April Foolishness: New Toys

Private Felstein has been briefed on his new mission, and his head is still spinning when Agent Bragg introduces him to The Professor.

“Lovely to meet you, Private. Your shoe size is what, 11?”

“How did you…?”

“You’re about 6’2”, aren’t you?”

“I…”

“In this business, it pays to be able to size people up on sight,” The Professor says, with a wink. “Here you are.”

He hands Felstein a pair of ordinary looking black wingtips, the type that wouldn’t seem out of place in any board room.

“And I suppose you’ve got a cell phone hidden inside?” Felstein jokes.

“Not exactly. These have a built in knife blade, spring loaded. Just stomp down hard on your right heel et voila!”

“Boys and their toys,” Agent Bragg sighs, rolling her eyes.

“Don’t worry, Bragg, we’ve got a few for you, too,” The Professor says, flashing her a grin. “What about this one? Laser thermometer that doubles as a stun gun.”

“Why not just give me a lipstick taser and be done with it?” she growls.

“Oh no, too obvious. They’ll be on the lookout for that kind of tech.”

“Let’s cut to the chase, shall we?”

“You mean the getaway car? Excellent idea, Agent Bragg!” The Professor says, leading the way towards the pièce de résistance.

“No more of those unsightly Aston Martins, then?” Felstein quips, as The Professor pulls back the sheet to unveil what looks surprisingly like a Honda Accord.

“The average American drives a sedan just like this, agents. You, however, will be driving an amped-up version of the vehicle. Don’t be fooled by the frumpy exterior. As always, it’s what’s inside that counts.”

“There’d better be a turbocharged V6 in this thing, or I walk.”

“It’s actually a three-liter twin-turbo flat-six.”

“So I’m driving a Porsche 911, disguised as a stay-at-home mom’s carpool choice?”

“Precisely.”

Finally, Agent Bragg’s lips curl into a smile. “Good work, Professor.”

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