A Recovering Codependent’s Rules of the Road
I woke up this morning with the most beautiful insight. I realized I genuinely love people. Like … everyone.
This sense has been a lifetime in coming. Mainly because I spent a lot of my life mad at people. And who can blame me? For most of my life, I have been Susie Codependent – controlling, cajoling, managing, manipulating and generally forcing reality and its players as much as I could.
So when life didn’t give me what I wanted, I was just plain mad. And I pushed. I was known in some circles as ‘The Bulldozer’. But then, eventually, I stopped. Mainly because it just didn’t jibe anymore with who I had become.
This is the gift of severe loss. Losing my daughter and my former life shocked me into a state of hyper awareness about all that no longer worked in my life … and into reexamining all of my values. Perhaps it was this plus the perspective that comes with one’s middle years, but I realized I no longer needed to rush and strive.
It also taught me the following lessons. One could call these a recovering codependent’s rules of the road:
1. I don’t need to make anyone happy but myself. It’s actually my primary responsibility, and oh is this easy to forget at certain times of your life. Like, especially when you are pressed to the wall with children, a career, a marriage, etc … EVEN THEN you can still look up and ask ‘What do I need right now?’ And you still do deserve to get it. Yes … you really do.
2. I really can – and do – say ‘No’ whenever I need to now. Shockingly, the sky doesn’t fall. It’s great! You may even find yourself pushed, cajoled, manipulated and even outright begged by those who can’t accept a ‘No’. But do not weaken, friend. This, too, is critical self-care. There are times when others’ needs simply aren’t a fit. Whoever they are, rest assured they will get over it.
3. No one has to march to my tune but me. Boy have I had a lot of good ideas for everyone else — and often, surprisingly, everyone else didn’t want to hear it. Why? They have a right to live their life EXACTLY the way they want. As do I And if that means I need to go my own way, so be it.
4. Things usually work out just fine. We heard this in that lovely movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. (“Everything will be alright in the end, so if it is not alright it is not the end.”) Once you’ve been thru the worst thing that can happen and you emerge better for it … well then, you learn to go with what comes. Often the next thing is surprisingly great!
5. We worry too much. And worry just gets us a whole lot of agita, right? Here’s the thing with worry — it’s all illusion. Only what is happening right now is real. This blog post is real. The chair you are sitting in is real. Your phone or computer screen is real. What may happen tomorrow is not real. Not yet, at least. So by trying to control the outcome with worried thoughts you only tie yourself in a knot. An easy habit, but ultimately not a helpful one.
6. We can’t force reality. What a shocker! So thought I could. Kind of hilarious when you think about it. And yet, if you take another look at point #4, you’ll remember that the mystery is part of the process. Allowing is far more powerful than pushing. In fact, allowing can produce results that are far greater than anything you could have imagined. Just ‘turn it over’ as the saying goes when you release something or someone into the world. Send them/it off with love, not needing to know what will happen next. Then allow yourself to be surprised by what does occur.
In the end, all we’ve got is love, my friend.
Turns out accumulating stuff is highly overrated and somewhat lonely. But love really does heal all wounds.
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