Zombieland Double Tap

I just watched the trailer for Zombieland Double Tap and Hoe. Lee. Shit am I excited. Like all Americans in a time of national crisis compounded by the looming eco disaster, the collapse of the world economy and bla bla bla, I view all zombie shit as educational. And yet, esthetic remains important. Consider the example of lunch, the middle meal. It is, in function, designed to provide you with the energy to be a productive member of your own life. But if you eat something like pan fried slices of pork tenderloin and asparagus with garlic and Szechwan peppercorn from the garden, a little olive oil with rosemary and leftover flatbread you grilled over mesquite coals last night, a slice of warm comte on the side (I just ate all this) then lunch is different. Better. I dare say wiser.

The ingredients of a good zombie flick are much the same. Train To Busan is a fine example. I love that film. I never did bother to learn the name of the protagonist, referred to henceforth as G Money, but critical to the film’s success in my mind was my desire to see G Money die. Spectacularly. Something about him touched the sleeping rabid anarchist in me. Zombieland has such a character. I always want to see this kid perish in movie after movie. I’m talking about the finger sniffing mama’s boy Jesse Eisenberg.

I don’t know where I first saw him, but I do remember my initial reaction. He made me uncomfortable. I was instantly peevish and oddly vicious. I thought that if I had a daughter or a sister I wouldn’t want this hipster shithead to touch her. Then it grew, this dark feeling. I’d read him wrong, I worried, and thought he’s clearly be more interested in the old lady who lives next door to me. After he shaved his pubes and painted his butthole with lipstick he’d try to seduce her, intrigued as he was by her dentures, her sightless left eye. By the time I saw Zombieland I wanted to beat the fuck out of that kid on sight. I don’t know why. I wanted him to die in the movie though, and that made it great for me, much like a good lunch can cast a golden glow on the rest of the day.

Jesse Eisenberg (unsavory dweeb, an anomalous snake boy/man who invites a solid ass kicking with every word), Woody Harrelson (great), Zoey Deutch (wonderful), Abigail Breslin (rad), BILL MURRAY (a king among men), Rosario Dawson (talented, yummy), Dan Aykroyd (rad as well) and so many more. Zombieland Double Tap has great potential because of this ingredient list. I doubt they’ll kill off the weird cave elf in a suitably gruesome fashion, but a dude can dream. And the cosmos is my friend. It rewards my wild ambitions from time to time. Perhaps I’ll meet that creepy cancre Eisenberg in Mexico while I’m on vacation. And I just lost my wallet in a bar so I need some fast cash. Go cosmos! Go!