Stepping sideways

There have been many periods of my life where there has been much despair. Though there are days, and nights, where I have felt utterly exhausted, I am very relieved to say that for most of my year, I have been well. This has very much come as a relief to me.

I have kept a record of my life for the past 3 years in various handwritten journals and a very long, singular digital note. Its painful to read through periods of struggle that have been noted, and also extrapolate from the gaps in the records that come from being completely exhausted- I think I veer towards being wary of people, and the unexpected and unknown of knowing and being known to others. I like to think I’m much more relaxed nowadays, credit due to good experiences in therapy that have taken me through periods where I did not know who else I could turn to, and also some great people that I have met through various events that I have attended.

I think much of my growth, if I could call it that- comes from being nurtured by my friendships with others who make me feel good, who make me feel treasured. Because there have been, and always will be, others who, for whatever reasons, feel the need to be hurtful. Here’s the cynic talking again- and I think being able to talk and share with people who have taken an interest in what I do has really helped quiet down the cynic in me.

I’m kind of in an odd little period in life right now, where I’m spending most of my waking hours at night. I can perceive myself as being more at ease, less overwhelmed by my own expectations of my expectations for myself in writing and all that. I’m not quite sure how I’m doing except to say that I’m okay. I’m very okay. And that’s a relief.

The interesting thing is that I will continue to be shaped by my experiences, for better or worse. To acknowledge this is both frightening and worthwhile.