I am pretty sure your God can tell the difference.

I knew this girl a few years ago who was Mormon, but for most of the time I knew her she wasn't a hardcore Mormon. She didn't understand my intense hatred of religion, that was for sure, but to say that she'd lost her faith would be a fair assessment. Then one day, entirely out of the blue, she came to me and told me that she'd decided to change her life. She'd been morbidly depressed for a few years and decided there was something missing her her life, so she decided to rekindle her relationship with God. Moreover, she was giving herself to God and had already applied for a job in Salt Lake City. She was going on a mission, eventually, so she needed to abstain from sex for x amount of time. And also, now she was virgin.

I thought this was silly. Being a virgin in the eyes of God is nonsensical because, I mean, doesn't God know everything you've done? Wouldn't being a virgin in his eyes be, well, pointless? A bit like claiming to be a vegetable in the eyes of the Lord? But hey, Christianity is essentially based on the idea of a slate being wiped clean, so hey, whatever. I can't find fault in someone accepting the symbolism of being a virgin again and certainly, I could never criticize someone for attempting to better themselves, even if they're doing it in a profoundly silly way.

The problem is, it didn't just end with symbolism. As the days went past this declaration, she started to take it, well, a little seriously. I'd point at something phallic and say, "Hey, check it out. This looks like wee-wee." And she'd look at me and say "Matthew, I'm a virgin. I don't think impure thoughts. Impure thoughts lead to premarital sex, and since I'm a virgin, I haven't had impure thoughts, so no, I don't really see how that looks like a penis."

And I would think, what are you, fucking psychotic? Purifying your soul is one thing, but we actually already have a word for denying something you've done in the past: lying. And if lying will get you into whatever heaven you think you're going, sweetheart, then can you at least pretend I don't have to go along with your little self-imposed insanity? Ignoring your past seems self-destructive. You can better yourself and still be ashamed of what you've done. A little shame never hurt anybody.