When a Friend Lectures You
Maybe it’s a fault in my character, that in these contentious times I often stay silent when I should shout. Why am I falling back into my own thoughts when I could step up to the plate? Maybe it’s because when a friend lectures me–about anything at all from how to prepare fish to a conclusion that her health outweighs mine and I must be doing something wrong…I don’t argue. I stay silent. Am I a chicken for handling it that way? Maybe.
During a recent book group meeting discussing the novel AN AMERICAN MARRIAGE by Tayari Jones, and focussing on the wrongful imprisonment of a male character, one woman boldly said, “Why do black people complain all the time anyway?” Silence around the table. No one took her on. I was hostess and might have joked: “Do you have three or four hours?” I should have taken her on.
WHEN TO SPEAK OUT
Growing up, I was fortunate to live within a family circle of SMART WOMEN. My world was truly matriarchal with a grandmother, mother and two maiden aunts all well educated and well read who could take on a topic and dissect it–easily. Yes, there was some talk of cooking, but mostly music, books, travel and occasionally politics. AND US. The three children in the room. My older brother learned early on to jump in, us his growing knowledge to rise up in the group, share his point of view. It took me quite a bit longer.
When I did learn to not fear the so-called stage, my speaking out, my sharing of ideas within a kind and loving circle, prepared me for my later role as a teacher, nurse and parent. That’s not to say that in all those roles I might have made mistakes, even hurt someone. But that has never been my goal.
MY TALK WITH F.S.
F.S. was my student. He was 17 when he stood at my desk protesting a story I made him read in an English summer school class. It contained moral platitudes and condemned sex outside of marriage. I was a brand new teacher, following the curriculum. F.S. was bright and articulate. He liked me and he realized that in return for my efforts, he could teach me, the true facts of life, teach a very naive and young teacher with a totally different background from his. He basically lectured me.
“I have sex whenever I can,” he told me. “Sex is good. There’s nine people in my family. My parents and seven kids. No space. We sleep in the same room, all of us. So my whole life I am hearing my parents have sex. Nice sex. This story you are teaching me? Says nothing to me. Nothing.”
F.S. was kind, and I will always be grateful to him for his approach. Maybe it was a lecture, but it was one I needed to hear. I was so innocent those first years. What I took from that experience is that I needed to be open, to sometimes just LISTEN to what the other person was saying. To not JUMP on his or her words.
My rule: don’t be pushy and loud.
Listen and wait for the opportunity to make a valid point.
Problem: wait too long and the opportunity might be lost.
Problem: stay on the sidelines and you’ll never get in the game.
WHEN A BOMB EXPLODES IN THE CONVERSATION
What do you do with this one? It wasn’t a lecture. It was a flat statement made by Karen W. with no emotion, not communicating concern or snark or humor. After I had shared some event in my life she responded: I’m just glad it’s you and not me….
All I remember feeling blind-sighted and wondering how to respond. Maybe I had made an awkward plea for advice, for help. Maybe I had announced an illness or a move–obviously some change in my life and I got that response. I think I said nothing. But is there a pattern here? Do I need to jump into the fray more often?
FINAL THOUGHT
Please know that in this same book club when reading BEFORE WE WERE YOURS, I did respond to one careless remark. I said that as a country we needed to be taking care of all children, especially the children at the border. That issue still fires me up AND breaks my heart. And that night someone tried to silence me. TIME TO LEAVE THE BOOK CLUB? Or stay and become the one who attempts to teach, to explain.
Surely many of you reading this have found yourself in a similar situation. All I know is my goals have grown over the years. And now my hope is that what I share, what I do say in tense circumstances can help a child or an adult, can lift up the heart of someone else so that more and more we listen instead of lecture. More and more we are not afraid to help one another.
Artwork: Liesl Schillinger Rules of a Book Cub that Stays Together Oprah.com
