Storm within My Mind

     As I sit in church Sunday after Sunday mornings, I often leave discouraged and jealous. Surrounded by a thousand perfectly dressed, smiling, loudly singing, and actively listening to the sermon people causes me to feel unworthy. Unloved. Not good enough for God.
     Over and over I ponder the same confusing thought: If God truly loved me, He surely wouldn’t have let the abuse get so bad, right? If He really loved me, then the horrors of the night my abuser held me in a chokehold with my feet dangling inches off the ground wouldn’t have happened, right? If God truly loved me, I wouldn’t be feeling so alone and isolated.Domestic Violence and Faith     Why couldn’t God be there for me? I was going to church, reading my bible, and enjoying quiet time praying every morning. Yet, I still wasn’t able to hold on to the belief that God was there for and with me.
What changed?
     Years of confusion and crying out to God finally brought me to this painful reality: the emotional abuse I endured for 20 years brainwashed me. The yelling and name ​calling brainwashed me so significantly that I believed my abuser’s lies as truths – truths I didn’t question or understand were lies.
Lies like:I am unlovableI am incompetentI am stupidI am uselessI am unable to function without my abuser telling me what and how to do things      Hundreds of counseling sessions finally brought me to this reality: these negative things I thought about myself were residue of my abuser’s abuse; not reflections of how God loves His children.
In my new series of blog posts, I am going to share how I started the process of being able to identify my abuser’s lies versus God’s truth. I will also share tools I used to assist me.
     What lies from your abuser are holding you hostage from receiving God’s truth and love?
     Please comment on any lies you are feeling held hostage by; chances are I was bond by a similar lie which I can share thoughts about.
Blessings to all,
Sue 

See also "Recovering from domestic violence" and "Abuse Recovery"