjamin. Your call kind of caught me off guard. Can I get back to you later about lunch?”
Sounding irritated, he said, “Sure, no problem. I will call you back on Friday. Is that enough time for you to make up your mind?”
“Yes, that would be perfect.”
“Okay, great. Toni, I know I have a lot of explaining to do, and I will. I promise. Just give me a chance, okay, baby?”
Trying to hold back the tears that were pooling in my eyes, I said, “Benjamin, I will talk to you when you call me on Friday. I have to go now. Goodbye.”
After hanging up, I sat for what felt like hours just staring at my phone and replaying in my head the brief conversation. I tried to force myself not to remember my time with Benjamin. I referred to them as the Benjamin Years. Jada and I sometimes joked about my life in segments. There were the BB, or Before Benjamin Years, and then the AB, or After Benjamin Years. Jada says I changed after Benjamin. She will never say if it was good or bad; she just says I'm different. Jada doesn’t even know everything that happened between Benjamin and me.
In fact, Benjamin didn't even know the real reason why I went to Chicago for our final semester, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to open up those wounds. I spent years in therapy trying to get over Benjamin and the guilt I felt for decisions I made without consulting him. I had convinced myself that somehow Benjamin had discovered the truth, and that's the reason why he disappeared on me into thin air. I thought about all the plans we had made. He was going to be drafted into the NBA. We would get married, and I would stay home and raise our children. What a great plan that was until he got injured and was unable to play basketball anymore. I knew basketball was a major part of his life, but I never imagined that him losing his chance to play would make him turn his back on me like he did.
I returned my cell to the charger and tried to fall asleep. I didn't look at the clock, but I know I lay awake for hours remembering the Benjamin Years. I wondered what Jada would say tomorrow when I told her about my phone call.
Yesterday's Lies
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