Turning a Wonderful Tool for Intimacy into a Weapon of Accusation

I
like giving and receiving gifts.

My
wife Lisa doesn’t.

In
my young stupid pride, I used to double down on gift giving opportunities, find
something really creative to give to Lisa, perhaps a bit too expensive for our
current budget and Lisa would be touched and moved but feel guilty that I was (in her words) “better” at giving gifts
than she was.

Some
things don’t change. Just prior to our 34th wedding anniversary I
found something I thought Lisa would appreciate. When she saw the wrapped box
on our table the morning of our anniversary, I noticed that insecure look on
her face.

“We’re
getting each other gifts this year?” she asked.

“Well,
it’s our anniversary.”

“But
I thought that furniture we bought was supposed to be our gift to each other.”

We
had made such an agreement many years ago, when money was tight. I didn’t
realize it had a future clause—that every time we bought furniture in the
future, we were writing off Valentine’s Day and Anniversary presents for that
calendar year.

For
some years, I resented this a bit. Why couldn’t she try a little harder,
particularly if that was one of my love languages? But it wasn’t just Lisa.
Made in her image, my kids follow suit. Father’s Day isn’t something I usually
look forward to; I try to steel myself in anticipation of an obligatory phone
call.

Here’s
how I’ve resolved this: I don’t want it to be a burden for my wife or kids to
love me. I want it to be a joy. If I resent that they don’t recognize a “love
language” (or whatever description you want to use), I’m souring our
relationship with what will feel to them like a burdensome obligation. And when
they do something for me out of an obligation, I’m not going to feel loved
anyway.

Love
languages are great as tools to demonstrate
love, but they can sour the relationship if they become expectations that demand love.

Ask
yourself, do you want loving you to be a burden or a blessing?

Fast
forward to Christmas. Lisa and I were thrilled that all our children would be
in town. We squeezed in a vacation just days before they arrived, so the
preparation was going to be especially tight with most of the burden falling on
my wife. We also had to finish shopping for our kids.

The
best gift I could give my wife this
past Christmas was to say, “let’s not do gifts for each other this year” so
that’s what we did. Seeing the relief on her face was proof of the burden this
is on her.

I
love The Five Love Languages (which I didn’t write, though I get
thanked for doing so all the time since Gary Chapman and I share the same first
name) because it is one of the most practical books on the market for the
“nuts and bolts” of demonstrating love. Just don’t let the five love languages
become about demanding love. When people do that (and I’ve worked with
several couples who have) a great tool for intimacy becomes a weapon of
accusation. That’s not Chapman’s intent and it’s an abuse of an otherwise
very good book.

This
week, let’s do an attitude check:

Do we want to be remembered as the type of
spouse who was always sitting back and waiting for their husband or wife to fail
them yet again? Do you take more satisfaction in being proved
right that you’re being taken for granted again than you do in finding
creative ways to express love yourself? Do you want it to be a joy for a person to love
you, or do you want marriage to you to feel like a continual contest, with your
spouse always on the verge of falling short?

Since
I’ve already mentioned one book I like, let me mention another: Linda Dillow’s What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? Linda
wrote the book for women, but the question embedded in the title is worth the
price of the book itself. It’s a healthy exercise: take a step back over the
coming week and ask yourself, “What is
it like to be married to me? Is it a joy, or is it a burden?”

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