remember when…
A friend posted this on Facebook earlier today and I thought it was brilliant—and just what I need as I sit down to make a plan for the new year and the new decade. I visited my last school of 2019 on Monday and as I told a staff member about my hectic schedule she said, “That’s not sustainable.” And it’s not. Not if my goal is to write full-time. I wanted this life—in Toronto I saw a photo of Black creatives living in NYC and one year later I was living that life. I wanted to become a professor so earned my PhD and did that for a while. Then I wanted to be a writer only, so that’s what I’ve become. I no longer apply for writing retreats because I designed my life to function the exact same way. I quit my job so that writing could be my top priority but twenty years in NYC turned me into a hustler; I got used to generating opportunities in order to generate income. The thing is, a couple of years ago I developed another vision for my writer’s life: less hustling, less traveling, and more time at home to write. I’m fortunate that I’ve reached a point in my career where I can live off my advances and royalties, which means I don’t need to present at several schools each month. Yet I still do. I’ve decided to raise my rates for 2020 and when offers come in, I need to learn to say NO. And I have to be smarter about scheduling the gigs I do accept. January is already eaten up with trips and yet yesterday I agreed to take on five more school visits in Philly and Wilmington, DE. Day trips, but still. Travel is so disruptive that I need almost a week to recover from a trip. And that means that when I get home, I need to have nothing else on my plate so that I can slip back into my writing routine. Right now I feel like I might scream if one more person asks me for one more thing. Even reasonable requests make me growl because I’ve pushed myself beyond my limit. *I* did that so I’m really angry with myself, not the person asking me to do x, y, or z. Today was wonderful—I only had one appointment: a virtual visit with a group of boys and their book club leader in NC. That meant I had the rest of the day to put up my Xmas tree, do my 9-minute workout, bake some more cookies, go to the post office twice, and pick up my prescription at the pharmacy. It was one of those days when I just *loved* Lancaster because everything I needed was within reach. Tomorrow I’ll pick up the book I requested at the library but I won’t open it until I finish the FOUR books I’m currently reading. I have a poem that needs my attention. I have two picture books in production and need to follow up with my illustrators. And I have my four novels vying for attention. I have an essay due at the end of next month and I need to transcribe an interview I conducted a few weeks ago. It’s a lot but I can actually get most of it done if I just make a plan and stay put for a while…give myself the silence and solitude I need to dream, focus, and finish.
My friend Edi reminded me that the winter solstice was coming up and suggested taking a moment to reflect on this transitional time in the calendar. Chani Nicholas offers these questions on her website and I’m going to use them to guide my reflecting and writing:
Some things to sit with might be: How do I want to feel about my work, relationships, body, spiritual life/relationship with myself? What old paradigm do I want to outgrow? What life affirming feeling do I want to grow into? What bonds am I ready to free myself from? What guilt, shame and self-doubt can I lay down? What actions can I take to help my self esteem and quell my self-doubt? What self-care practices can I give to myself considering the nature of my work? How can I give that which I want to cultivate? What do I need to become more sensitive to? What might I need to have a thicker skin about? How can I grow myself up so that I am moving away from thinking that the world owes me something and towards getting curious about what I can give to it?
Think I’m going to start with this one: What self-care practices can I give to myself considering the nature of my work?
