On Turning 50

I’m in eastern Oregon with my sweet gal. The air is crisp and cold and it smells like pine. The sun is shining. It’s quiet. There’s nothing to do but cook, listen to jazz, read, maybe go for a walk or mess around with a small painting. I saw a heron this morning, one of the best birds to see in the early hours. What a cool fella. Smooth. New Year’s Eve was… quiet. Peaceful. So was my birthday, the day before. How in the hell did that happen? What made me want this kind of thing? Time. Those 50 fuckin’ years, I guess.

People say that time flies, that it all goes so fast. I don’t know who the fuck those people are, but that bumper sticker is thankfully full of shit. We all have good years and bad ones, and I’ve had more good ones than bad ones when I total the score. I have a pretty good idea on how to roll from here, though what I’ve come up with hardly sounds sophisticated. But you aren’t here to read pedantic philosophy, are you, dear reader? No no, you’re reading to savor for a moment how the animals contend with time, to read the translation of howling anima, for the small revelations of beasts. My thimble of temporary wisdom-

At 50, I now understand that all song lyrics are true. Not to me, but to someone, somewhere. Reality is blurry in this way. I’ve lost interest in my title description, and this is blurry, so I imagine it’s all tied together in some way I’m too lazy to divine. I am an artist. A writer. A cook. A musician. But those are just the things I do to make money, to stay alive and pay the bills, etc. After every image comes another one. After every story or book, every song. In the last few years, really the last two, ‘being’ has become the goal rather than finishing the latest lap in an endless and ultimately meaningless race. I am transforming into a mushroom. And I like it. Atelic vs telic.

Entanglement, I realize after 50 years, is a bigger part of life than I previously understood. Social media entangles us is a nonproductive way, I think, mostly because it’s been hijacked by Big Message makers. The democrats, the republicans, junk shit corporate whatever, essentially anyone with an interest in guiding your beliefs has neatly crafted info packages to carpet bomb your mind with. And they do. Constantly. Once rational people have been sorely diminished by the social media experiment. Entanglement happens with individuals, too. ‘Surround yourself with good people’ isn’t just solid advice. I’m convinced it’s one of the keys to well-being. Historically, I’ve always thought I could cope with the difficult people in my orbit. Most of the time I have good will to spare. After 50 years I realize I was mistaken at the very root. I shouldn’t cope with anyone close to me. Neither should you, dear reader. This I know to be true, at long last. You deserve positive, uplifting, luminous people in your life. We all do. Very good things happen when you think this way. Here from Andrew Vachss, a great writer and a thoughtful man- “When our biological families no longer function, the only option is to create a Family of Choice- a family defined by shared purpose and mutual respect, not ties of blood.” Magnificent. It seems like this should apply to work as well. These are trying times, and most of us live in a state of Hand-to-Mouth Combat. To have a rewarding family life, you may have to make your own and there’s no shame in that in the end, but in work too the rewards may come from these very same notions- shared purpose (in the arts, to add to the non material richness of our species, the real wealth being in libraries and galleries, songs and kitchens and not banks or the New York Stock Exchange) and mutual respect (reciprocal good will, the communal fostering of well-being). You can’t avoid entanglement. We are ingredients, and we combine with our surroundings.

I’ve learned all kinds of things in my long years on this lovely planet. A bright chimpanzee would have, given 50 years. Right now, red beans, caramelized shallots, lamb merguez, with stock I made last week and rosemary from the garden is on the stove and it smells pretty good. The stars will be out later, so bright this high up, and there’s apple pie. Good books and fine company. Off to a solid start here in the third quarter. Croissants, they say, were made in the image of the Ottoman Moon. The great blue heron outside might be looking for lost earrings, or golden pine seeds from a mechanical tree. These things seem more important than ever. It is an atelic mindset, and it seems we all need more of it. Telic, from the Greek word for ‘purpose’, is the law of the land these days. Remember, dear reader, that laws of this kind are only suggestions.