What's the Plural of Y'all?
(The Second Oldest Profession meets the Bible Belt)
It's the middle of January, 2012, the Republican Presidential hopefuls have descended upon my state, South Carolina, and it is an absolute nuthouse down here. I don't see any way to escape the madness, except one: maybe the Mayans miscalculated.
Maybe, just maybe, the Mayans misread their round rock clock, and the world will end early. I don't see any other way to avoid this ongoing political ego parade.
But Mayans or not, I think we can say this with some certainty: the world probably will end wa-a-ay before this endless election season does.
But for now, it's South Carolina's job to help pick the President. And the contestants? They're all here:
Willard Mitt 'Glove' Romney (he squeaked a win in Iowa by … what? … seven votes? Basically, he won Iowa by a family)
Brick Sanitarium and his sweater-vest collection (who looks like an under-aged son from an Iowan family)
Nude King Grinch (whose ego is the size of an Iowan family)
Tron Paul (he fights for the users)
Rick Prairie (I'm pretty sure he's not an actual human, but an animated cartoon character from 'Toy Story')
Jon Huntsman's son, John Huntsman, who is Jon Huntsman's son
Just making it out of Iowa alive must've been tough. I remember hearing an Iowa politician make this biologically complex promise: "When my head and my heart come together I'll jump in with both feet."
Whoa. Never change metaphors in the middle of streaming the rules for a game horse's level playing field.
While in Iowa, Rick Prairie, in between power-grinning, eating fried lard on a stick, and power-grinning, described Iowans as "just hard-workin' God-fearin' freedom-lovin' people." So please consider making a donation to the Rick Prairie campaign, so they can afford to buy a box of lower-case Gs.
And remember – after Iowa, Herman Cain suspended his Presidential campaign. And he's STILL polling at 8%. At this rate, if he drops out entirely, he'll win.
But after leaving Iowa (their favorite state) and New Hampshire (their favorite state) all six surviving candidates have now invaded South Carolina (their favorite state). And they're everywhere – in the parks, on the news, in the diners and on the phones.
As you'd imagine, it's getting ugly, too. Just today, Nude King Grinch accused Willard Romney of speaking French in public. Tron Paul immediately demanded that we withdraw our troops from Willard Romney. Willard could not be reached for comment, since he was campaigning in the South Carolina Upstate, while his hair was holding a rally on the coast.
To be sure, you other forty-nine States should be a bit concerned that South Carolina is playing such a pivotal role in your destiny. Keep in mind that South Carolina is a place where one food group is pork barbecue, and beef barbecue is the other one. (Barbecue sauce, on the other hand, is not a food group. Barbecue sauce, if it's done right, is a divine appointment from heaven.)
We have our own language, too. We pronounce Manigault as 'mannigoe' and Simons as 'simmons.' We pronounce boyfriend as 'beau' but Beaufort as 'byoofurt.' And we still pronounce carpetbagger as 'collateral damage.'
In South Carolina, we know that one person is "y'all" and we know that the plural of y'all is "all y'all." We make a clear distinction between 'dinner' and 'supper' but we make no distinction at all between 'Can you believe what that clueless idiot just did?' and Aw, bless his heart.'
We have cities with suggestive names like Ninety Six, Six Mile and Due West. We have a town called North and a burg named Norway.
Not long ago, in Norway (population: dwindling), the outgoing Mayor refused to give the City Hall keys to the incoming Mayor. So the incoming Mayor broke in to City Hall by breaking out, and crawling in, a window. Shortly, the outgoing Mayor of Norway had the incoming Mayor of Norway arrested, but the incoming Mayor bribed a jail guard with a pint of pork barbecue. The incoming Mayor escaped and fled to Sweden (yes, there is). From there, he hopped a NASCAR convoy to Finland (yes, there is) and ultimately was sent back to Norway after being extradited by Denmark (yes, there is).
It may surprise you to hear it, but here in South Carolina, we're regularly treated to groundbreaking research and brilliant news analysis, resulting in headlines like this one:
LAKE WATER LEVELS RISE WITH RAINFALL
Whoa. Somebody alert the National Weather Service. Somebody call the Nobel committee.
And how about this one:
"…the bust was dubbed Operation Countywide because it was conducted from one end of the county to the other."
Whoa. You know, sometimes it's hard to see the Forrest for the Gump.
Here's another:
"At a bowling alley in Rock Hill, a man was charged with attempted murder after he threw a bowling ball at a woman who rejected his offer to buy her a drink."
See, folks, Virginia is for lovers. South Carolina is for hunter-gatherers.
And, once upon a time, we had a Governor who confuses marital infidelity with mountain hiking, and who apparently thinks North Carolina is in Brazil.
Finally, we offer a quick pop quiz. Ready?
Outside, it's raining in bright sunshine. Here in South Carolina, this means what?
1) the devil's beating his wife
2) our former Governor is 'hiking' with the devil's wife
3) an angel just got its wings, and then sold them at the flea market
4) you're about to witness relative humidity that actually climbs ABOVE 100%
Starting to get the picture? This is why somebody once described South Carolina as "too small to be a country, too big to be an insane asylum."
And speaking of asylums, here's a quick Politico Update: Brick Sanitarium has taken a commanding lead in South Carolina, after switching from sleeveless sweater-vests to sleeveless plaid work shirts.
Another update: we've just learned that South Carolina's Governor has endorsed Willard. This is our current Governor, mind you, not the one with the backpack full of travel visas, tacos and tequila.
By the way – North, South Carolina? It's south of the South Carolina state capital.
And North, South Carolina is 100 miles southeast of Due West.
