An introvert's guide to attending social mixers.

If you're the life of the party who flits around filling wineglasses and karaoke request sheets, your presence is not required here. Go makesome napkin animals, deviled eggs, mini-cupcakes, or something. Seriously, goaway. Shoo!
Ah, serenity.
All my fellow introverts remain. Now we can discussstrategies to seem extroverted without turning into that annoying you-know-who(who had better not still be reading this).
You're going to be invited to parties, friend. You can'tkeep tossing random excuse after random excuse at the party hosts or you'll beleft holding your pet. Let's scratch these excuses from our repertoire:"Oh, gee, sorry. I have that thing I have to do.""Unfortunately, I'm going to be out of town.""I feel like I have a cold coming on.""I have to work.""I have another event I must attend."
The host will accept your excuse but she'll also know you'reducking her.
The next invitation you receive must be returned with the "Iwill attend" box checked. Ideally, you'll also have a plus one or more. If thehost greedily placed a line after the box reading something like, "I will bebringing [insert food and drink thingies]," I have some suggestions:Mini-carrots and mayonnaise packetsDoritosVanilla sodaBlue Jell-O cubesA bib
Now, always arrive to the party early. This is crucialbecause you need to scout the area and claim a space. I typically bring ajacket and drape it over a chair in the far corner facing the front door. Weintroverts like crowds as long as we have our people-free zone. Outdoor partiesallow for the digging of a moat. Indoor, not so much. Block yourself in withchairs, stool, and ottomans.
Since the extroverts will be dodging around the placepressing palms and patting shoulders, you'd be wise to stay put and let themcome to you. When these grown infants corner you and suggest the following, smileand say "Fuck off" with your inside-your-head voice."Are you having a good time?""Have you met my Uncle Otis? He's a hoot.""Are you feeling OK?""So, are you doing anything special for theholidays?""Are you still single? You should meet my cousinAgnes.""Why aren't you dancing?""You're totally stoned, aren't you?"
A good way to keep yourself amused while repelling thesehuman mosquitoes is to latch on to another introvert and play a little game Ilike to call, "Holy shit, who dresses you?" You take turns pointing out themost awful sweaters, jeans, shoes, and Botox blunders.
A poor strategy employed by some of my fellow introsinvolves being hunched on the sofa playing iPhone word games. It's not somuch that it's rude. We each could use a chubbier vocabulary. (In fact, go lookup "codswallop." It's a good one to deploy when Betty accuses you of beingunsociable.) The problem is it will cause premature curvature of the spine.
When the last guests arrive, it's a good time to leave. Ifyou don't leave at the busiest time, you may be stuck saying goodbye to thehosts, who will once again badger you with accusatory questions. Exits are easy. Graba beer from the cooler in the garage and keep walking. Make it a road soda.Pretend you have a call and no reception inside the house, then sneak away. Gohave a smoke. You don't smoke? Well, maybe it's a good time to start.
Be prepared for the "What happened to you?" emails andtext-messages the following day. Best to delete them and, if you're asked, say you'llcheck your junk mail folder and get back to them.