In search of the perfect filing cabinet

I'm sorry, but these just don't do it for me.  Yes, I actually typed in "World's perfect filing cabinet" into my browser's Google search bar.

Here's the results, or the most click-y article that promised to help me sort my office move dilemma and justify my break (after approximately 4.5 minutes) from dealing with the piles of paper, drafts of stories, and collected writings accumulated over time. 

I need a combination of:

Ikea's organization, Marie Kondo's tidiness, House & Home's elegance,...