Why Moms Are Too Busy for Self-Care (and What to Do About It)
If you ask any mother of children under … I don’t know, 18? … how their self-care is, they will assure you it doesn’t really exist. And the answer is always the same. They are so busy taking care of others, they can’t make time for themselves. It’s understandable, for this is exactly how crazy life feels for moms who give give give all the time.
And yet …what if busy mothers had pockets of time for self-care they simply weren’t aware of? The problem is largely one of perception. Mothers feel pulled in so many directions, that most cannot see the forest for the trees.
When it comes to self-care, anyone can build it into their life.
Here are five ideas that will help most busy moms find those precious pockets of self-care time that are currently hidden.
Reconnect with what matters most. In the rush to get things done, most busy moms have lost track of their basic values. Yes, work is important—but has it taken over like a many-tentacled octopus? You know it has if you’re cramming in work on the weekends or after the kids go to bed. Of course your kids are important, but are they your sole focus at the expense of your relationship?
True self-care requires balancing what drives your time, so nothing is outsized. And then scooping up the bits of time that remain for you. PS. This is where a babysitter or a flexible work schedule can come in mighty handy. Or perhaps a talk with your boss about somehow dialing back the massive work flow, or getting help. You might even consider a job change.
Remember that good enough really is good enough. A lot of us busy moms have idealized pictures of what being a good mother looks like. Maybe we’re getting up at five am and making toddler-friendly veggie croquettes before we rush out the door to work. Or maybe we keep shaming ourselves because we don’t do a three-mile run every afternoon any more.
Shame is the enemy here, for it will add stress and melt resolve. What if a two-mile walk while pushing a stroller is the most we can summon? Or providing the same toddler fare the other kids get? What if we decided we are already doing the best we can, so we dropped our need to compare ourselves to others and over achieve? There is real relief to be had here.
Find creative pockets of self-care. Chances are some self-care time exists as you move through the transitions in your day. My neighbor Victoria, who has two kids under five, takes running clothes to work in a small backpack. Then she changes at the end of the day, takes rapid transit and hops out halfway home. She runs the rest of the way with her work clothing tightly strapped to her back. The bonus: she gets to run along Oakland’s beautiful Lake Merritt at sunset every evening.
Victoria found a pocket of time for herself where none previously existed. It’s all about looking at how you move from point to point during the day. Can you walk during your lunch hour? Can you meditate every night, perhaps even with your spouse, before you go to sleep? Can you listen to soothing self-care podcasts on your drive to work? Finding time for self-care may simply mean rethinking your routine.
Be willing to ask for help. Somehow a lot of us have gotten the message that we have to do this busy mother slog alone—that we can’t even ask our partners to help us. Recent studies show that women still do a solid four hours of housework and child care, while their male partners do only 2.5 hours. That’s a half hour increase from some years earlier—though, interestingly, men do think they help far more around the house.
So go ahead, state your needs. Ask for help from your man and be specific. If he can’t do it, why not arrange to get some additional help, even from a teenage neighbor who wants to babysit once a week? No one said you had to do this all alone. Not by any means.
Lose the guilt. At The Self-Care Group for Extremely Busy Women that I lead on Facebook, I ask new members to state their biggest self-care challenge. To a person, they all say the same thing: ‘I feel guilty taking time for myself.’ This is the guilt that has been handed down to us through generations. It’s the false belief that because we are women, and mothers, we must be all things to all people all the time.
We believe we can’t take any time for ourselves.
Seriously, who can do this? This isn’t even our job as mothers and women. Instead, our greatest responsibility is to model balance, serenity, and stability to those around us. And that is largely accomplished not by guilty pandering to everyone else, but by having solid self-care practices of our own. You do deserve to return to yourself, and meet your own needs. You really do.
Begin this practice by simply asking yourself ‘What do I need right now?’ and then take it from there. You do know exactly what to do, my dear busy mother.
The only question is … will you?
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