The No Chill Adventures of Sabrina, Part 2a

Since my Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Book 2 is coming out, and in the spirit of Christmas, I have written you guys a parody present! Unfortunately it got a little long… so unlike me…

Here is the Part I of my parody of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Part 2. This is a parody, so there are many jokes told at the expense of characters I love! (I have by now completed three books about them, so I love them all. Not recommended: saying ‘I love Nicholas Scratch’ while carol singing at church. Learn from my mistakes.)

Previously on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, our half-witch half-mortal heroine Sabrina had to choose between the witch and mortal world and chose both! Then with the help of the Mother of Demons disguised as her kindly teacher, Sabrina used necromancy to resurrect her boyfriend’s dead brother (with poor results) and after diverse incidents felt forced to signed away her soul to Satan. Her cousin Ambrose got a boyfriend and got mixed up with Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Zelda got HELLA mixed up with Father Blackwood, the head of the Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Hilda got to know a mortal man with a cape and a secret. Her frenemy Prudence, head of the Weird Sisters/cheerleaders for Satan at Witch School, was revealed to be Father Blackwood’s secret daughter. Her new friend at Witch School, Nick Scratch (that is his actual name, actually) got a huge crush on her and tried to express it in traditional witch ways such as inviting her to orgies and offering to be her second boyfriend. Her boyfriend (now ex) Harvey was traumatized forever by having to shoot his undead brother and meeting Nick Scratch. Lilith, Mother of Demons, realized Satan wanted to offer Sabrina a job opportunity (Queen of Hell, comes with benefits) and was vexed. Sabrina’s mortal friends had problems such as Blindness Connected to Powers of Prophecy and gender identity issues…

In summary it was all very chill. Previous parody here. Now Sabrina has to decide what to do after committing herself to darkness…

SABRINA: After selling my soul, and getting fashion advice from my familiar, I’ve decided I need more monochrome in my wardrobe.

SALEM: I don’t talk but I do like to strut my funky stuff on the catwalk.

 

FATHER BLACKWOOD: My plan to subjugate Sabrina with the help of my prize pupil Nick Scratch has 0 flaws!

SABRINA: After 5 mins of witch life I’ve decided to be the top of the whole school.

NICK SCRATCH (dreamy sigh): Wish I was the whole school.

BLACKWOOD: …my plan has 1 flaw.

 

LILITH, MOTHER OF DEMONS: After murdering the former principal I am now principal of this mortal school. I think I have a pretty good grasp of mortal bureaucracy. I also got voted Best Hair in the yearbook.

SABRINA: I’ll be indefinitely playing hooky from mortal school, Ms Wardwell.

LILITH: Cast off your mortal bonds! Mwhahahaha!

SABRINA: Ms Wardwell just be like that sometimes.

 

ZELDA: Speaking of subjugation, Father Blackwood, if you like it you better put a ring on it, and thus grant it power within our evil patriarchal witch society!

FATHER BLACKWOOD: How to balance these two facts… I’m horribly evil, and she’s awfully sexy…

 

MEANWHILE AT MORTAL SCHOOL

THEO PUTNAM: So you previously thought I was a girl, but I’m a guy called Theo.

ROZ & HARVEY: We love you, Theo.

BILLY THE TRANSPHOBE: Putnam shouldn’t be on the boys’ basketball team. HARVEY: HOW ABOUT I KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS?!

AUDIENCE: Harvey yes!

ROZ: Harvey no!

THEO: Let’s not be hasty. I’m willing to hear Harvey out.

 

AMBROSE: I don’t know that you’re qualified to be top of the whole school…

SABRINA: Can’t believe my cousin loves the patriarchy more than me! AMBROSE’S BOYFRIEND LUKE: What have you done for him lately? The patriarchy gave him magic powers.

AMBROSE: Actually I love Sabrina more than the patriarchy. The patriarchy has no cute hairbands.

SABRINA: