Why Your “Type” Isn’t Always Good for You

There is very little reasoned, biblical perspective when it comes to evaluating physical attraction in dating and marriage. Debra Fileta does a wonderful job of pointing out our culture’s weaknesses in this regard and helping us find the “more excellent way” of Scripture. If you’re single, you need this perspective to help you make a wise marital choice. If you’re married, this perspective will help you maintain your loving affection for the spouse you’ve given your life to. Thanks, Debra, for this insightful contribution to our blog.

When I was single, I would often imagine what my future relationship was going to be like. I wondered about the kind of guy I’d end up dating and marrying. I’d try to picture who he would be and how he would look. I wondered if when I eventually had a picture of him, would I be proud to show it to my friends, or would I find myself with someone with an amazing heart whom I struggled to find attractive? I know I’m not alone in that worry because I hear from many people who express the same fears and concerns.

Finding someone
to whom you are physically attracted is an important part of the equation of a
healthy relationship. But it’s not the only part of the equation of attraction.
It’s important for us to understand that attraction is multi-faceted. While
attraction may start as physical, it’s fueled by other aspects of connection:
emotional, mental, and spiritual.

 I am thankful that I am married to a man that
I find attractive. But I was surprised by my growing attraction to him because
he was not my so-called “type.” Physical attraction is a legitimate need in a
relationship, but it must be kept in proper
perspective, because just because
you’re physically attracted to someone, doesn’t mean they’re good for you. Sometimes we’re physically attracted to
people because something unhealthy in us, connects with something unhealthy in
them. That’s why that initial physical attraction has to be kept in proper
perspective. Sometimes it’s skewed by our own internal struggles, and other
times, it’s skewed by what the world has led us to believe is “attractive”.  

HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS

As you are
looking at your relationship, it is important to make sure that physical attraction
is part of the equation, but more importantly, that you are coming to the table
with appropriate expectations. It’s important to remember that expectations of
physical perfection or the fulfillment of selfish fantasy are not realistic.
Real people have real bodies, and our expectations must be real as well. This
is not about finding a supermodel wife or waiting to marry Mr. Universe.

That might sound
like a no-brainer to you, but we live
in a culture in which the concepts of sexual chemistry and physical attraction
have become totally, completely, and irreversibly skewed. The
entertainment industry and the pornography culture have completely ravaged our
understanding of beauty, and namely, the beauty of a real woman. And this
distorted mentality is starting to seep into the church in a truly concerning
way. I know, because I hear from Millenials all the time who are battling
unrealistic expectations of physical attraction. A young man afraid to marry an
incredible woman because her arms were too big. A young woman hesitating to
commit to a godly man because he’s shorter than she had hoped. Before we start
judging, let’s consider the ways we all come to the table with an unrealistic
perspective.

Our concept of beauty and sex appeal has been completely
hijacked over the years to the point where our expectations are unrealistic. We won’t even consider seeing
someone as attractive if they don’t measure up to the standard that Hollywood
has laid out for us, or to the filters that Instagram has convinced us are real
life. But we’ve got to open our eyes to the fact that the standard we’ve been
fed is so far from reality.

Beauty
is fluid. And our desires, as well as the people we will find attractive, are
morphed and changed based on the things we allow ourselves to be exposed to. In
that regard, we actually have some sort of control over the things we define as
attractive and beautiful.

In a culture that
is infiltrated with pornography, airbrushed billboards and magazines, plastic
surgery, and Instagram filters, our standard of “beauty” has moved so far from
the truth that it is causing some major damage to our relational expectations—for
both men and women. The more unrealistic
images we take in, the more skewed our concept of beauty will be. Single or married, you can expose yourself to
so much “fantasy” that real women and real men begin to lose their luster.

WE NEED A RESET

The only way to
get our expectations moving back to reality is to realize that we need a reset.
The reason we say “no” to distorted expectations of attraction is that
skin-deep beauty can only last so long. Fast-forward 50, 30, or even 10 years,
and your body as well as that of your spouse will have changed, sagged, and
likely stretched out beyond recognition. After a few babies, a surgery or two
along the way, and the unrelenting process of aging, I can guarantee you one
thing: Neither of you will look the same. That is why it is so important to
make sure your expectations of physical attraction are kept in check because it is only one part of the equation
of lasting attraction.

In marriage, you will see your spouse at their absolute worst. You’ll see them in their most natural state—before
the hair, before the makeup, before the accessories. You’ll see them through
the lens of real life, which does not hide morning breath, cellulite, or other
imperfections. You will be with your spouse through the days of sickness and
exhaustion. What will ultimately define your marriage—and ultimately, your very
life—is not the “supermodel status” of your husband or wife, but rather, their
character.

Your spouse is the person who will have the greatest influence on your happiness, your confidence, and your security. Your spouse is the person who will walk with you through the highs and lows of life, help raise your children, and influence your family in every single way. According to Proverbs, a wife [or husband] of character is a treasure (Proverbs 31:10). And he who finds that finds a great thing, something worth holding onto no matter what. I know so many marriages that started with “amazing physical chemistry” and fizzled into nothing within a few short years. I also know of so many marriages that started on the foundation of good character and godliness—and continued to grow in intimacy, in respect, and in love.

It is time for us to rise above the noise of this culture and set our
relationship expectations and standards on things that really matter. It is time to reset our standard of beauty by
shutting off the influence of the unrealistic junk and filling our minds and
hearts with the truth.

Beauty
is fleeting (Proverbs 31:30).Charm
is deceptive (Proverbs 31:30).Real
beauty runs deep (1 Peter 3:3).Real
attraction is multifaceted. Inner
beauty cannot be fabricated or replicated.Character
is what actually defines a person. Spiritual
health trumps everything (1 Timothy 4:8).

It is time for us to say “no” to the unrealistic
standards this world is throwing our way. That
starts with taking inventory of what we allow our minds to think about and our
hearts to lust upon. Maybe that means making the commitment to stay away from
porn. Maybe that means turning off Netflix for a while. Maybe it means stepping
away from Facebook or TV or magazines. Maybe that means putting limits on how
much we mindlessly scroll Instagram. Maybe it means guarding our conversations
and how we allow ourselves to talk about the opposite sex.

Ultimately, it means saying no to lies that skew our
perception of physical attraction—in exchange for truth. It’s time to reset our
understanding of the role of physical attraction in our romantic relationships
and remember that attraction has just as much to do with character as it does
with chemistry.

This
article is an excerpt from Debra’s new book, Love In Every
Season: Understanding the Four Stages of Every Healthy Relationship ,
and is used with permission. To find out how each season (spring, summer, fall,
and winter) can make or break your relationship ORDER LOVE IN EVERY SEASON TODAY .

DEBRA
FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship
expert, and author of  Choosing
Marriage  and  True Love Dates , and Love In Every Season . She’s
also the host of the hotline style  Love
+ Relationships Podcast . Her popular relationship advice
blog,  TrueLoveDates.com ,
reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect
with her on  Facebook ,  Instagram , or  Twitter
or book
a session with her today!

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