The (No So) Fine Art of Growing Old (Not So) Gracefully

Hmmm, is there a secret
formula to growing old gracefully?

Everyone and his brother
has advice to offer about how to grow old gracefully. If anyone perfects the
formula, he’ll undoubtedly get stinking rich. But so far, no one seems to have
a good answer for how to counteract inevitable decline of the human body as the
years go by.

Lately, I find myself
caught up in a multi-party argument with parts of my aging body.

Bladder:           Full up down here. Need a washroom
run.

Michael:          What!? I was just there an hour ago.

Bladder:           Yup, and we need to go again.

Michael:          That’s ridiculous. I can’t be running
to the bathroom a dozen times a day.

Back:               Get
ready… there it is!

Michael:          Ow! What the hell? All I did was stand
up!

Back:               Don’t blame me. It’s that crybaby
nerve. He’s unhappy again.

Nerve:                         Don’t blame me. It’s
that bulging disc. He keeps getting into my space.

Disc:                Suck it up, baby. Things ain’t
getting any better down here.

Michael:          Hey, one at a time, please.

Bladder:           Washroom run. Now, please.

Back:               No, we need to stretch first.

Bladder:           Get your priorities straight. Stretch
later.

Michael:          Excuse me, I’m in control here.

Back:               Too much sitting. We need to walk.
Wait for it…

Michael:          Ow! Damn it, you were fine a few
minutes ago!

Nerve:                         Not really, I’ve been on
the edge for an hour. Bulging disc is to blame.

Disc:                It was swatting that fruit fly
that did it. No sudden movements!

Michael:          Give me a break. I can’t even swat a
fruit fly?

Bladder:           About to burst down here. Make a
beeline for the bathroom.

Nerve:                         No!! No running. The
spinal compression will make all hell break loose.

Bladder:           All hell is going to break loose down
here if you don’t listen to me.

Brain:               Running out of gas. Let’s call it
a day and go home.

Michael:          No! There’s still two hours to go
before quitting time.

Brain:               It’s all this arguing. I can’t
take it. It drains me.

Bladder:           Situation critical. We can’t hold her
much longer. Bathroom now!

Michael:          We all have to work together here. One,
two three…

Back:               Giving you all I’ve got, which
ain’t much.

Nerve:             I don’t like this. Can’t make any
guarantees.

Disc:                All bets are off. I’m bulging
again.

Brain:               Too many variables. I can’t cope.

Bladder:           Commencing countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7…

It has taken me six
decades to realize that life is a toboggan ride down a steep slope. For the
first third of the way, you wish it would never end. For the second third, you
start worrying about whether you can stop before you hit the fence.

For the final stretch,
you realize the fence is not your biggest issue. Hauling your butt back up the
hill dragging the damn toboggan is what you might finally do you in.

~  Now Available Online
from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: Hunting Muskie, Rites of
Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is also
the author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel which
was a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s
website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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