The Art of Arguing
Online arguing is a terrible thing, miserable to be part of and is unlikely to change anyone’s mind. On the whole I’m no fan off arguments offline, either. I find debate for the sake of it exhausting. I’m blessed with a husband who negotiates, we don’t really argue at all, but that’s not much help when trying to figure out how to engage with people who disagree.
This a story about the one person I enjoy arguing with. He doesn’t argue to win, to score points or to put me down. He’s never in it to force his opinion on to me, and he never seems to think less of me for disagreeing with him. I come into these exchanges from much the same place. What we end up doing is demonstrating our individual evidence and reasoning, and questioning each other’s beliefs, assumptions and interpretations. It can be intense, but it’s underpinned by care and respect, and I have never taken damage wading in to one of these.
One dramatic round of this last summer resulted in both of us changing our minds, and coming to think in ways that were more closely aligned around an issue. Good arguing can change things.
What’s key here I think is that this process of arguing is one of seeking understanding. It comes from a desire to be understood, coupled with a desire to understand. And of course when two people start from very different places, experiences and insights, it’s easy to also start at cross-purposes. The intention to learn turns what might be a fight, into an act of collectively wrestling with ideas. That can be exciting, and takes me places I would not have gone on my own.
In normal arguments, it’s all about winning; to be heard without having to listen. When two people are determined to be heard and not interested in listening, there’s very little good can come of it. The loudest, angriest, most aggressive person will likely force the other person to give up. Truth is not served by this. Nothing useful is learned.
I’ve learned how to argue in a different sort of way. I’ve learned how to be more open and less spiky and defensive. Much more is possible if I don’t feel I have to fight my corner to avoid being crushed. I’ve learned how to co-examine ideas without fearing the consequences. When getting to the right answer is the important thing, who was initially right or wrong doesn’t have to matter at all. No one has to be made smaller if the point is a chance to learn. And if you aren’t going to be knocked down, and it is safe to admit to being wrong and to change tack, all kinds of possibilities open up.
At the same time, anyone who wants to argue for the sake of it, or to score points or play devil’s advocate, I can do without. It’s one thing if there’s an aim to provide real help by exploring different perspectives. It’s quite another to take an opposing stance just for the ‘fun’ of arguing with someone. When a person is dealing with real issues, playing devil’s advocate for the sake of arguing can be immensely cruel. With so many real things I need to figure out, I find I don’t have the time or energy for fights with people who just want to prove they are cleverer than me.
