Read This When You Feel Like Losing Your Cool

Rage happens, friends. It just does. And not only should you not hide from it, ideally you can learn to embrace it.

Mind you, this doesn’t mean calling up the person you are annoyed with and having a ten-minute rant. Nor does it mean giving someone the cold shoulder and refusing to speak to them for days. Instead, there are certain ways to proceed when you are angry that are nothing less than pure self-care.

Here are my best suggestions.

Stop the angry conversation BEFORE it escalates. Just … walk away. Mainly because you must. It’s simple self-preservation. And let the other person know you are walking away before you do. If you’re experiencing abuse, it’s critical you walk away as soon as you can. Even if it means getting out of a car at the next stop light. This will help you with the next step.
Sit with your feelings. Rather than obsess over the object of your ire, why not see what’s really going on with you. Could it be that you are triggered? Is what just happened vaguely reminiscent of something from your past … perhaps even something somewhat traumatic? How angry are you? What do you need? If you look carefully, you may be surprised.
Be open to the idea that there is a lesson here. That would be a lesson for you, not the other guy. I know, I know—it’s an unpopular thought, but bear with me here. Could it be that by simply setting a boundary, you are learning to become stronger? Or by standing in your strength and pushing back, have you gained some mojo? On the other hand, it could actually be that you are also in the wrong. It’s humbling, but such is life. Above all, be honest with yourself. This is critical.
Are you taking this affront personally? You’ll know you are if you’re feeling especially sensitive about what went down. You can’t see it as simply the other person ‘having a bad day’ or being victim to their own triggers. Instead, you feel personally assaulted. And yeah, what you suffered may actually be an assault. Still, it’s good to ask this question to be clear.
Understand that none of us is perfect. We ALL behave in ways that are reprehensible from time to time. We just do. It’s one of the things that makes us human. And we ALL come from traumas big and small. (Okay, maybe there is a tiny population who had idyllic childhoods, but where are they all?) Ask yourself if it’s possible to forgive the other guy. That will make the next step remarkably easier.
Determine if you need to make a request. Now take a few big breaths to calm down, pull out a sheet of paper, and write down a boundary that has been crossed. Do a little journaling to get clear on what happened that caused you so much pain. Then see if there’s a request there that you need to make. It may be as simple as, ‘Don’t ever speak to me that way again.’ Or maybe, ‘I need to go home when the work day ends at 5 o’clock.’
Calmly request a chance to discuss what happened. Do this AFTER the tension has deescalated. That may even take a few days or a week. Just give it some time. Then make an appointment to talk about what happened. Don’t brush it under the rug. This is a critical learning moment for the other, and for you.
Make your request at the meeting if there is one. Keep your request clear, simple, and polite. But firm. You can also use this time to make your own apology if it’s appropriate. Yet, if you managed to keep your cool, you may not have to make one. You’ve been able to keep your head held high, yet you also explored your rage and learned from it. Right on!


This is the kind of emotional self-care that keeps on giving. Good work!

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